Triggering (Abuse) - dissociative distress thread - Page 202

Stellata · 01-08-2010, 08:20 PM

Kat, I'd remembered it already, from reading stuff yesterday I wrote a long time ago. It just... stirred it up.
It was another tutor who called me a 'solipsist'. He was a nicer tutor, but that didn't help either.
Plus after what this person online has been trying to assault me with for over a year. It was just like the last straw that sent me switching over into Katrina state.

Kitkat :) · 01-08-2010, 08:22 PM

Ohh right, I see.
It doesn't matter how long ago something happened, if it sticks in our minds then it'll be hard to get rid of.

Stellata · 01-08-2010, 08:26 PM

Thanks.
Trouble is, she's kind of right. Just, she had a crap way of saying it.

Kitkat :) · 01-08-2010, 08:37 PM

I hate it when people tell you things in a really bad way, especially if you feel that in some respects they've hit the nail on the head.
I'm sorry to hear she said it in a bad way though.

Stellata · 01-08-2010, 08:38 PM

Yeah. It was just like what all the bullies were screaming at me.

Kitkat :) · 01-08-2010, 08:41 PM

I'm sorry to hear that, the words must've hit home hard then.

Stellata · 01-08-2010, 08:44 PM

They did. I wrote I HATE MYSELF right across the top of my diary entry that day. I need to dig it out to read properly again. [It's in a box under a bookcase!]
It was like everyone saw [sees] me as a freak.
Katrina, in my early awareness of her several years ago, included "Freak Girl".

Kitkat :) · 01-08-2010, 08:49 PM

I'm sorry to hear that ):
I daren't read my diary, it stirs up old memories and feelings that I'd rather leave buried.
I think in my diary I wrote that no one would care if I died...
Most people saw/see me as a freak, I used to get called it all the time as well.

Stellata · 01-08-2010, 08:52 PM

It's a hard thing, I know.
I wanted to die then, too.

And another thing she said was "Everything seems a real effort for you. *sigh*".
I wasn't aware of depression then, but surely that screams 'depression, needs help'?

Hmm. I'm just bitter I guess.

Kitkat :) · 01-08-2010, 08:58 PM

It does, and it baffles me when something is so obvious but no one picks up on it.
Most of my friends and teacher have seen my cuts when I've been self harming, but have never thought to ask me if I'm okay, they just continue assuming that I am because I can easily feign happiness.
I'm a bit bitter, for my age.

PaleMoon · 01-08-2010, 08:58 PM

Hey everyone, just saying hello.

The wedding was exhausting physically and emotionally, but we got through it. A lot of the others chose to stay deep inside and be quiet during it. My brother is no longer sleeping in my bed, and we're washing the sheets.

I am going to speak with my therapist about possibly beginning trauma work next session. We feel stable, more connected and ready to tackle it.

Stellata · 01-08-2010, 09:00 PM

Thanks for understanding, Kat.

Well done for getting through, Jen &Co.

Kitkat :) · 01-08-2010, 09:03 PM

That's okay (: I can relate to quite a lot of what you're saying, thanks for talking to me (: I feel that I can understand what I'm feeling a bit better than before.

Well done, Jen and all of you, for getting through it, it can't have been easy for you.

ghosts in the machine · 01-08-2010, 10:57 PM

I feel really unsafe. Shifting between young terror, fury, and 'being good'. My head's all over the place. We all are.

Kitkat :) · 01-08-2010, 11:03 PM

I don't feel safe either... But come to think of it, I'm finding it hard to find places of security.
I'm on the brink of emotionally breaking down, I can feel all these emotions coming at once but I don't know how to deal with them... I could really use help from the one who numbs everything right now but it's away keeping Onyx contained. Which keeps me safe, but right now I'm at risk from myself.
I SHOULD BE DEAD.

shadow-light · 02-08-2010, 02:07 AM

really scared right now... am I going to manage living alone? Am I going to be ok? Will I end up relapsing into bad things? Will I end up ill again? Wll I even survive?

So so so scared

and it all just seems so unfair, I'm only 23 but facing homelessness for the 4th time

Kitkat :) · 02-08-2010, 02:10 AM

I'm sure you'll be okay, I wish I could say more but I've never had to move so I don't know what you're going through... But you can always just vent to me if you want somebody to talk to.

It is unfair that you should have to face homelessness for the 4th time, but unfortunately life is unfair, and it seems always to the people who do nothing wrong.

shadow-light · 02-08-2010, 02:12 AM

you've never moved? that's kind of impressive. This is my 9th home since I was 15, and I know we moved a few times before that but csn't remember so not sure how many times.

It's seems particularly unfair that Jack is getting to move in with his dad whereas I have nowhere to go

Kitkat :) · 02-08-2010, 02:14 AM

I dunno, we've never had to move. We've lived in my house since 1963 O.O

Yeah that does seem unfair, I'm sorry that you have to sort out your own accommodation.

PaleMoon · 02-08-2010, 05:07 PM

^ I know the feeling, Labyrinth. That's actually a good idea to use music to help.

Shadow, I am so sorry about your housing situation. I've moved a lot too, and it can be scary, but you can also learn to love your new home. Please take care of all of you :).

---

Today has gotten off to a rough start. One of the new alters, Anthony, forced himself out and self-harmed. Don't worry, I came back and took care of the wounds. But he seems to want to do it more and deeper. I don't know what tot do with him :/.