Katie of course you belong here. I really care about you and I know a lot of other people here do too *Hugs*.
Emma maybe you could have a bath or something to try to help you relax? I'm so sorry things are so hard for you.
**
I had another flashback when I was walking around town. I came home and hid. When I calmed down I found loads of stuff in my bag that I don't have a receipt for. I want this all to go away. I feel distraught and shaken and scared and I'm so dissociated I'm floatiiing
im new or at least im new to "hiding" and sarah's knowledge.
I cuss alot so i wont talk here much. and im always p.o'd over something ..and EVERYTHING.
Sarah is scared of me and i dont wannna baby sit that whining brat anyhow.. Lisa doesnt seem to like me.. maybe she is scared of me too.. not sure.. she is so weak . i think she likes being a doormat for shos covered in dog sh*t.
guess i will shut up now..lisa doesnt want me triggering anyone.
"A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell 'em for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin'
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin'"
i dont care if they know about me or not.. doubt itll make much difference.
im angry over everything im angry at the ex who Emotional abused us and im angry at myself for not being able to stand up to him better ..even tho i did try.
im angry that "hiding" is so f'ing weak and lets herself be walked all over and sh*t on then ahe gets depressed over it.. well wahhh.. stop being a f'ing baby and do something about it.. stupid.
im angry that "hiding" wont let me tell his wife to stick the job up their *sses.
life just sucks and the sooner they learn to deal with that the better..there is nothing that will change it.ever.
sorry you are overwhelmed..think that is why hiding and sarah are trying to be out too. i think they are scared of me being here.
hi
you know what is the big f'ing deal with age? I can semi hear"Hiding"thinking about how old i am. but why do i have to pick just one age. I am not sure what it is. i know the age range but that is all i know right now.. never thought about cause it doesnt matter. why should it matter? just another thing for me to vent about..
SADIE
Last edited by hidingme : 24-06-2010 at 09:58 PM.
Reason: changed real name to "hiding"
I don't know... I guess humans just like to label and categorise things and when trying to understand members of their system age is an easy thing to comprehend
Newlife - I don't think you're bad at all. Hope you're ok.
Hazel - Yeah it's exhausting feeling upset! Hope you get a peaceful night's sleep tonight.
SADIE - Sounds like you have very good reason to be angry. Maybe Hiding is angry too though, and it's not Hiding's fault that the ex was abusive. Feel free to PM me any time you want to have a rant. There's one called Holly in my system who took a lot of the stuff from my ex and she is angry all the time. She really hates me and she thinks I'm weak because I let my ex do things and Holly is the one who had to bear it, not me.
*
I've calmed down from earlier. I spent the evening with my brothers which was nice. I feel really guilty, like I've let them down or been a crappy sister, but I'm not sure why because I don't think I did anything wrong... Feel kind of drained and numb from everything today. And everything seems weird and wrong and out of place because my parents aren't here.
thanks fairy. i didnt take the EA but i was there i just couldnt stand up to him very well.. when I tried hed say something to make "hiding" cry.
SADIE
I'm constantly torturing myself by thinking "Why didn't I say no and stand up for myself?" The reason I didn't stick to saying no with my ex is because I was young, vulnerable, ill-equipped, naive, impressionable, wanting to please, in love, insecure and uncertain. I was not in a place where my opinions were strong enough to hold up to the kind of manipulation and pressure that they were put under. I'd love to think that if I had another go at it all, I would say NO and that would be that, but the truth is that I couldn't have done it differently.
What I'm trying to say in a long-winded way is that it is not your fault, and you should not feel so angry with yourself for not standing up for yourself more. That's not how it works with abuse.
I know it's terrible and unbearable... Just wanted you to know that I understand.
feeling unable to stannd up to an abuser is nothing to feel bad about. If these people weren't good at hurting, manipulating and controling us then they would not be abusers.
Michelle often blames myself asnd Arah for a lot of what happpened to us as we didn't ffight back whereas she did, but it was none of our faults, he had the issue not us
Last edited by shadow-light : 25-06-2010 at 12:04 AM.
I am such a F*CKING TW*T I am looking at photos of my ex that I found it makes me so F*CKING ANGRY ITS DISGUSTING F*CK F*CK F*CK I DESERVED IT ALL HIS FACE IS LOOMING OVER ME HELP
Sadie, you are completely entitled to be angry! After being taken advantage of, abused, maltreated we have every right to feel anything that we do, it leads to so many intense emotions and all of them are valid.
It's important though, to realise that hiding isn't to blame. Like fairy said, when we are hurt we are often in a very vulnerable state and unable to take care of our needs for a number of reasons, whether its because we are young, being manipulated, wanting to be loved, didn't have the internal resources, perhaps we never learned to say no or be assertive...
When we are abused it is SO much easier to blame ourselves, to feel angry and enraged at ourselves because we know we can't get hurt by expressing anger inward. This is especially true at the time of the abuse. If we directed our anger outward - at the person/people that hurt us - it could get us hurt even more. That's often why we turn our emotions inward - because it is safer.
But now, you aren't being hurt by that person anymore, and it's safe to direct the anger where it belongs, at the person who hurt you.
You and hiding are in this together, if you join together, you have twice the man power (or woman power :)) to deal with this.
Hope you are alright
We're not feeling too crash hot and haven't been for a few days.
We've missed our meds the past 2 mornings, which isn't helping, and we're feeling pretty alone....
We saw T on Tuesday for the first time since she was away in Beijing and that was alright, mostly catching her up on things. We see her again this afternoon after art therapy. Our topic today is Sanctuary and we're making our sanctuaries in shoe boxes, we've already started ours and are pretty proud of it, it's got hand-made wooden floorboards (even varnished), wall paper, hand made and painted furniture... we're pretty proud. Maybe we'll put some pictures up?
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