Olivebranch that all sounds stressful and distressing, no wonder things inside are a little chaotic. Do you have a therapist? Is everyone still communicating ok? Newlife *hugs* if lil Jo ever needs to get things off her chest she is welcome to pm me- all of you are. Ive struggled today and have spent most of the evening curled up in a ball. Busy day tomorrow so i hope i can hold it together. Hope everyone is ok tonight.
I don't no. I want to start therapy again in September, with the agreement that no information will be passed to parents as long as I consent to not self harm and to eat a minimum of two meals daily.
In the system we sort of have two parts. Switching between them really, really hurts. We can't communicate through systems.
System A
Sophie Mandi Max Gwen Mercy Erin AVA Tracey Bridget My Isaac
The therapy contract sounds positive, sounds like a great thing to do. We are having a very very very bad night. Im not ready to say why. Maybe tomorrow. I feel so disgusting dirty ashamed. Flashbacks relentless system in turmoil i dont know what to do
Hannah~ Tank you. umm yeh i tout i did see her. i Tout I seed her hiding in bak of dark closit and hers waas scard and cri and dirti girl. hers scard me.. but Sadie tink tat maybe I dreemd hers up cuz i scard to tink tat mayb tos bad tings happin me wen we waz litl. i confusd now. i not sur now if i reely seed her ther or not. i not kno. i frade tat mayb i makd her up an well if i do tat ten tat be a ly and lys bes bad so tat meen tat i is bad. i sori ..if i did lyd i not meen to. Sarah
Tabitha -- I loved what you wrote! Everyone inside did too. They especially agreed with the last part. We all talked about our individual strengths and what we bring to the table. Thanks for starting a great conversation inside.
Jessica -- Salutations! You seem kind and we hope to see you around more :).
---
The Voice I mentioned earlier is prowling around the edges of our little internal world. Maud confirms that it (he?) is an alter, but unwilling to show himself completely. Although he seems very beast-like, with our co-consciousness, we can feel he has some very human emotions and pain. A few of the alters have tried to coax him out, but he won't budge. We'll just leave him alone. He's not doing any harm.
In other news, we are very proud of our new Therapy Bag we made today! It deserves capital letters, yes it does. It's just a backpack, but inside it it has everything we could need to do therapy. "Light" reading materials for the oldies (Great Expectations and The Pillars of the Earth) while we wait to be called in, our journal and colored pencils for the littles, our blankie to cuddle, and a book to write down our appointments in. Also the type-written list of stuff the body has gone through to show our therapist. Can't wait to try it out next appointment :).
My name is Matt, and I am a boy. Feel free to PM me :)
I have learned that the world is not a safe place. Not at all. But there are so many people who love me and want to keep me safe. And that is enough.
Jessica: It's good to try being out every now and again, remember that you can help the whole system sometimes. You have as much right to be out as any other alter does, so, if you feel the need to be out, go for it.
Fairy: Thank you, I'm pretty good at holding things together. I hope your pain from last night has lessened, and, as always for this thread- tell us when you feel able to, if you want to tell us at all that is.
Pale Moon: Thank you. I think it's really important to help all alters know that they have a place in the system, that all of them matter, that, if not all can be liked, all are still loved. I hope 'The Voice' can eventually feel ready to show himself, Mercy was very animal-like to start with but she definately has human characteristics. The therapy bag sounds awesome, we are all really jealous!
Tabitha.
System A
Sophie Mandi Max Gwen Mercy Erin AVA Tracey Bridget My Isaac
Pale Moon: Also, I love the scene that would go on in the waiting room.
DID patient to other patient "Oh, what have you got there?" Patient: "Um, couple sheets, some mood charts and thought boxes. What about you?" DID patient: "Only this." *Holds up massive bag.*
System A
Sophie Mandi Max Gwen Mercy Erin AVA Tracey Bridget My Isaac
^ Yesh! :D We shall be the talk of the hospital waiting room. Also, our therapist will probably love it. On that note, do you notice that the others in the waiting room will refuse to make eye contact with you? When I'm waiting for my therapist, I sometimes try to smile at people, but they refuse to even smile back :/. Come on, people, this is therapy, not a death sentence!
