Triggering (Abuse) - dissociative distress thread - Page 156

shadow-light · 30-06-2010, 10:39 PM

gah, i'm getting irritated by jack now... so it's no longer just michelle, but unlike her i know i am not going to say anything. He's been back about 28 hours and has spent about 20 hours of that sat on the computer playing games with headphones on. Esentially I may as well not exist, I said about it earlier and he seemingly just ignored the comment. I hate that conputer so much, I bought the parts, I built it, and yet I never actually get to use it. all it does is essentially steals him from me and so results in me being very alone and lonely despite him being here

hidingme · 30-06-2010, 11:09 PM

Hannah~
hi Sadie's day went ok (or should I say our day???) weve just been tired all day long and achey. humidity and rain makes my body feel so old...everything hurts..Sarah handles it the worst I think tho. thinking of taking a muscle relaxer and going to bed early tonight .

The nightmares were like all of ours ..if that makes sense. but at least Sadie woke from them instead of Sarah. Sarah gets super panicky sometimes with nightmares.
and Sarah says "thank you thank you" for believing her..even tho now she isnt sure she believes herself.

I haven't REALLY been out in such a while now.. that it feels weird.
I mean I am never really "gone" when sadie and sarah are out.. so i kinda feel like I am always out.. but well I guess it feels wierd cause I know they are awake and talking but well its hard to hear them..like they are far away from me. I dont like it.
maybe if i relax and take a nap itll help.. not sure, its very uncomfortable for me tho for some reason.

Hang in there hon.. the strength is still there.. you just might need a bit to rest. If you want you can PM me/us ok?

hidingme · 30-06-2010, 11:17 PM

Shadow~
I am sorry for jack and the computer. Believe it or not I know EXACTLY how you feel. I used to feel that way with mikeuntil i got my laptop and there apeared to be others living in my head with me..
umm and well I always felt like that with my 1st husband, but HE REALLY did use the computer to stay away from me..it just didnt seem like it but he actualy did.. but well he "left" me long before i left him.. better off w.o him anyhow..
that asshole deserves to rot ..
hmm
umm ok guess sadie found her way back up near me wonder if she will stay there ..
*sigh*
i swear.. i am insane, confused and just plain ..i dont know need psych help..
a nap..yeah that may help
Hiding

Kitkat :) · 30-06-2010, 11:21 PM

*hugs Hiding*

Hope you're okay

hidingme · 30-06-2010, 11:30 PM

hi kathryn.. how are you hon? *hugs back* im ok i guess just..i dont know feel sorta lost..like a kid who lost their mom in a store..*shrug*

Kitkat :) · 30-06-2010, 11:37 PM

I posted at the top of this section about going round in circles in my head and whatnot... I just feel like a lonely planet in a solar system.
I don't know what it is... I'm just not myself.

[Fog] · 30-06-2010, 11:41 PM

*Hugs for everyone*. Im on my phone so will do proper replies tomorrow, sorry. But i read and am hoping you all are ok get through the evening safely. I feel so depressed. Im always depressed but im slipping slowly back to suicidal. Im just tired of this and overwhelmed. Dont see my therapist til Monday a week feels like too long.

Kitkat :) · 30-06-2010, 11:45 PM

Know how you feel Hannah, I feel really depressed and I'm slowly becoming suicidal again, but I'm not sure what to do.
I feel overwhelmed too, and the thought of me not being able to tell a therapist is really hurting me inside.

shadow-light · 30-06-2010, 11:46 PM

I am so sick of everyone, both inside and out. Why can noone understand that we are better off alone??? That all people do is hurt and damage us, and all we do is corrupt them. We are better off alone, we are safer alone, alone we cannot be hurt. Why am I trapped in this body with such idiots who cannot understand this simple concept???

Kitkat :) · 30-06-2010, 11:52 PM

I feel the same.
I keep trying to isolate Kathryn from people, but she's not taking the hint.
If we didn't have people around us then we would never be hurt.
Unfortunately Kathryn can't grasp this either, which does drive me mental at times because she can't see what's best for her.

Ayka

shadow-light · 01-07-2010, 12:04 AM

It is just so annoying, but whenever I point it out they all act as if I am the bad one... I am not, I am just trying to protect us that is all, but none of them can understand nor appreciate this
Sarah and Rachel especially cannot understand this. Sarah acts asif people are required for life, she thinks we need to be nice to everyone and do everything anyone asks no matter how stupid or dangerous, and Rachel says that we are bad and awful and that’s why people hurt us, that we are bad not them.

But they are just stupid, they didn't even fight back, they are all stupid and idiotic and pathetic, over-reacting to nothing. We are not all bad, THEY are bad, people are bad, people hurt us, people use us, we need to be away from ALL people

Kitkat :) · 01-07-2010, 12:11 AM

Yep, yep, totally get everything you're writing. I feel exactly the same way. It's people who hurt us, who damage us, who limit us from being something better. It's people who are dangerous. They think I'm dangerous, that I'm the one they should be afraid of, but I'm not...

Hold on, I thought this was Michelle typing? You said that Sarah and Michelle can't grasp the concept you're trying to put across...

Ayka

shadow-light · 01-07-2010, 12:17 AM

Not sure why I wrote that, Michelle agrees with me mainly, though she tells people whereas I just try to keep away from people. I have no name, Michelle and I were once one, Sarah calls me Michelle2 but that annoys me as I am not Michelle, I have no name, I do not see why I need a name. Names just label and section things and people off, and I don't want to be held back by a mere word

hidingme · 01-07-2010, 12:19 AM

oh man.. yall must be reading my mind!!!

I dont know why Hiding always thinks its soooo bad to tell people off and hurt their feelings.. i mean people hurt our feelings so why is it not ok to tell them where to stick it??

Hiding and sarah get scared of me ..like yesterday when i s/h'd us a little.. i wasn't really hurting them.. i was only getting their attention so they'd focus and stop thinking in all different directions.
SADIE

shadow-light · 01-07-2010, 12:21 AM

We have some who self-harm, I do not do so though. But I can see why you'd want to get there attention, I find yelling or causing headaches works well

Kitkat :) · 01-07-2010, 12:24 AM

Oh I see, sorry for getting you and Michelle mixed up.

I haven't self harmed in a while, but I keep threatening to. We have someone in our system who makes Kathryn's arms go numb and ache... But we're not sure who that is yet.

I give Kathryn headaches though, rather frequent-ish.

hidingme · 01-07-2010, 12:26 AM

well I dont really count it as s/h ...

The following content has been hidden - Reason : trigger- s/h

cause all I do is pinch out arms

SADIE

shadow-light · 01-07-2010, 12:28 AM

I like to cause headaches. It's fun, and when there is a headache noone wants to be social or talk to anyone which means that we are alone, which is good

Kitkat :) · 01-07-2010, 12:30 AM

That's a good point really. I just generally cause headaches because it's fun as Kathryn's not really a headachey sort of person.

hidingme · 01-07-2010, 12:31 AM

I don't do the headache thing..at least not that I know of.*twilight zone music plays* ha!

We get fuzzy,pressure headaches enough from chaos inside and switching alot so I rather not add to it.

Instead I will sometimes add to their depression and "pity parties" but adding in thoughts that the ex used to always say to us.. along with worthlessness feelings..and well the s/h sometimes.