How you feeling hazel? I keep getting awful images in my head from what bethany was talking about and i wouldn't mind except it actually happened. And im freaking out cos my folks are away.
I keep getting flashes of things too... but they make no sense as I don't remember the things I'm seeing... and Michelle keeps telling me that Jack is never coming back, which is just not nice :(
I'm watching things on iplayer to pass the time. is there anything you can do to distract yourself?
Maybe Michelle is trying to protect you in a way by being defensive? Sorry about the flashes. How do you cope with them? Are you keeping busy and feeling ok? Im watching a tv programme with my brother i cant concentrate though i feel so panicky. I wish bethany would shut the hell up about horrid things. Hugs x
ye, Michelle thinks we would be better off alone as people only hurt you so she likes to push people away and try to prove to me that they are bad... I understand why but it's still upsetting and distressing
I'm currently just trying to ignore the flashes... but easier sadi than done
I guess that's understandable but it can't be nice for you. Stay strong dear, he will be back for you.
Yep that's certainly true. I wish I could just delete the memories from my head for good. Bethany described some things that happened in more detail than I had remembered and it's brought it all back. And it's even more upsetting because she described them in such a childlike way that it's just emphasised how not ready I really was.
I'm gonna go to the gym now, I need to do something with all this nervous energy. I feel like I've done something awful or forgotten to do something, that I'm letting someone down somehow, and it's driving me crazy.
A thousand mile journey starts with the first step
Join Date: Oct 2009
I am currently:
*safe hugs for everyone*
I cried myself to sleep last night... It's really hit me hard that they diagnose me with that and then just let me go because they thinkI can "move on".
I WAS HAVING THERAPY SO I WAS ABLE TO MOVE ON!!!!!
I can't do it on my own.
I just feel like I'm stuck in life now... I'm not in the present but I'm limboing between that and the past.
The following content has been hidden - Reason : triggering ED and SI
Just ate and now Ayka really wants to be sick... She's angry at the fact that I'm not getting help but she doesn't realise that that's not going to help me. Last night I punched myself quite hard on the leg a few times in the same place, it was actually really painful at the time, and now I've got a small bruise... Ayka's pleased with that.
I locked myself in the toilet because I was having flashbacks and Bethany feels safer when we hide in small places. I stayed there for quite a while and eventually did my workout and kind of walked through the panic attack.
I've never had a flashback that bad. Normally it's just glimpses of memories or being overwhelmed by a feeling. That was awful and I feel really upset and scared. My parents aren't here either so I can't even go and get a hug from my mum
Emma - Are you able to do anything to distract or quieten things down? Maybe put loud music on or sing really loudly or go for a walk? Hope you are safe. *Cuddles*.
Kathryn - I'm so sorry about your therapy *Hugs*. Maybe you could call your psych and ask him to explain why he thinks that you shouldn't be getting therapy at the moment? Try to distract from thoughts of food and purging. Punching isn't nice, I used to hit my face all the time and had black eyes which wasn't a good look. Hope you're ok.
Flashbacks are awful things :( . maybe it happened because you are feeling vulnerable/scared/whatever about your parents being away? But it's over now, and you are safe - Try to keep reminding yourself of that
Yeah I think it's partly the vulnerability of my parents not being here and knowing I need to try really hard so my brothers don't have to feel responsible for me (they are both younger than me). And partly just that things are starting to come out in psychotherapy and it's making me remember. Bethany wrote to me last night saying that she's been hiding all this time but now she trusts my psychotherapist and she doesn't feel so scared any more. I just feel really shaken by it to be honest. Thank you for your support.
the others have been shut out
im in control now
control
no food
only pain
in control
if mummy knows i betrayed her she'll hurt us
need to be in control
"A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell 'em for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin'
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin'"
"A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell 'em for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin'
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin'"
Sophie tried to kill herself. Her system has shut off, the secondary system has therefore been put into action. I have no memory prior to last week. I am aware of Sophie's past. Sophie's boyfriend is distraught. I have no clue how to switch, or how to contact her. I can't even start to think how it might be possible.
Help me?
Tabitha.
System A
Sophie Mandi Max Gwen Mercy Erin AVA Tracey Bridget My Isaac
As for non-human alters, when Mercy gets very upset she can't speak, she growls. She is also very aggressive in this state.
She considers herslf a predator, she has caught and caged a wren before now.
System A
Sophie Mandi Max Gwen Mercy Erin AVA Tracey Bridget My Isaac
OliveBranch - I'm so, so sorry that Sophie was in such a bad place. It must be so awful for you all. In terms of reaching her... I guess she won't come back out until she feels safer, but maybe you could encourage her by writing to her or trying to initiate communication, or just by working on making things safer and calmer in her life so that it doesn't feel so scary for her to come out again. Thinking of you.
Labyrinth - Sorry to hear you've been so depressed. Do you know what's triggered it? Hope you're ok and staying safe.
Shadow - *Cuddles*. I know you're finding this really hard and I wish there was something I could do to make it better... Could you call Jack, or is there anyone else you could be with this evening?
**
I feel much calmer compared to earlier but I've been really dissociated all afternoon and have been struggling to hold it together for my brothers. I'll be alone for an hour or so this evening and I'm almost looking forward to the chance to feel sh*tty and not have to cover it up. I feel like Bethany is just underneath the surface wanting to get out. My boyfriend was really worried when I told him about Bethany re-emerging and the flashbacks today, he said he was worried that I'm getting more mentally unstable and that the last time Bethany was out a lot I ended up in hospital... He was really kind though and cheered me up :-] I dunno I feel awful when I'm alone, but I don't really want to have to be around people either, I just feel all out of sorts.
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