"A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell 'em for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin'
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin'"
Emma -- It's not that I "came up" with the levels so much as that seems to be the way it's structured in our system. But I am sorry to hear about your little integrating--I can't imagine losing either of my littles, and one I haven't even known of that long!
---
I'm thinking that all of these alters are making their presence known now because our therapist validated White and Black's presence, so the others felt safe enough to come out. But I'm worried. More alters means the abuse won't be pressed down anymore. Ready or not, it'll come out.
The following content has been hidden - Reason : Triggering--Abuse
I mean, just during work we had a brief flashback of being choked by my brother and I had to physically touch my neck to be sure I was able to breathe.
It really scares me that things like that will become more frequent. Two years after all forms of abuse have ended, am I finally ready to face it?
My name is Matt, and I am a boy. Feel free to PM me :)
I have learned that the world is not a safe place. Not at all. But there are so many people who love me and want to keep me safe. And that is enough.
^ that makes a lot of sense. From what i've learnt that tends to be what happens, when you recognise/validate their existence more come forward. I'm sorry, I have no advice except brace yourself, try to learn as much about each new one as you can and try to keep an order to the system.
P.s. Do you think any of your partners would mourn the intergration of an alter? I feel really weird, but its like i've lost a child, I keep having the memories of her go through my mind and then a little voice that says 'she's not coming back' and it just brings me to tears again. I see integration as a good thing but i wasnt expecting her to integrate for a long time and i think im in shock. I miss her
our throat feels swollen and j is going crazy as she has same memory we do of what mum did to us and it bringing it back
got sent home from interview as couldnt stop coughing
im sorry
im sorry
lil jo is only one who doesnt have the memory (shes to small) but i cant let her out i dont want her to be hurt anymore and she wants to be out and im sorry if im amking no sense
"A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell 'em for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin'
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin'"
Jo, it's so good that you want to protect little Jo. Maybe you can let her out when you know she'll be safe, i.e. at home when you're alone. It's good to remember that Little Jo missed out on a lot of her childhood so when you feel able perhaps you could try to let her have a little bit of the childhood she missed out on? I hope that makes sense?
Does J remember the incident differently from you? or have different emotions or feelings about it? It might be worth trying to work out whats going on for her, in order to help you both? x x x
lil jo gets out a bit more as she gets on really well with j and they play together
as to the incident i think j gets much more scared cos it was at 9 it happened whereas i get a bit upset but kinda wish mum had gone the whole way but it hink when we get a bit better i'll talk with her especially as we mentioned the incidents to therapist in a letter we sent this week so we're gonna have to face them
sorry
plus J is craving food at the moment and i cant even think about eating
sorry
"A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell 'em for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin'
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin'"
"A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell 'em for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin'
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin'"
Hazel - Hope that things are ok and you're not so stressed at the moment.
Emma - I miss my alters terribly now that they are not really out and about. I also miss hallucinations from psychotic episodes. I'm terrified that I will lose all the Voices when I recover. But I think I would prefer to be recovered and happy and at peace than to be constantly tormented by Those who call Themselves my friends... How are you doing today? Did you get through last night ok? *Gentle hugs*
FlyingStar - How are you today?
LostBoys - I'm glad that therapy is good and it's nice to hear you sounding like your spirits have lifted a little :-] Yeah, it really helped that my mum helped me to talk it through a bit and to have confirmation that I wasn't being crazy or unreasonable. I tend to immediately doubt myself and I always back down.
Jen - I care :-] It sounds like you have so much to cope with at the moment and I think you are doing incredibly well handling it all and working it through. I can understand the levels of the system, mine works in a similar way but it's all a bit confused at the moment. It's like some are buried deeper or something. I'm really scared about having to address my past too *Hugs*. I think eventually we need to in order to be able to recover and move on... Remember that your alters came into existence to protect you, so they won't just abandon you now if things get too much to cope with. Your mind isn't going to overload you to the point where you can't handle it. Just take it slowly, don't push it, and try and stay safe.
Facet - Hope it all goes well and that you cope with seeing the family *Hugs*.
Newlife - *Hugs* Hope you are ok.
Jocelyn - I haven't really got an answer to your question, I just wanted to send you some hugs.
**
I still feel really upset about the argument with my boyfriend... It wasn't really that big a deal, it's just that it exposed some of the deeper problems within the relationship that I really don't want to admit exist... I'm terrified and confused and I just don't know what to think. I haven't spoken to him yet today but hopefully when I do it will put my mind at ease. :-[
Last night I was thinking about talking to my T about certain things that happened with my boyfriend in the past. I feel so unbelievably guilty for being critical of someone I love so much and it makes me feel really upset. It's hard to explain what happened but I just kind of felt the presence of Eve and could kind of picture her or feel her or something? Anyway so maybe she really does exist... She's never really let me get to know her and I assumed that she didn't actually exist. So confused.
^ We do okay at work, though lately there have been doubts in the system. With so many alters making themselves known (three new ones in as many days!), it's making it harder to focus on things outside when there's so much to catch up on and think about inside. But it can be done, and it gives us something to do and brings in money!
---
Yet another new one, Allison. I suppose no one really cares, but this is more to get my thoughts down. She's around 14, cheerful and just a normal teenager. She holds some of the abuse, so she's in the "middle group," who can come out if asked or when we're alone but usually don't otherwise. I (Jen) am starting to get the hang of how our system is set up.
There are the top level alters, which are me (Jen, the core) and White. We are always out in one form or another and handle things outside. We don't carry memories.
