Triggering (Abuse) - dissociative distress thread

[hidingme]

hey
well this is gonna just be a GREAT day..not.
upset a friend's system by sarah saying there may be another little inside.. think cause well she had something similiar happen recently. *sigh*
I'm kinda angry about it. I mean I understand where they stand and why it upsets them but like now Hiding is all sad and upset thinking she's lost a very good friend of hers and Sarah is crying.(honestly iam not even sure when sarah woke up.. maybe when I started to get mad)
honestly though- I'm not sure Sarah told the truth exactly. I mean none of us lie..ever.. but well I think maybe Sarah dreamnt the other one up that way she wont be so scared that it happened to her..I dont know.
anyhow we hate triggering people and so yeah we are all freaking upset over this now.
*sigh*
Thanks, Hannah, I am trying hard to work with Hiding and Sarah.. not easy but i am trying.
SADIE

[[Fog]]

*Cuddles if it's ok*.

Can Hiding talk to the friend and work it out?

Maybe you could do something to help to comfort Sarah and Hiding... Have a bubbly bath and make a really tasty hot chocolate?

It's really confusing when one of you says that there are more... Eve told me last night that there could be more within and to be honest I really don't believe her and I don't want to believe her... I guess it's a matter of waiting until things feel safe enough for any other possible alters to emerge.

I hope you're ok sweetie, I think you're doing a good job :-]

*

I just went to the gym which was good, helped to ease the anxiety. On the way home Bethany kept saying something really upsetting that I won't write because it's very triggering... URGH I HATE HATE HATE THIS

[shadow-light]

how's everyone doing?

I feel really sick :(

[[Fog]]

Why do you feel sick dear?

My head feels chaotic.

[shadow-light]

don't know... just been feeling sick for the last few hours, have no idea why


chaotic isn't good

[Olive branch]

I'm sorry you're feeling sick shadow, and I agree, chaotic's not too good.

Tabitha

[[Fog]]

Hazel hope you are feeling better now. Tabitha how are you today? I feel so down and drained. Its dragging me down its hard even walking about. My head is so sore everyone is saying things. Make it stop. Hope everyone is doing ok today.

[PaleMoon]

Shadow -- Hope you feel better. Being sick is no fun!

Hannah -- I know the feeling. I worry about you :-[

---

My mother found out about us. It really upset everyone. She is all for integration, which is mostly what makes everyone upset.

Jen's mother seemed to be alright with it, but we're not completely sure. Her wanting integration is worrying. The littles especially are upset. She was cleaning the bathroom and made a loud noise which startled us and made Allison come out. Allison said hello but Jennifer's mother didn't recognize the switch.

Why didn't she know someone else was out? I don't act the same way Jen does. She also said Jen couldn't go to nursing school if we had a dissociative disorder. We can! I can study! White would be really good at that. Sorry we're so switchy, just thinking about a lot of things.

[hopeisalie]

hi i have DID i'm spilt into 4 parts
me(allie)- 13
secret - 5 almost 7 (i know she dont want to be6 bad bad memories)
winter - motherly 29
sarah- 13

[[Fog]]

Hopeisalie - *Waves*. Welcome to the thread.

Jen - Wow that's huge that you told your mum. Hopefully she will come to understand it all more the more she thinks about it and talks to you. Switches aren't always obvious to other people, even if the behaviour is very different. I switch often around others but they never seem to notice, I guess people just assume it's my meds or something. Sorry this is a really crappy reply. But I'm thinking of you all and hoping that you have a calm evening and that your mum is supportive *Hugs*. I think you're very brave.

*

Not sure if it's the weather reacting with my meds or whether it's just the general chaos in my head but I'm so unbelievably spaced out. I'm so lost in my head. Nothing seems real. I had to crawl down the hall.

The following content has been hidden - Reason : abuse trig

I keep feeling his hands round my neck choking me and I can't breathe.

Urghh this isn't fun but at least the more spaced out I get the less I will remember things.

[hidingme]

i scard..

friend say she alwas gona be ar frend hers jus has protec hers pepl insid.

The following content has been hidden - Reason : trigr- anxity storm

ther bes hurican in watr. sinc sadie tink i makd up up tat girl i seed..i tink mayb i did an i not know .. and if so tat bes bad and lid. an lien bes bad. so if i waz bad mayb tat way hurcan gona com get me.
ppeespees no let it get me..

The following content has been hidden - Reason : trigr- s/i

Sadie not kno handl my an hidings anxity ovr hurcan. so she pinch ar arm and it leev red spots.

it bad bad day. i gona go now an try bes good girl and start seepin mor like hiding tel us to. *hids*
Sarah

[l.e.g.o]

i told therapist about him saying he'd come
she say she worried he hurt me or i hurt him and get in trouble

thank you all for your support
leaves hugs
my head feels strange as lil jo been about but j hasnt been around in a week

[[Fog]]

Sarah - *Holds hand*. The hurricane won't get you honey. Did you see another alter? Hope you are all ok dear, stay safe.

Newlife - Glad you told your therapist. Hope you are staying safe.

*

I've come back to reality a little bit I just feel so exhausted and overwhelmed by all the crap in my head. Hope everyone's having an ok night.

[katnovia]

Hannah: I don't know what's caused it, my theory is it could be something to do with all the painkilling medication i've been on recently and the hospital stays (heavy doses of morphine). Also our house is currently being bombarded by spirits and there's a particully nasty one lurking in our garden and it frightens the littles...

