Triggering (Abuse) - dissociative distress thread

[Kitkat :)]

No I don't think it would count as cheating...

One of my alters did that, I don't even remember writing the exam, but I got an A, so I was happy :)

[xxjuliexx]

-sits- we gots a new one -points-... hannah....

(this is frozen, i forgot to mention, lol had to change my name for fear of someone irl finding me)

thanks banana. no one else seemed to notice me acting odd. i mentioned i wasn't feeling right to my friend so she drove me home. i then called my mom up and told her and she picked me up so i could spend the night. i don't think i was acting that odd, no one said anything. i just felt very weird and was blacking out, hands/feet going numb, apologizing for everything, etc. it's happened before with no alcohol but i think because i'd had alcohol, even though it was only one glass and i have a high tolerance to alcohol so i'm sure it didn't affect it much if at all, i was panicking thinking someone was mad at me. even though i really did what you should do if you start feeling weird especially after having a drink by not driving at all. but i've had someone get very angry at me just for having a drink or two (i am overrage and wasn't driving then either), other people confirm i was not acting weird or inappropriate, but he'd still get angry.

in reality it was a control thing with the person and just an excuse to get angry at me and nothing to do with drinking. but i still freak out cause of it. it's like that if i go to a friends house too, i have to tell myself over and over exactly what i did so i know i did nothing wrong because both he and in the past my parents used to be suspicious anytime i was gone, even though i hadn't done anything. i really don't even drink that much, the last time i was drunk was probably 2-3 months ago, and i'm 21 so it's legal. and i don't ever have more than one drink if i'm gonna drive, which is supposed to be around what the legal limit is here.

i'm not entirely sure what triggered it. i've noticed i've been having more dissociation symptoms i guess is what they are. (i hesitate calling them that as my symptoms are so confusing and often are difficult to discern between psychosis, mood swings, dissociation, etc.) but i suppose that's what they would be. the other day i went to see a friend, and i noticed i was zoning out a bit. it didn't feel that bad though, but i started noticing i was not really "with it". i backed my car into a trash can, i was having trouble remembering what was said to me, and i completely did not recognize my surroundings on the way home and felt completely lost for several minutes (and was panicking) and then realized it was a freeway i have taken many times. And I had absolutely no medication or alcohol that day so it wasn't that. Scary thing about that time is that I wasn't even really aware of the fact that something was wrong until i noticed this pretty potentially dangerous and very unusual stuff.

so yeah i don't know for sure what triggered it, though i do think it might have something to do with me talking about some stuff on here and to a few people irl who have asked (it felt over but when it gets brought up it seems more not over) and having to go through some old emails i sent my ex due to some complicated security issues. i'm going to tell my counselor but every time i've told professionals stuff like that they don't seem to take me seriously. it also makes me afraid that it's possibly not dissociation, that it could be like seizures or something and just being written off as mental health related since i'm in treatment and all.

[bleeding black]

No, :) it's not cheating because it is still you.
In 08' when we were studying if Ash (or whoever) wasn't able to manage a class Damien would often come out, do the class, take notes etc and pass it over (the notes and memories) to Ash when it was over; Damien is a very studious type, and it really helped us get through.

We're doing ok-ish with Ash's grandparents, but it's hard because we feel like we have to have yet another front and they wouldn't really know what to do if anything was our of the ordinary, so we're trying to keep it calm, at least on the exterior.
Plus our T is away, for another 2 weeks. We're seeing her replacement today, we've seen him a couple of times when T's been away and he's pretty good.

We've only got a little bit of journaling going on at the moment, there was quite a bit last week, Red - from the system we're still learning about - did some drawing and wrote some things. He gets frustrated with his handwriting though so tends to 'write on the screen' (use the computer) when he's trying to communicate something specific.

We're enjoying spending time with the olds, but a part of us just wants to go home. And sleep. We've been sleeping terribly and it's starting to effect us *groan*

Odd things I've seen and heard today:
T shirt and gloves.
The reason why she won't wear Red? 'Because on ladies at least, you can't wear red without a red lipstick and yuk' :D



Just curious, how many of you guys have been diagnosed with DID, and what is your psych/T's aim through therapy?

I have not been diagnosed with DID, just been told I dissociate. I'm not sure what my therapist aim is, only had 2 sessions since I restarted a few weeks ago.

[PaleMoon]

"We" (it's kind of odd, but it feels right to refer to ourselves like that) don't have DID, but we are on the dissociative spectrum.

We are the same person, but broken up into different pieces. White doesn't hold any abuse memories and is us if we were "normal." Black holds all of the abuse and is in constant pain. She fuels self-harm, ED, etc. Jennifer is the name and self attached to our body.

Rather than "coming out" (since we are not alters, but parts of the same person), Black and White exert their influence on Jennifer. White is "out" nearly all of the time in order to live our life and keep the secret. Black only comes "out" during times of extreme stress and therapy.

We have never talked specifically about it on here because we're afraid of being labelled a "DID wannabe" or a "faker." But we have no other way of being.

Our therapist calls it "extreme compartmentalizing" and thinks we're very resourceful to divide up the responsibilities so much while still staying a whole single person. That makes us happy :)

Anyway, our therapist specializes in DBT and is helping us deal with flashbacks, nightmares, etc. with coping strategies. Black doesn't like them; she thinks they'll never work, but we try, and our T is very proud of us. She also wants us to reduce self-harm and ED symptoms the same way. She really wants us to go to long-term residential or IP, so that we can learn to be just Jennifer, without needing White or Black. They are scared of not being needed anymore.

