fairy, can you put the photo's somewhere you won't come across them?
Are there things you can do at the moment to distract yourself?
If not, maybe journaling would help, get it all out and on paper..
You are worth so so much more than him, don't let this jerk win....
((((safe hugs only if ok))))
*sitting by you*
We have to go now 'cause our battery is running flat, take care everyone.
I'm really glad to hear how much you are enjoying art therapy and that your therapist is back now. I'm struggling with words right now so can't really write more but I just wanted you to know that I often think of you and hope you are doing ok.
I've got rid of the pictures now but I'm feeling really odd. Bad bad bad.
wow so many replies. didnt think i was worth the time ..still dont but thanks anyhow.
I am not really trying to hurt hiding and sarah.. I just am trying to teach hiding to stand up and be strong and stop being a freaking door mat.
but she wont and she wont let me do it for her. so she gets hurt and upset and feeling depressed and i get mad cause she could have stopped it but didnt! so then i make her have thoughts of worthlessness and weekness because she is.
its so frustrating that she lets people hurt her and does NOTHING about it just says ok and goes and does whatever.. it isnt just ok tho.
she needs to stop being such a weakling and stop allowing herself to be walked on..
its little things triggering us all right now.. not abuse but thoughts of it.. like hidings grandpa telling her sunday that her current husband is nothing and good for nothing.. and the bosses never being appreciative of anything and always critizizing her.. it triggers it all.
thanks all
SADIE
p.s.
Fairy- looking at pics of abusers is never good..trust me hiding has done it and doesnt help when she has to see him or his family either.. get rid of those pics..look at happy pics.. flowers, rainbows, and such..
All of us ( a rare moment)
SADIE, my head is pretty scrambled right now and I don't have the words that I wish I could give you. I can understand your frustration, but remember that Hiding reacts the way she does because of the EA. It can be very difficult to stand up for yourself and to express anger when past events have moulded you in a different way. Perhaps you could write Hiding a letter to tell her how you feel about this, and maybe even give her some tips? Sorry I don't have anything more helpful to say.
I've got rid of the photos now. But his face is still looming over me. I don't know how to describe what I'm feeling. I just feel so overwhelmed, today has been such a terrible day mentally. To be honest with you I'd be very happy not to have to live any more. Thank you for your support - I really appreciate that all of you wrote that. *Hugs*.
Sadie,
We can relate to feeling like we could have or should have stopped the abuse, but we know we couldn't for many reasons. Perhaps you can find a more constructive way to help hiding. You said what you are doing now is just making her upset, feel worthless and weak, which she isn't at all. It seems the way you are going about this is alienatif her further Maybe you two could work together to help her be more able to stand up for herself in a way that doesn't hurt anyone inside. What do you think?
Fairy, you are more than welcome. Don't worry about not having words, it happens to all of us. You just work at keeping yourself/ves safe ok?
Sadie - I really agree with Lost Boys about the idea of working together with Hiding to help her to stand up for herself.
Lost Boys - Thanks for understanding. I just feel overwhelmed and I can't work out what I'm feeling, it's too big, but it's not nice. I've been writing in my diary which has helped a bit but it's hard to work out what's actually going on in my head.
I feel so triggered, I want to do something really bad, but as my parents are away I wouldn't want to burden my younger brothers...
fairy~ please take care of yourself ..i TOTALLY get the face looming in your head thing- really. I get that alot..
sometimes.. esp since sarah and now sadie have come.. im scared to even think maybe he is somewhere in there hiding and tormenting us too.. scarey thought..
please stay safe and remember youre safe now hon * safe hugs*- Hiding
Lostboys- I dont know about that. i try to help her but she doesnt listen or let me handle things so its like she wants to be hurt and then she cries and whines and has a pity party over it.. and it just angers me alot because she wouldnt feel that way if shed listen to me or let me handle it and put an end to that stuff.
so yeah i get mad very mad and i add to her pity party.. she must want to feel bad.. i mean her dad always said that.. that she likes to be upset.. so she must.. so why not let her if she didnt want to she wouldnt let people useher for a doormat.
so i dont know- right now i dont like her much and im realy angry with her.. maybe in time.. maybe.. i dont know..SADIE
There's this huge party being thrown tomorrow night by some of the guys from work. I really want to go. I want to be a normal teenager who can go out with her co-workers without anxiety. I wish I didn't have little kids in my head that I have to worry about exposing to drugs/alcohol/sexual stuff.
I also wish I didn't want to go just to impress them and be taken advantage of :/
Goodnight everyone, I'm off tomorrow so I'll be on to give support and talk.
Last edited by PaleMoon : 25-06-2010 at 05:43 AM.
Reason: add-on
My name is Matt, and I am a boy. Feel free to PM me :)
I have learned that the world is not a safe place. Not at all. But there are so many people who love me and want to keep me safe. And that is enough.