Jo: Try to stay safe sweetheart.

[l.e.g.o]

im sorry
i wish i could sort it out
i wish i wasnt so pathetic

lil jo is fighting to come out again but she just gets me in trouble and tells things to people
i want j
i want her to help

[katnovia]

Heyo, do ya know how many of ya there are Jo? What kinda things does lil jo tell? is J good at helping? how'd she help hunni?

[l.e.g.o]

3 i think including me
lil jo tells memories like thy just happened and gets trouble
j keeps her calm
im sinking bad
i cant cope

[katnovia]

Try not to worri hunni. sinkin' aint as bad as it may seem, at the bottom the onli way is up. can we help ya cope?

[Olive branch]

I'm doing ok today,

Fairy: I hope you feel better soon.

Palemoon: That's amazing you told your mother, try to comfort the little ones as best you can I suppose.

Hopeisaile: Welcome. :)

Jo: Well done for your degree. I knew you could do it. I hope your therapist learns to work with you, and you can teach her what she needs to know about you.

Jessica: That was really good advice, btw.

Tabitha

[Olive branch]

Two other things, firstly, I'm sorry if I didn't reply to someone, it wouldn't be intentional.

Secondly, I wanted to share something I wrote about DID this evening, might be helpful, it's long, about an A4 page, so I'll put it in a hide box. There is nothing immediately triggering, though if sensitive read with care.

Tabitha.

The following content has been hidden - Reason : Long-ish.

We are stuck in childhood. The monsters under the bed, and those in it, scare us, actively, each night. We still feel the need to hold toys tight to our chest, to curl into a tight ball in order to make ourselves smaller, safer. Yes, sometimes we cannot help but to find ourselves under a table, or in a wardrobe. Don’t be alarmed if we seem afraid of you.

Be patient, triggers can change. Something, which may be fine to make fun of one day may cause anguish the next. Don’t blame yourself for this. Sometimes colours, smells, shapes can set us off, reduce us to a confused mess or a voiceless child.

Realise that every single switch causes pain, physical pain. Headaches, nausea, dizziness, fatigue and twitching are just some symptoms. Forgive us for running away when it gets hard. None of us know how to hold our own yet.

Hold tightest those who are violent. If not physically then in mind. They leech the anger, allow everyone else to attempt to lead a normal life. And yet, remember that your safety comes before ours. We will survive. If you are afraid, then you are not abandoning us if you leave. Remember us, come back to us, but be safe first.
Do not tolerate physical or mental violence. We do not want to become our abusers.

Realise that we need you all of the time, but that we accept we cannot have this. Realise that, after hours of waiting, to leave unexpectedly is seen as a betrayal, a fault on our part and something that out to be punished. Realise those forty minutes are the only time in a day we feel accepted.

Accept rejection of your intimacy. Accept our anger at you, though you have done nothing wrong, some of us purely don’t have the capacity to tell the difference. Accept that, through any act of intimacy, there are voices in my head, screaming “Run!” Accept at times we freeze, we can barely touch you.

Share in our joys, for currently, they seem few. Allow us to share in yours, or we feel as if we don’t give you reason to trust us. Give us an example of happiness; try to share the emotion with us. We do not know what happiness feels like. We are willing to learn.

Be aware that we constantly wonder if you have left us, or even if you were there at all. A single item of yours means the world- it can pull us back to sanity. Be aware every day we cannot talk with you we cannot help but to run through the possibility that you have been with another person, or that you have died. Too many people have betrayed our trust, to many people have left. Don’t blame us, but don’t play to us either- we must learn it can be ok to be alone. It hurts, but without the ability to make that step, we cannot begin to see life differently.

Help us realise we are not all broken. Help us to see we are not fragments, but parts of a whole. We are not a vase, we are a sea wave.

Show us how to ask for something. Take back all the times we learnt that, no matter how hard you are struggling, you cannot ask someone for help. Teach those who cannot see beauty in themselves to focus inwards, teach them self esteem.

Know that we are sorry for needing so much. Know we want to make your life easier. Know we all love you, know that as a singular person, if all love could be pooled we love you so deeply, in so many ways. Help us to realise that there is love, inside and outside of the system. And show us that self-love can be allowed.

And so, conversely, accept that we are a sum of our parts.

We posses: Mercy’s loyalty, confidence, wit, anger, passion.
Mandi’s playfulness, her mothering nature, her hope.
Max’s timidity, his ability to remove pain, his altruism.
Sophie’s vulnerability, her sadness, her undying survival instinct.
Isaac’s devotion, his safety, his beauty.
Gwen’s innocence, joy for life, naivety.
Erin’s detached air, her logic, her manipulativeness,
Ava’s madness, her inability to remove herself, resorting to counting to ten, over and over.
Tracey’s fear, her pain, her voice, embodying terrors once faced.
Bridget’s courage, her strength.
Tabitha’s calming ability, her patience, her maturity.
Robert’s need for revenge, his sharpness.
And his younger counterpart, who shows us what mischief means.
Sarah’s bounciness, her smile.
Pippa’s silence.
Their sisters reluctance to even exist.

We are more.

We are strong.

We are more of a family, a friend group than the body has ever known.

We are a system, we are a team, we are blood.

We survived.