Will do individual replies tomorrow but am leaving hugs for all who want them. My night has been horrid. Lots of horrible memories, diary writing and preparing for therapy tomorrow, bad bad sh, and more alters. Now there are quite a few of us but im still so confused and doubting myself. I hate this.
Will do individual replies tomorrow but am leaving hugs for all who want them. My night has been horrid. Lots of horrible memories, diary writing and preparing for therapy tomorrow, bad bad sh, and more alters. Now there are quite a few of us but im still so confused and doubting myself. I hate this. I cant sleep my head is still racing and aching and i cant get all the bad things out my head and im so tired
Will do individual replies tomorrow but am leaving hugs for all who want them. My night has been horrid. Lots of horrible memories, diary writing and preparing for therapy tomorrow, bad bad sh, and more alters. Now there are quite a few of us but im still so confused and doubting myself. I hate this. I cant sleep my head is still racing and aching and screaming and i cant get all the bad things out my head and im so tired
*hugs Hazel* I'm sorry things aren't going well with Jack. It's hard to tell when someone acts contradictory to how they talk what they really are thinking. He may just be in a bad mood, it's hard to tell. No matter what he's thinking though, you don't corrupt anything. None of what's happened is your fault. You have not had control over how bad things have gone for you.
Is there anything you could do to distract yourself? I know you have difficulty getting out, but do you have any friends you could spend even a little bit of time with? It's really not good for him to be your only human interaction if that's the case, as when he has a bad day or if things eventually did go wrong, you need to have a life outside of him. I know that's much easier said then done, but I do think you should do what you can to try and have things independent of him that you can enjoy.
Hazel - I am so sorry that things got so overwhelming for you yesterday. Have you spoken to Jack since then? Did you get through the night ok? Thinking of you and sending you my support.
Newlife - Hope you are ok.
Emma - Keep fighting against Deception sweetie. I'm thinking of you. Maybe you could call your CPN today if things are getting too much? I'm glad you have counselling today, I hope that it really helps you *Hugs*.
Sadie - Hope that you guys are ok. I can understand you not wanting to babysit - in my system, Holly used to get very resentful about the littles, especially when they were a bit over excited. Have you spoken to Hiding about it?
Hiding - You're not whining dear. You've had such an enormous amount to adjust to and cope with this week and I really admire your strength. Any time you want to talk, feel free to PM me.
Kathryn - I hope that Ayka coped ok with eating and that your night was ok.
SD - I hope that things are going well for you at the moment :-].
*Leaves hugs for all who want them*.
**
I had a bad night last night. I managed to sleep in a bit today which is good because I am not sleeping well at all - very late nights and disturbed sleep. Today I have psychotherapy and I am feeling apprehensive. I haven't really gathered myself back together since last week's session, it's taking longer to recover each time. I'm looking forward to it too though - so much has happened this week with recalled memories, flashbacks, and alters.
With the whole alters thing, I had thought that there was Jasper, Bethany, and Holly. I decided all the others weren't real. But the more I'm remembering, the more seem to emerge and it's frightening me. Eve came back, Frank came back. At the back of my mind it feels like some of the others may be there too. Last night there was a completely new one called Katy. Am I just making this all up to distract myself from the painful memories and give myself a different problem to focus on and distance myself from the memories a bit? Or is it true? Arghhhhh I HATE BEING ME
spoke to jack this morning... he yelled at me and told me that i ruin everything
The following content has been hidden - Reason : trig - OD and suicide
I sort of ODed last night with the intension of not surviving, but then I think michelle or jess got us to hospital, though then i snuck out this morning without telling anyone so now scared that going to get a phonecll of someone turn up at the flat making me go back... or maybe they'll just forget about me
"A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell 'em for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin'
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin'"
Newlife - You passed your degree, congratulations!! That's fantastic news Well done!
Hazel - I'm so sorry that things are so bad dear. Maybe it would be a good thing for you to be in hospital right now if you are feeling very unsafe? Do you have a CPN or CMHT you could call?
"A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell 'em for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin'
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin'"
just got a text from jack appologising, but it hasn't helped... what's been said has been said and it is just going round and round in my head
i can't go back to hospital, they are nasty and don't understand, they think that DID is psychosis and get snappy when I try to explain that it is not.
I've rung GPs and got emergency appaointment this afternoon
Found this link to a blog that we thought might interest people here: http://discussingdissociation.wordpress.com/ - written by a trauma therapist who's worked with DID survivors for 20 years or so.
For those doubts that swirl all around us
For those lives that tear at the seams
We know… we’re not what we’ve seen
For this dance we’ll move with each other
There ain’t no other step than one foot
Right in front of the other
hey all morning.. about to go to work but wanted to hop in here..
Hanah~ thanks. yeah the kid is alright Iguess..for a kid but she just bugs me and I'm not too great with kids.. that is more Hiding's thing.
Hiding told me to tell you thank you too..She hates complaining or feeling like she is trying to get attention, but well she is having a very rough time.. she laughs and asks "what strength?"
Everything is confused. Right primarily, Sophie's boyfriend has decided that he is in love with me, I don't feel the same way, but I'm not sure if I ought to. It would seem easier, and I must try to keep him for the duration of her depart.
Secondly, Robert. He is 19 and very violent, I've read about alters who echo abusers and he does.
The following content has been hidden - Reason : Triggering, abuse of animals. Read only if safe.
He dragged the body to the place of abuse, forced us to build a fire, making us walk over the bad place to find the wood. As we lifted a plane of wood a small toad jumped out, he caught it, tormented it before attempting to stamp on it, I took back some tiny level of control and diverted it. Its leg was still damaged, I feel awful about it, I started to apologise, it hopped off so I left it. Robert then sat and watched, imagining the abuse, placing images of it in our mind. Then a mouse ran across in fromof us, he chased it, tried to kill it too, it was too quick. I came back round to a really seriously fuzzy feeling, even my sight was off slightly. Took us home and we slept for three hours, exhausted by his taunting.
I cant see her coming back for a long time. I can't drive, I can't do work like she does. I'm lost. I don't have friends, people I can talk to, Robert is the only alter I can contact in any form, and he's not worth it.
Help? Advice?
Tabitha
System A
Sophie Mandi Max Gwen Mercy Erin AVA Tracey Bridget My Isaac
Newlife - Shout it from the rooftops!! I'm really proud of you, well done.
Hazel - I hope it goes well with the GP today, I'm thinking of you.
Scath and Hazel - Thanks for the links :-]
Sadie - Yeah I can understand that, but if you can try to work together with Hiding to look after Sarah. How are you feeling today?
Hiding - A whole lot of strength!! I hope you're ok hun, any time you want to talk my PM box is always open.
Tabitha - It sounds like you are really going through a tough time *Gentle hugs if it's ok*. Do you have a therapist? Are you with a CMHT? I'm not really sure what to suggest to be honest, but I'm thinking of you all and sending you my support and hugs.
**
I had psychotherapy this afternoon and it was absolutely awful. Told her some more about the things that happened with my ex. It was kind of good to talk about it and get her validation and perspective but I just feel like I'm reliving things over and over and over, it feels so real :-[ I also told her some more about the alters and she took me seriously and we talked about when I first started splitting and stuff and her confirmation means a lot to me. I just feel... My head feels totally scrambled. There's so many shitty feelings. Why did he do those things to me :'-[
![[Fog]'s Avatar](images/avatars/12 - Copy.gif)
I hate this, I hate being this way
Well done!
