hey palemoon (sorry dont know your name) how are you doing? hope you sleep welll :) Im not doing so good ... just tired of all this..but hey ill still be here in the morning!
Hey wannabfree (my name is Jen, by the way), we're not doing so hot anymore. Not a half an hour after we admonish everyone else to stay safe, we do not.
The following content has been hidden - Reason : May be triggering
We were having a conversation inside right before bed, and Black got really upset because she can't accept that we're all part of the same person, and she cut.
We're mostly okay. After she self-harmed, Black ran back to hide and doesn't want to talk to anyone. She is frustrated that self-harm doesn't really erase the pain and ashamed that she did it. The body is okay, the cuts aren't too bad. Things are really getting messed up in here. Probably because we're not just pretending to be okay anymore--we're finally trying to probe into why we have the system, trying to think more about the abuse, trying to get through this. But I guess it's a bit more complicated than we thought.
Hope you all had a better night than we're going to have *sigh*
My name is Matt, and I am a boy. Feel free to PM me :)
I have learned that the world is not a safe place. Not at all. But there are so many people who love me and want to keep me safe. And that is enough.
Insanity - what do you mean by shooter games? I'm glad that you're safe :-]
Shadow - how are you doing today? Sorry you've had such a horrible few days *Hugs*
KitKat - it took me ages to remember to start a diary too! I'm glad that Ayka didn't self harm in the end.
Wannabfree - I get that too especially later on in the day. Seems to be worse when I'm tired because I have less energy to put into concentrating on the real world.
Jess - I can't really comment on what's "normal", but I just wanted you to know that I understand, and I know it's scary and frustrating when you feel trapped inside yourself. Are you getting any professional help with this?
Jen - I'm so sorry about what happened last night, but at least you're safe. I can really relate to what you're feeling. I'm starting to delve into things too and I'm finding it so overwhelming and frightening that everything's getting more tangled up in my head. Unfortunately it seems like things have to get worse before they get better. Hang in there, because it WILL get better, and you deserve so much more than this. How are you all feeling today?
Black - I'm so sorry that you were so upset last night and had to self harm *Gentle hugs* I know it's really scary thinking about sharing the same body, and it's horrible having to cope with painful memories. I can understand your frustration at the self harm not erasing the pain - maybe you could try writing or drawing or something expressive to let out some of what you are feeling in a less destructive way? Don't be ashamed though. It's understandable that you are finding things so hard, but it will get better and it won't be like this forever. Stay safe.
I put a thread in Abuse about my morning, but basically my dad (who is the minister of my church) did a sermon this morning about the body being a temple, sexual immorality and stuff and it's made me feel really angry with him, probably disproportionately.
Insanity - I agree, sometimes it seems like it's easier to keep the painful stuff buried... But it's not possible to block it off completely and not dealing with the issues just means that it kind of seeps through the cracks and causes all kinds of problems. Which is a shame because I really would rather not delve into my past lol. I'm glad that she used the game as a constructive thing instead of using destructive coping mechanisms. That's definitely a good thing.
Kitkat - do any of the other alters communicate with her? Is there anyone around - family, friends - who could stay with you today to make sure that you don't switch and she self harms?
Urghh I'm still feeling really angry and hurt about my dad's stupid sermon this morning even though I know it wasn't personally directed at me. Tomorrow I have psychotherapy and I just want to destroy myself right now. I don't want to die I just want to destroy my stupid disgusting body it's brought me nothing but trouble and I hate it SH urges so bad today :-[
A thousand mile journey starts with the first step
Join Date: Oct 2009
I am currently:
No, they don't like her, not even Crystal, who's just about as reckless as Ayka.
No I don't think so, no one knows that I've been getting urges, apart from one of my friends but she's all the way in Penge and I'm at home in my PJ's.
Do you have a CPN or a crisis team who you could call? Or maybe you could do something like go to the supermarket or to the park where other people will be, so Ayka will be less likely to self harm as it would be in public?
A thousand mile journey starts with the first step
Join Date: Oct 2009
I am currently:
I don't have either :/
That wouldn't work... She's self harmed in a public place before, in fact that's where she's planning to do it because then we won't be at home and my Mum can't interrupt her.
Fiona also has an ED and is trying to control my eating habits and it's getting hard to battle with her.
I have that problem with Sarah, I think it's because she is 16 so I assume formed when I was 16 and when I was 16 I was in hospital for a bit due to anorexia... it really can be hard at times, basically a literal internal war
A thousand mile journey starts with the first step
Join Date: Oct 2009
I am currently:
I understand about the ED part, I'm a borderline anorexic and someone's trying to get me to become fully anorexic because they keep telling me I'm too fat.
I know its not me because in myself I'm happy with the way I am, but clearly someone else isn't.
I'm sorry to hear the home treatment team don't understand dissociation
I've be screned for psychosis more times than I can count... and the more I tell them it;s not psychosis the more they seem to think it is. But everytime they've screned me they'd decided that it's not
A thousand mile journey starts with the first step
Join Date: Oct 2009
I am currently:
Of course I won't hurt you :)
If you're still nervous, I understand.
One of my younger alters is nervous about being touched by others because she thinks they'll hurt her too.
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