doctor took some blood and stuff. Then I sort of lied when they asked if anyone was home to keep an eye on me and said that there was... but meh, if i wasn't ok then they'd have sent me to hospital, so i must be fine
We have no therapist, no psych, no help at the moment. We are off to live alone in Didcot (nr Oxford) for 6 weeks. Thank you for your support, it's getting near impossible.
I hope her validation allows you to self-validate.
To everyone, I hope all of your systems have a sort of aura of being ok. Sympathy to those who will accept it.
Tabitha
System A
Sophie Mandi Max Gwen Mercy Erin AVA Tracey Bridget My Isaac
Hazel - Glad it went well, but please do call A&E/ a helpline/ Crisis if you feel unsafe.
Tabitha - It really sounds like you need extra support at the moment. Maybe you could contact the Oxford Mind or Oxfordshire CMHT? Any time you would like to talk, just PM me. *Hugs*.
I feel weird. My therapist validated how abusive my ex was and also validated the existence of the alters. I feel really dissociated now. It was an intense session and I remembered a couple of things a bit more clearly than before and I do not like it.
Emma im sorry therapy was so distressing dear. How are you feeling this evening? I hope you are ok *cuddles*. Hazel hope youre feeling calmer this evening hun. Im watching tv with my parents now and trying to ignore all the screaming shouting talking whispering crying in my head.
bit calmer. though got Michell ein my head ranting and moaning and being generally angry saying about how jack is not coming back and how he's an insensitive idiot and stuff... trying to ignore her though
Emma im sorry therapy was so distressing dear. How are you feeling this evening? I hope you are ok *cuddles*. Hazel hope youre feeling calmer this evening hun. Im watching tv with my parents now and trying to ignore all the screaming shouting talking whispering crying in my head.
"A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell 'em for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin'
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin'"
Newlife -- It's okay, you'll be okay *gentle hugs if okay*
Everyone -- I've read the last few pages and I'm so sorry you're all having such a tough time. Sorry we haven't been around; been working a lot and studying. We'll be around more and will hopefully be able to offer more words of support and encouragement.
---
Lately (as in, the past few days), the whole system has been scared by this strange voice. It comes on randomly to taunt everyone. It's a masculine, creepy, growling voice. If it's a new alter, it refuses to make itself fully known or tell us its name; it just wants to scare everyone.
It makes the littles cry, it makes Luke very angry (because he can't protect against something like this), and quite frankly it frightens even White and I. Black used to have a voice like this when she first came out to scare me and keep me from telling secrets and so on, but she has ceased that and swears that this time it isn't her.
Everyone really wants to go to therapy so that we can get this out and get some feedback, but we're not sure when our next session is.
My name is Matt, and I am a boy. Feel free to PM me :)
I have learned that the world is not a safe place. Not at all. But there are so many people who love me and want to keep me safe. And that is enough.
Im on my phone so wont do individual replies but i have read and am leaving hugs for all who want them. Ive been trying to ignore the chaos in my head and avoid thinking all evening which kind of worked although bethany text ed my therapist. Writing in my diary now. A particular memory has been haunting me today i wish it would go away. Hope everyone is ok x
maybe it's an alter, maybe it's just that - a voice.
i used to hear things a lot. still do sometimes, but not nearly to the extreme it used to be.
sometimes voices will communicate, sometimes they won't. it's worth a try for someone to try to get it to go away.
You're absolutely right. It could just be a voice.
Soon after I posted, a new alter named Maud made herself known. She specializes in protecting things inside, and offered to help us with the Voice. She has a calming effect on everybody, and seems able to keep it away to a certain extent. We're glad she decided to help, and thanks for your words as well, Newlife :).
And thanks, Hannah, for popping in. It's always nice to see you. Hope the rest of your day is better.
My name is Matt, and I am a boy. Feel free to PM me :)
I have learned that the world is not a safe place. Not at all. But there are so many people who love me and want to keep me safe. And that is enough.
hey hannah~ yeah trying to communicate, tolerate and work with Hiding and Sarah. its harder for me ..more effort to stay calm and patient than it is for themm ..course Hiding doesnt count right now cause she hasnt been out much.
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today sarah asked me some question.. think about eating something - but anyhow i told her " in just a minute honey" she about tripped out and was all confused cause i was liek really nice to her but well she was good, quiet and didnt bug me to death for once today. HA!
think Sarah and Hiding are struggling alot with the chat I had with mom the other day..
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Sarah did tell me today that she thinks we have another little but she doesnt know her name or anything.. she said she is very scared and isolated..way in the back.. and doesnt talk and probably will never talk. we are thinknig maybe she is the one who went thru the S/A when we were 8. I do nknow that while we havent remembered anything more of those memories than the bits and pieces weve always known.. those bits are always in our mind(s?) lately..
Sorry for not replying ill reply properly tomorrow. Its just i was writing and a few alters wrote too its thrown me even tho they often write its not normally so many contributing and i still dont believe myself anyway. So they wrote some awful stuff i was getting flashbacky so i SHed and it was very bad and should be seen to really
Katnovia - Do you know what has made things change? Hope that you are ok and that you have support from those around you.
Hazel - How are you doing today?
Newlife - *Gentle hugs*.
Jen - I hear Voices although the hallucinations aren't so bad these days. I have always thought of it as three separate "systems" - the internal one that is made up of alters, the internal one that is made up of Voices who are not part of me, the external one that includes the Organisation, the Spies, the Other Reality etc. I guess everything is possible. There's one who is in all three "systems" who is not human who is part of the external system, who I see and hear, but she also sometimes switches and kind of possesses me. Voices are not always co-operative in the same way as alters and I have never been able to communicate in the same way with them, but it is possible. Things like running, listening to loud music, and studying tend to help me to overcome the Voices. Maud sounds very nice :-] Hope things get better for you.
Sadie - *Hugs for you, Sarah and Hiding*. It sounds really upsetting and I think you are all being very strong. Sadie, I'm really proud of you for trying so hard to co-operate and help Hiding and Sarah :-]. How do you feel about the prospect of another little?
Plum - I'm sorry that therapy was uncomfortable and triggering for you yesterday, but I'm glad that you met your therapist and you were very brave to come out for a bit. Hope you are doing ok today.
**
Thank you for you concern guys *Hugs*.
The following content has been hidden - Reason : SH trigger
The SH was pretty bad last night, I don't want to write anything graphic but I was scared. I didn't go to A&E, I just tried to sort it out myself. I don't want anyone to know how bad I'm hurting myself and my parents would have to know to take me to A&E. I haven't looked at it yet this morning, I don't want to.
Last night Holly, Eve, Katy and Bethany all wrote a lot. They wrote some things that I hadn't really thought about before. I feel so, so confused and alone. I don't believe that they exist but then why do they keep talking to me and writing to me? Even in the two months when they hid, I still heard or felt them sometimes, even though I decided I made it all up. There's so much I don't remember from my past. Only a few memories stand out even though the stuff with my ex was over two and a half years. I told my therapist one of these memories yesterday and I can't get it out my head.
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