the whole trauma thing is the reason I keep doubting my diagnosis... I have no memory (well almost no memory) before the age of 15 so I don't know if anything happened... I get "flashes" from before then, but they make no sense, and the bits I do remember although bad don't seem bed enough to cause this.
I went through a fair few diagnosis's before dissocition was even mentioned, but even after that it was just sort of pushed to one side as none of the psychs seemed to know what to do about it and all thought that if they delt with the other issues it would just disapear on its own.
When I first saw a dissociaition specialist last year he said it was unusual for me to know as much of my system as I did (I only knew of Sarah and Jess then, and Jack (my partner) knew of Michelle) and even then I had to see him and my regular psych for a fair amount of time before they gave the DID diagnosis, apparently they had to witness switching which obviously isn't exactly something that can be forced or even predicted.
Once they had witnessed it then they started trying to actively cause it, they said that the faster we learnt of each other the faster we could work together. This really did not go well though and in the end I asked to be referred.
But now it seems that as that diagnosis is on my file noone wants to treat me... It was hard enough to get and then keep a psych before when DDNOS was on my file, now it seems to be actually impossible.
But ye on the trauma thing, I never feel that my trauma was bad enough even been told by psychs that it wasn't, in face one psych told me that it was all my fault and so I was never abused at all. I know to a degree every mind is different ansd so some will fragmate other less than others, but still my stuff doesn't seem anywhere near bad enough... WHich is why when DDNOS was first suggested to me I didn't tell anyone, only started to speak about it when it looked like it was going to change to DID but then was so scared of being seen as a fake that I lied to everyone to make it sound as if the dissociaition had only just been noticed basically I'm confused and think I've messed things up right now
Part of me wonders is people on this thread are sort of almost triggering each other, maybe even to the post of sub-coniously sort of creating new names, etc. out of some feeling of not being bad enough or trying to keep up with the number of others names... Or something, I'm really not explaining this well...
Hazel - that was another thought I had. I put my alter's names in my signature, but that number has been stable for years. I get what you're saying though, and I confess I wondered that as well.
I can't imagine life without my others/parts/alters/whatever you want to call them. But at the same time I do sometimes wish that they were not there, I know they are there for a reason, that without them it's possible I would not be here, but at the same time it causes a lot of hurt, both physically and mentally, and a lot of confusion and isolation... I also wish I had a complete memory and not intursive "flashes" and random pains that have no source.
I guess even though I get suspisious and paranoid on this forum I wonder why anyone would ever want this and so I give everyone on this forum the benefit of the doubt... I've been told that in the past people have faked things on this forum for attention or even as an excuse for breaking the rules, but the idea of faking any illness, esspecially a mental one, just seems so foreign and inexplicable to me...
Speaking of romanticised Katie,
We think the reason people do "adopt" DID is because it gives them something to hide behind. Blaming their "alters" for their negative thinking/self harm/destructive behaviours... therefore not having to take responsibility.
But as Facet said before, alters are still a part of the whole, if one of my parts self-harms, or does something destructive, it is still my responsibility, whether i like it or not.
It is foreign and inexplicable to us too shadow, but people do it.
It makes us (and others) angry because it effects everyone who is legit in their DID; when it comes to treatment, professional validity, or just DID's validity in non-professional areas... It SEVERELY impacts on us. We have the right to treatment, care and to be accepted, but when people claim the label who aren't DID and get into the system, all of our (DID community's) credibility is damaged, and it is so unfair.
Last edited by bleeding black : 10-07-2010 at 03:42 PM.
Reason: pressed post too early
For me, lb, the 'romanticising' was partly 'oh, sweet little girl, she'll be loved' but then I was slowly confronted with the harsh reality of how I am NOT in a little girl's body any more, and can't have the kind of love she needed then, now. [But I CAN parent myself, and have healthy role modelling from my therapist and others in this.] My eyes have been opened to how destructive and diminishing of me in my life now my little girl inside is.
Regarding Katrina-mind, well, she'll protect me now like I wasn't protected back then, my heroine! Actually, no, it's not like that.