My name is Matt, and I am a boy. Feel free to PM me :)
I have learned that the world is not a safe place. Not at all. But there are so many people who love me and want to keep me safe. And that is enough.
We always put it down to embarrassment. That the people there would feel more 'normal' or 'accepted' if they don't acknowledge other people in there. When Sophie used to go to group, even though we knew them from the group, outside the session, no one would look/ acknowledge her. Very odd if you ask me.
System A
Sophie Mandi Max Gwen Mercy Erin AVA Tracey Bridget My Isaac
That makes total sense. I guess since we've been in therapy on and off for years, it doesn't seem like something to be ashamed off. We are sick, and we are getting treatment. Plus, the hospital/IOP/therapy is where we've met some of the greatest people and we didn't have to hide part of us from them. It's great!
My name is Matt, and I am a boy. Feel free to PM me :)
I have learned that the world is not a safe place. Not at all. But there are so many people who love me and want to keep me safe. And that is enough.
hihi wes be awak and we has be up soon for werk, yuki. hurcan go to mexco. I sori for mexco but so glad it gona get me. we stil gona get lots rayn. so stil nervis an scard.
anyhow we go bak bed now an tri seep. nite nite Sarah
how is everyone doing? Jack is back here now, and has stolen the computer (he is currently in the shower so I've stolen it back) and as my laptop has sort of died this means that I cannot get online :(
hey.. woke up super pissed this morning.. after 3 hrs of nightmares that riled us up w. anxiety. calming down a little now i think since i went off on husband and daughter.. they apologized and hugged me but yeah whatever!
Hope no one at work pisses me off today.. definately not in a tolerable freaking mood today. SADIE
Sarah - I'm glad the hurricane has gone. I don't think you are a liar for saying what you saw, even if you're not sure now. If there is someone else then eventually you will see them again, so don't worry :-] How are you today?
Sadie - Hope you day has improved now, sorry that you had horrible nightmares.
Jen - Your therapy bag sounds great!! I have a box of toys and stuff for all the alters to play with/ use and it's quite useful. How's your therapy going? I suppose it's just a matter of time with the voice... Some of my alters aren't quite human, but still display human characteristics and emotions so I can still communicate with them. Hope you guys are ok today.
Tabitha - How are you doing? I agree with embarrassment stopping people from talking in the waiting room. Sometimes I think it's that people feel exposed and vulnerable from opening up in therapy and kind of feel afraid that other people will be able to read their thoughts or something.
Hazel - How's your day? Is it nice having Jack back?
Emma - I hope that you are doing ok and that the flashbacks have lessened. Hope that the Manager helps to calm things down :-]
InsanityLives - Keep resisting! Hope you are having a good day.
**
Today I went to a day centre for people with learning disabilities to volunteer. I really wanted to do something helpful and constructive. But I feel so withdrawn and depressed I could barely speak to anyone, let alone actually get involved and help. I spent the afternoon sitting at a table colouring in a picture. I feel so useless.
The thing that happened last night is so unbelievably disgusting and embarrassing. I really want to talk about it and get it off my chest and see if anyone else has been through the same thing but I'm just dying of shame right now. Been so switchy lately and having lots of flashbacks and I'm just finding it hard to cope. Feel like I'm running out of strength.
Allie very bad nite vodca bad bad bad it all gone in her tummy he hurt her bad realy bad she cry and cry hours it hurt secret alot
I have a couple alters... sarah - can be mean but nice, 13
Secret - lil but mature nice to everyone really good typer, 5 almost 7 (i know she skipped an age she wanted to skip six bad bad memories)
winter - my newest alter sweet motherly caring, 29
im sorry secret. does anyone of you want to talk about why shes crying?
im about ready to collapse.
switched at a bad time we were on the street and had to curl up under a tree at the elementary school to let it pass and its not fully gone.
wtf has been going on? for once im actualy confused b/c i cant get into the pst few days of what hapened.
apparently we have tennis later. i cant play too good.
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you seem really nice. And tabitha i think youre doing amazing holding things together.