The middle level (Allison and Luke) hold some memories, but are still able to function as caretakers and other tasks. They can come out when we're alone or, I suppose, if our therapist would like them to.
The lower level (Black and Elizabeth) hold the worst and the earliest memories of abuse. They are limited in some ways (like Elizabeth does not talk much), and almost never come out. They are cared for and looked after by those higher levels in the system.
Sorry if this wastes space, just trying to get everything together. Hope everyone is having a good day. We'll post more tomorrow, as we have the day off work and everyone is excited to have some time out.
1st part, i guess. it's just idk we're younger and it's already gonna be difficult to find a job, and i'm kinda paranoid i guess >.>
2nd) your not wastin space. works for you to get out how your system works its a good thing :)
and since it works for you its great
besides the fact that jordan keeps messing with the cats and kyle ONLY wants to talk to his boyfriend[who is actually prety nice, even when drunk.], no one else, we're fine.
Um, hi. butting in here... this would be one of my "occasional pop ins of the day"
I don't want to use her PMs because I kinda think it's rude.
lostboys - thanks :) that's not a site i would have considered since it's in asia but i think I found something I like. It's just a matter of getting the money together and somehow delivered. Stupid parents >.>
"A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell 'em for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin'
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin'"
FlyingStar - I hope that Jordan and Kyle are getting on a bit better this evening and that you have a peaceful evening.
Newlife - I'm really glad that your therapist helped :-]
I feel so spacey and out of it this evening. I feel really... melancholy. Just sad and grim and morbid. I'm not really sure why. Well actually I do know - it's the lingering sadness after the argument yesterday, even though it's all over and in the past now and it's all ok... It's just I don't feel that it should be swept under the rug, but I know he doesn't want to go into it...
Perhaps hatties memories were uncovered so she didnt need to stay to hold them, but the new ones hold other issues? Im not sure to be honest and everyones systems are so different... Is there anyone in your system who might know? How are you coping with the new alters? Im doing ok this evening just feel a bit muddled in my head. Hope everyone is ok xxx
I know I've said this before but I'm stopping the alters writing on this site. They will only be able to express themselves on the R/V thread. I don't know why but I'm feeling very protective over them atm.
I've taken them out of my signiture too xox
It's okay, do whatever you have to to to keep everyone inside safe. As for more alters coming out after one is integrated, I think it has to do with new expressions of what Hattie used to do. I don't know why, but I have the feeling that she isn't really gone, it just feels that way. It would be pretty hard for a part that is so important and long-standing to just cease to exist.
Hope you're all doing well otherwise *gentle hugs if okay*
My name is Matt, and I am a boy. Feel free to PM me :)
I have learned that the world is not a safe place. Not at all. But there are so many people who love me and want to keep me safe. And that is enough.
Sorry for posting, having a very bad night tonight.
[Kind of back story] I (Shadow) have done trampolining for a while. And tonight I tried to go back to a club I attended a couple of years ago; there was a lot going on last time I was there, with new rules being enforced regarding piercings (I'd been on the thrampolines for about 3 years with all my earring in and then suddenly got told to take them out which triggered off a whole load of anxiety and I quit going because I literally couldn't take the things out) plus my coach called social services on me because of a bad situation I was in at the time.
So I went back today. I was really going to go, really going to make it. But two of my earrings would not come out, no matter how hard I tried. One's bleeding sluggishly still because I tried to get it out so hard. Two out of twenty-four piercings, and I was not allowed to trampoline. I get that I might have an accident (yet to have one in seven years of the bloody sport). I get that there's a liability in letting me on. But first N suggested putting plasters over them, then C said no. So that was it.
And I know that this is childish, that they can't make exceptions. But, of all the reasons I thought I wouldn't make it tonight (extremely high anxiety to the point where I thought I was going to be throwing up for a while) the fact that I couldn't get the damn things out was not high on my list. And now I just want to cry and cry and cry and I don't know why. Frustration, anger, disappointment, sadness... I can't really identify what the **** I'm feeling but I don't like it. I've come home, stuffed my face with food, someone else has purged, there's people crying in my head and I just want to join in. And for what. There's no reason to be bawling my eyes out, I don't know what the **** is wrong with me.
I just want to stop feeling this bad.
For those doubts that swirl all around us
For those lives that tear at the seams
We know… we’re not what we’ve seen
For this dance we’ll move with each other
There ain’t no other step than one foot
Right in front of the other
Jen- how are you guys doing tonight? Scath- im so sorry that you had such a bad night. Thats a stressful situation especially considering things that happened at the club in the past, so i think its understandable that you feel so upset. Is there anything you can do to help you to calm down? Is anyone around to support you?
I think with "new" alters often they have been there for a while but just sort of hidden, so when they make theirselves known then it feels as if they are new when really they are not.
Then again new ones can of course form, but I think that then it's a gradual thing so you can never really pinpoint when they came into being. Or something... not explaining self well at the moment
Yeah sometimes its like they already feel familiar even though you havent really got to know them yet. I feel like crap tonight been so out of it all day. I should write in my journal but its so much quicker etc to sh...
banana89 - my girlfriend will be back soon, so I'm trying to stay present and safe. It's rejection. I think. Feeling very overwhelming, and I wish things would settle for the moment.
For those doubts that swirl all around us
For those lives that tear at the seams
We know… we’re not what we’ve seen
For this dance we’ll move with each other
There ain’t no other step than one foot
Right in front of the other
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