Sad fact is that these split off me-s are defences, which I created to care for myself and survive BACK THEN. Now isn't back then. They perpetuate the past in the hope of present repair and resolution. But it doesn't work that way.
They-I deserve and need compassion, true. But their real nature should not be veiled in 'romanticism'.
Shocking truth - child alter states/embedded inner children are NOT cute and sweet and sugar and spice. They're wounded and defended and trapped in the behaviours they learned back then. They're frozen in time and hurting and screaming and unable to communicate their needs clearly.
what I keep thinking is that if someone really wanted to fake something (for whatever reason) surely there would be easier things than DID to fake?
Then again I think another reason I just accept whatever people say here is that a while ago I was banned from a DID forum as they accused me of faking and it hurt so much, can't even begin to describe how much it hurt... it got sorted, but now I can't go back there as just seeing that forum brings back the pain and insecurity... And so even if I have suspisons about someone or something I would never say as I'm scared that if they are genurine then I'll cause them the same hurt that I felt
i guess thinking about it anything would be relitively easy to fake on the internet... I was more thinking in general rather than specifically online, but ye, you have a point
noone's saying anyone should leave. But if people are feeling unsafe, paranoid, out of place, etc. that it's best that these feelings are discussed and worked out so that everyonefeels more secure here
hmm..ok now i feel outta place.. i havent been diagnosed with any disoociative thing yet.. working on getting help tho. I sometimes doubt myself and my other 2.. because while i did have some sorta of childhood abuse..not exactly sure what..its mostly black and confusion.. i did have long term young adult emotional abuse.
it seems that abuse in young adulthood causing dissociation is very rare and being that i just happened to be a psych student and decided to learn about DID in hopes of becoming a DID therapist in the future..before my disoociation with sadie and sarh began really makes me look like a fake. I know this. but there are a few here that know me from before sadie and sarah were known and I think they can vouch for me when I say that from the bottom of my heart I never conciously would fake disoociation and make up this stuff. i couldnt live with myself knowing ive betrayed and hurt so many people like that and it goes against my values and morals massively as well. i am not an attention seeker ..never have liked attention. my daughter and husband interact with my others every single day. and omg i would never pretend any of what i have been going through these past few months...its horrible.
i do not have flashbacks like many do .. sometimes i hear my ex's voice or see his face or expect my current husband to react in ways that my ex did. Sadie sometimes adds in feelings of the severe depression i had during my marriage to my ex and repeats things he used to say to me. but as flashbakcs go.. like feeling i am truly there again..no i dont have them like that.
as for being scared,, omg i am TERRIFIED and anxious constantly. scared of being judged at all.. as being a fake or even to be believed..but at least being believed helps me cope and accept alittle bit.
anyhow i felt the need to add my explainations in here.. cause well on some level i do feel as if i am being "attacked" here with this discussion even tho logically- i know i am probably not and its probably just my anxiety working overtime.
anyhow i am sorry if me or sadie or sarah has upset anyone.. and if we should stay away from here..its ok just tell me.
Hiding
Last edited by hidingme : 10-07-2010 at 06:49 PM.
Reason: typo
No one's "attacking" anyone and no one is singling anyone out or saying people should go. But discussions about this are allowed, as Shadow Light said.
I understand. and like i said the whole faking vs. belief thing bothers me alot because well i know where my values and morals stand with it personally.. but honestly i have no idea what is happening with me and it all very confusing. I guess perhaps i ,myself, go between wondering the same things about myself. I dont know. I just know its upsetting to me because well being a psych student intersted in DID then finding out about sadie and sarah.. does look suspicious.. even to me.. but youd think if anyone knew the truth it would be ME right? but i dont. im lost and confused and scared.
A thousand mile journey starts with the first step
Join Date: Oct 2009
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Originally Posted by hidingme
cause well on some level i do feel as if i am being "attacked" here with this discussion even tho logically- i know i am probably not and its probably just my anxiety working overtime.
basically I'm confused and think I've messed things up right now
