Triggering (Abuse) - dissociative distress thread - Page 201

Kitkat :) · 01-08-2010, 02:32 PM

Oh. Um. I've experienced death from a young age, from family members dying and family friends dying. I never cried at their funerals or at their deaths, which I found strange. Most of my memories of playing are either by myself or with a friend, but I'm not sure how old I was because I can't place an age with a memory. I remember it, but I don't know how old I was.
I'm not really sure what constitutes as disrupting my sense of security.

Stellata · 01-08-2010, 02:38 PM

Have you ever felt secure?
What was your birth etc like - ever spoken to your mum about that?

Kitkat :) · 01-08-2010, 02:41 PM

Oh I looked up emotional and psychological traumas.
I was in intensive care when I was 10 months old for 5 weeks, and I had skin grafts because I had an accident.
Hmm.

Kitkat :) · 01-08-2010, 02:42 PM

Well my Mum's waters broke on the 22nd and I wasn't born until the 24th, so nothing happened for a whole day. Not sure if that's relevant but I found it kinda weird.

Stellata · 01-08-2010, 02:42 PM

That could explain a lot.
Hmm indeed.

[..and, as you probably know, I had a difficult premature forceps birth, my mum had PND, I was in SCBU for 2 months away from my mum. Not to make this about me, but to show how such things can and do have an impact in later life. Also, my mum's waters broke a day or so before I was born, and there had been bleeding before then. This was at 7 months, when I was born. She was rushed to hospital after the bleeding, and they tried to delay the birth, but it didn't work like that. I don't think I felt safe in there.]

Kitkat :) · 01-08-2010, 02:47 PM

Yeah... And I think early on in the pregnancy my Mum lost my twin :/ she suspected she was carrying twins because she lost a substantial amount of blood for it not to be just a little speck, if you see what I mean.

Kitkat :) · 01-08-2010, 02:49 PM

Oh no, I know you're not trying to make it about you, it's just good for me to try and understand these things, because I'd never thought of my accident and all the hospital visits that later followed as traumatic because they never seemed to bother me at the time... But now I'm suspecting that they bothered somewhere in my mind that I'm not aware of.

I had an operation when I was 13 as well, because my burns (which were a result of my accident) were pulling on the skin around them as they were growing slower.

shadow-light · 01-08-2010, 02:50 PM

It's amazing how much an efffect things that happen before memorys start to form things can have on a person. I remember reading a report last year about men who have flashbacks and nightmares about when they were circumcised

Stellata · 01-08-2010, 02:52 PM

The body-mind registers more than we think it does.

I know for me, the 2 burglaries that happened several months apart at my parents'&my house when I was 16 traumatised me, stirring up layers of deep insecurity and sense of being persecuted.

Trauma is a layer upon layer experience.
Stanislav Grof called in a 'Co-Ex'. Like a trauma chain kind of thing.

Gotta go babysit for my flatmates' son soon. I'll be back later. :)

Kitkat :) · 01-08-2010, 02:59 PM

It is Hazel, and I think you're right...

Speak to you later Katie *waves* thanks for talking to me, it's helped me make a little bit more sense of things.

---

I'm having really weird dreams. I've had the same dream, which is roughly similar. I'm in this house, which I recognise because I used to go there a lot. My Mum's friend lived there with her husband and her two children, she's now dead (I went to see her in hospital) and her husband now has lung cancer.

Anyhoo, I'm in the house, upstairs, and the interior design is roughly the same, but the layout has changed. Instead of two rooms next to each other, there are 3, and I can't seem to figure out which one shouldn't be there and it really distresses me. And for some strange reason my friend Aimee is there, in front of these 3 rooms, taunting me because I can't figure it out. She's not saying anything, but the caniving smile on her face says it all.

I don't understand this.

katnovia · 01-08-2010, 03:44 PM

thanks guys who responded a few pages back.. I dont know how I feel about this whole thing. there is a part of me that honestly believes i'm faking, but as you said, who would, and why? I guess that's what I want to explore. Because obviously, if i'm faking..then there's something wrong..right?
I guess..part of me doesn't have a grasp on reality because so many lies have been told, by me, by my parents, by loved ones that infact I've lost a grasp on what reality and the truth is...

katnovia · 01-08-2010, 04:56 PM

*nods* I think I get you kyle. It is Kyle isn't it? I know I've told lies, but i've slowly come to the conclusion that it was what we call 'shadow' because it was uncontrollable, unstoppable, I'd be thinking in the back of my mind 'why am I doing this? why am I lying? am I lying? what's going on?' and yet continue to tell the lie..not feeling anything.. then as time went by i'd admit that i'd lied..and it felt alright, it felt the way it 'should'.

shadow-light · 01-08-2010, 05:05 PM

Just had an annoying thing happen... I went to the shops and then the next thing I knew I was outside my flat

the shopping was done but I had no idea what was bought... we now have a very confusing array of items lol

katnovia · 01-08-2010, 05:08 PM

Oh dear, I had one of those.. I left the house to go on the train yesterday, and woke up at home in bed 3 hours later.

shadow-light · 01-08-2010, 05:38 PM

I used to have it happen alot.. but this is the first time it's happened for a while now

Stellata · 01-08-2010, 05:40 PM

You're under a lot of stress, Hazel, so it makes a lot of sense.

Do you know who in you did the shop?

shadow-light · 01-08-2010, 05:41 PM

think it was Rachel, but not really sure.

Kitkat :) · 01-08-2010, 07:56 PM

It's understandable that that would happen Hazel, you are under a lot of stress at the moment

*offers a hug*

We can get the discussion on physics and stuff started up again if you want, it hasn't left my mind all day (:

Stellata · 01-08-2010, 08:15 PM

I feel kind of blah.
Going over and over in my mind what my ex uni tutor said about me. That I had defects in my personality. But it was 20 years ago, damn it.
But it aches all over again.
And Katrina was around so much then.
Struggling alone on a teaching practice in February in one of the most bleak areas of Peterborough, living there during the week with a minster and his wife - who was also a teacher at the school, and struggling.
I know I always have had difficulties. But sticking me on my own in the middle of nowhere at the same time as I'm struggling coping in my student house.. is like asking for 'trouble'.
Strikes me so much how Katrina was there. And Trini. Not me. I was way out of my depth.

Kitkat :) · 01-08-2010, 08:18 PM

): I'm sorry about that Katie, I'm sorry our discussion caused you to remember that ):