Jen - I always get scared about that kind of social situation too... Maybe you could go with a friend for support? Or just plan to go for an hour so you don't feel that you are stuck there? It sounds fun though :-] Hope you're doing ok today.
Suspended - Sorry you had a weird episode, do you know what triggered it? Glad you're ok now.
**
I feel much calmer today. Actually I feel like an idiot for getting so distressed yesterday. I did my volunteering this morning and I'm off to the gym in a minute. Hope everyone is doing ok xx
well i went to buy something, um adult. and i was fine with it and everything. even though it was my bf who suggested it it was still completely my choice. and on my way back and when i got home i just was crying like crazy and so upset and i don't know why. like usual when i have weird episodes its fuzzy now. even when it was happening though i had no idea why i was upset. it also happened maybe a week ago when i went to get drug tested for my new job and it was taking a while. I almost started crying in the place. That time I was a bit stressed cause it was taking so long, but the one last night I really don't know why I got so upset.
Well I have actually posted on this thread about two years ago after a psych first asked whether I dissociated and lots of questions and it confused the hell out of me. Anyway, long story short, two years later and things have gotten worse and my CPN thinks that I dissociate. I'm still not sure about this, I mean when I get very upset or stressed by something then I will sometimes switch onto auto pilot and another part of me takes over, where by I am don't feel in control of what is going on- everything feels spacy and afterwards it all feels like a dream. I know what happened but if someone questions me on it then I can't answer them. At other times it feels like nothing is real- like I am living in a computer game or something. I can't make sense of anything and it all just gets really confusing and frightening.
I'm not really sure why I am posting here to be honest, I am not even sure I would agree with her that what I experience is dissociation as such and it kind of seems like most of the people on this thread are diagnosed with DID or something like that and I am sure that does not apply to me. I guess I am just confused about everything is all.
The CPN said it was a defence mechanism that happens when my head can't cope with processing something but then I think I dissociated during a panic attack the other day and that doesn't make much sense to me either.
Pomegranate, I am glad you posted. My official diagnosis is DD-NOS (Dissociative Disorder Not Otherwise Specified); not everyone here has DID. It sounds distressing that you dissociate so much; have you tried any grounding techniques to help cope with it?
How is everyone else doing today?
My name is Matt, and I am a boy. Feel free to PM me :)
I have learned that the world is not a safe place. Not at all. But there are so many people who love me and want to keep me safe. And that is enough.
Hi Pomegranate. It does seem to have gotten a little DID-heavy in here recently, but this thread really is for any form of dissociation and it's a big spectrum. What you're describing sounds like depersonalization to me (or derealism, I get them mixed up... but I thing depersonalization is to do with sense of self whereas derealism is the sense of surroundings) to my knowledge depersonalization is usually anxiety or stress related (and sertraline withdrawl related as I found out not long ago lol)
"A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell 'em for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin'
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin'"
SD - I'm so sorry you had such a distressing experience. Maybe somewhere in the back of your mind, memories were triggered by the purchase and so you reacted to that, without being fully aware of why you were so upset? Are you feeling ok now?
Emma - I'm awful with spending money and stealing when I dissociate/ switch. Most days I end up with things in my bag that I don't remember getting, and I was arrested a few months ago after a particularly bad one. I struggle with it still, so I don't really have a lot of advice, except to plan ahead and prepare yourself. If you can be with someone else while you're in a shop, that really helps. Practice grounding techniques to try and prevent dissociation. Leave your card at home and only carry the cash you need for what you intend to buy. Easier said than done, I know. I hope you're doing ok dear.
Pomegranate - Sorry to hear what you are going through. Dissociation is frightening and confusing. There is a very wide spectrum of dissociative disorders, from DID to zoning out when you walk down a familiar road. Feeling like you are not real and getting fuzzy when you are distressed are upsetting experiences and I'm sorry you are going through this. If you ever want to talk, PM me :-] xx
Jen - How are you doing today?
Hazel - Has today been any easier for you? Did you get to your appointment this morning?
Newlife - You're not bad *Hugs*.
**
Today has been much more bearable than yesterday. I have been very busy and have exercised waaay too much, but at least I've been occupied. I spent hours this evening doing housework because I felt so agitated. Tomorrow I am going to Oxford for a little trip with my brothers which I'm looking forward to but feeling apprehensive of the change to routine etc. My parents are also back tomorrow, hurrah!! I saw my old hypnotherapist today and she completely blanked me which I'm really upset about but am ignoring for the time being, might post about it in MH shortly. Hope everyone is ok this evening xx
ye today has been a bit better. Jack phoned me this afternoon and it put me in a really good mood lol, usually when he goes away he never contacts me I have to contatct him so it sort of felt nice that he thought of me. Managed to get to doctors appointment too, which is good, though he started talking about getting me a social worker I'm not sure if there is much point though with my moving in 7 weeks
Sarah has been about today, she's been doing a lot of drawing
![[Fog]'s Avatar](images/avatars/12 - Copy.gif)
I'm not sure if there is much point though with my moving in 7 weeks