Triggering (Abuse) - dissociative distress thread - Page 141

[Fog] · 23-06-2010, 10:33 AM

Kathryn - Thinking of you and hoping it goes well.

FlyingStar - How you doing today?

Jen - I'm sorry to hear that you were so upset by the images. But it's good that you have some control so that no one else comes out around others. I hope you are doing ok and that everyone in the system is feeling ok.

Sarah - I'm sure she doesn't hate you. I hope you're ok.

**

I have psychotherapy today. I'm dreading it because I don't want to have to admit to all the things going round my head. Last night I was writing in my diary and I tried to pin down what I'm actually feeling upset about, what actual memories, and I couldn't. It's just so many different glimpses of memories that I can't hold on to.

[Fog] · 23-06-2010, 06:07 PM

Yeah pretty much, there's just so many different things that are haunting me and it all just feels like too much, I can't hold onto anything long enough to think about it properly, I just feel crappy.

I just came back from therapy. It wasn't as awful as last week but it was still awful. We talked about lots of different things and none of them were very fun. In a way I'm quite proud of myself because I told her some things that I have never told anyone before. I don't know. My head's just really hurting right now and I can't think straight.

l.e.g.o · 23-06-2010, 08:26 PM

gives up
i feel so alone

shadow-light · 23-06-2010, 08:30 PM

can't keep doing this...

there is constant crying in my head, and I keep crying too but not really sure why... think it's leaking through, is that possible? Just feeling so insecure and scared right now, and generally not safe

[Fog] · 23-06-2010, 11:12 PM

Newlife *gentle hugs*. Shadow yeah i think that is possible. Whats making the others cry? Thinking of you. Emma wow you should be so proud of yourself for being so brave today. It must feel awful right now but thats an amazing step forward. Hope you are coping ok tonight, pm me if you want to talk *supportive cuddles*. I feel crap tonight, overwhelmed by therapy and it really hurts, im quite spacey now, i guess my mind decided it had had enough. I just want all this pain to go away. My parents are going away for a couple of days for their 25th anniversary and im quite scared, my brothers are here but normally i just follow my mum around all day. Urgh i dont want to do this any more.

Kitkat :) · 23-06-2010, 11:17 PM

I was diagnosed with BPD today, and also kicked out of therapy... So I'm therapyless.

Though the psychiatrist said that he doesn't doubt that I could become a full time psychiatric patient.

[Fog] · 23-06-2010, 11:20 PM

Why do you have to stop therapy? How were things with your mum? Are you safe? Hugs

Kitkat :) · 23-06-2010, 11:24 PM

Because the psychiatrist didn't think I needed it.

Things with my Mum's okay, on the train there I told her about the SA from my cousin, and she said that it explains a lot.

I don't feel safe at the moment... I feel kinda let down :( Still, I guess I'll just have to learn to cope.

shadow-light · 23-06-2010, 11:26 PM

Jack goes away tomorrow, and we do not know how long for :( hate being here alone... scared and insecure and just panicy

[Fog] · 23-06-2010, 11:40 PM

Kathryn has he suggested other treatment? You should feel so proud of yourself for telling your mum that. It must have been hard but hopefully it will improve things and help her to understand. Hazel im so sorry

are things ok with jack? Stay safe hun.

Kitkat :) · 23-06-2010, 11:43 PM

No he didn't Hannah. He just said that I didn't need it anymore... So I'm not going to see a therapist anymore.

I feel so lost... What am I going to do? I wasn't ready to leave, in any way. But because I couldn't pinpoint what I wanted to change he didn't know what other option to give me.

I'm just to messed up... I dissociated during it as well and Blue came out because I got really panicky in the session, so what I remember of it is all just a blur.

shadow-light · 23-06-2010, 11:43 PM

he's going to his dads. He was meant to be moving there tomorrow and me follow to London in August, but he apparently fears that I will end up dead if we are so far appart for 7 weeks, so he's only going down to sort some stuff out then coming back. But we do not know when he'll be coming back.. could be a few days, could be a week, could be longer

hidingme · 23-06-2010, 11:46 PM

oh!!! hmm

Sarah has been really overly quiet today and seems so sad. i have no no idea and been worried about her. i thought it was because i got super mad at my boss today but also i kept thinking she was upset with me for something i said and couldnt remember what..
but after reading here what she said.. that is probably a big part of what is wrong with her.

just in case- we /I/or she forgets that i said this to her.. i will put it here for her to see..

Sarah~ sweetie i dont hate you.i could never hate you.. even though we arent sure what is going on and feeling lost confused and a little crazy- i dont really blame you for it. i blame nathan.he hurt me/us and its his fault. not yours. you are part of me and i could never hate you. im sorry i said that and hurt your feeling *safe hugs*
Hiding

Kitkat :) · 24-06-2010, 12:04 AM

Awww ):

I'm sure she doesn't think you hate her.

hidingme · 24-06-2010, 12:14 AM

i not kno/.. i undrstand hiding sory but it mak mes wondr
mayb hers is rite.
maybe if her not let me hav my nam ten mayb hiding wuld not be feelig crazi ..mayb is is my falt.
Sarah

hidingme · 24-06-2010, 12:17 AM

michel say tat it not my falt he say tat hiding scard hers is geting"sik"

Kitkat :) · 24-06-2010, 12:17 AM

Well she is sorry, she wouldn't want to hurt you, you're a part of her, just like I wouldn't want to hurt Holly or Blue or any of my others.

[Fog] · 24-06-2010, 12:35 AM

Kathryn youre not too messed up, perhaps he just felt that you werent ready or in the right place for therapy right now, that perhaps it would make you too unstable and it would be too soon? I dont know, but i know that youre not too messed up and that youll get there. Hazel im glad that he is coming back so you wont be apart for too long, he seems like a good guy. Sarah i dont think she hates you at all. Its confusing being more than one but that doesnt mean she doesnt care about you. I feel like **** and i want to do something very bad.

LuvableLyssie · 24-06-2010, 12:36 AM

Okay this is gonna sound so odd but...

Am feeling like I'm not dissociating, but I kinda want to as in my strange little mind I *want* to be distanced from the world, it's a freakin' scary place! Just so confused, and I hope people aren't offended by my post, as at one point being dissociated was all I ever knew! Like I say... confusion!

x x x

p.s. for want of better words!

Kitkat :) · 24-06-2010, 12:39 AM

I'm so lost at the moment...

The following content has been hidden - Reason : triggering SI

I just can't say that I'm going to be able to stay safe...

I don't know what to do, the urges have been really bad recently and this is the time that I could really use a therapist for that