[Wannabfree]

Oh God i am so fed up with dissociating...i do it all the time especially if i feel threatened or if anything sexual is involved...which is bad cause then i let people do what they want cause ''im not there''. The psych is concerned about it, and i am distressed about it. Is there anything i can do to help me stop? i feel like im in a different reality most of the time...i cant stand this...im very distressed :(

[PaleMoon]

Wannabfree, strong sensations can help you "ground" yourself into the present. Cold or heat, light, and so on. It can be hard to bring yourself out of it on your own. If you can try repeating what is true about you now, in the present.

For example, I would say: "I am 18 years old, the year is 2010, I am sitting in a chair, the chair is soft," and so on.

Alternatively, you can ask someone else to help you out of it. Ask those you trust to "bring you back" when they notice you going away. They could say to you the above things or gently touch you.

I'm sorry you're struggling so much *gentle squeezes*

[PaleMoon]

I (speaking for us all) am most sad about our level of dissociation because we don't ever get to forget about the abuse. Most everyone here has alters to hold it, and that has its own challenges, but we always remembered the abuse. We always knew it happened, we never doubted it. That's why we have Black, to hold it.

But White is aware of her presence, and they talk (and argue a lot). They never agree on what to do about the abuse. White denies it ever happened, thinks we are blowing it out of proportion. Black is so used to being hidden that she never comes "out" except when we are alone. So White gets her way, and we go to work full-time, and study, and clean, and run errands, and pretend we're okay. Then Black can come out and we break down alone (or somewhat on here).

Long story short: We rely on White too much. Black needs to come out, the abuse needs to be dealt with. But she refuses to. She communicates through Jennifer and White talking about her. If she did come out, there would be drastic consequences. We need IP so that there aren't permanent consequences for our body.

And we're sorry we complain so much when others are so much sicker and suffering so much more.

[Wannabfree]

Quote:

Originally Posted by PaleMoon

Wannabfree, strong sensations can help you "ground" yourself into the present. Cold or heat, light, and so on. It can be hard to bring yourself out of it on your own. If you can try repeating what is true about you now, in the present.

For example, I would say: "I am 18 years old, the year is 2010, I am sitting in a chair, the chair is soft," and so on.

Alternatively, you can ask someone else to help you out of it. Ask those you trust to "bring you back" when they notice you going away. They could say to you the above things or gently touch you.

I'm sorry you're struggling so much *gentle squeezes*

Thanks Palemoon ill try using those techniques. Most of the time im not aware im dissociating untill im too far away to come back...and the room goes hazy and white and voices fade in the distance...this makes even a normal conversation hard.

Does dissociation always involve some separate identity or compartment for the bad stuff? i feel like i am one person who is functional and the other who is scared, and cant function whatsoever and needs to hide.

[[Fog]]

Julie - *waves* hey, I used to use this thread a lot but have been taking a break from RYL for a while... But now I'm back :-]

Suspended - Sounds to me like going through some of your old emails and thinking about your ex could have brought up memories causing you to dissociate more. That's certainly what's happened to me this week. Maybe you could keep a diary - I'm not saying in depth, but just have a note pad to write down what you are doing and feeling in bullet points, so that you can look back and see if there are any triggers. I have to keep a food diary and it's actually quite useful in keeping a record of my mood and thoughts as well as food stuff. I hope you're ok today :-]

Ash/ Lost Boys - I'm glad to hear that you're holding it together ok. Do your grandparents know about your DID? When my psychiatrist diagnosed me he recommended having abreactive therapy to try and deal with things from my past, but other than that I don't know of any dissociative-specific goals to my therapy. Have you asked your therapist? Are you concerned about total integration?

PaleMoon - Thank you for telling us about your system. I am not diagnosed as DID but as DDNOS. I do have alters but I have long periods where everyone just disappears and when everyone is around and someone else is out I am still kind of co-conscious, it's like I am on the ceiling watching the alter, and sometimes there is more than one of us at the front. So because I don't have total amnesia when I switch I don't fit into the DID diagnosis. The diagnosis is actually going to change anyway when the next DSM comes out. But anyway my point is - please don't feel that you are a "fake" or anything like that. Dissociative disorders are very very different for everyone and just as valid for all sufferers despite the differences. If you ever want to talk, just PM me :-] How do you feel about going IP?

Wannabfree - I have the same problem in that I dissociate and then don't say no when it comes to sexual things. Could you speak to your sexual partner about this so it doesn't happen again without you wanting it to?

Last night I wrote loads of stuff in my journal to try and prompt more memories related to my ex. What I thought was one memory that was pretty clear turned out to be really hazy and I couldn't remember any of the actual sexual things. Now I'm really confused about it. He could have done anything to me and I don't remember. Or maybe there's nothing to remember and I made it up. Either way, how am I supposed to come to terms with it if I can't remember what actually happened?

On another note, I'm wondering about my alters. I was doing really well a few months back journalling and getting to know the others. Then things went wrong with my therapist at the time and I ended up being admitted. Nowadays I'm not sure I even have alters, maybe I made that up as well, maybe it was psychosis not dissociation. But while I'm remembering things at the back of my mind I feel like some of the alters have things to say. But am I just making it up?

[Kitkat :)]

I don't have DID but I do dissociate a lot, as my friend says I now live in a constant daydream.
I can't help it, my mind just wanders off from whatever I'm doing...
You'll see on one of my threads here "Memory... Well not having one" is that my memory has progressively got worse as my days are now fading away and I can't remember the things I do from day to day... Like, I know I get dressed and stuff but I just don't remember anything.
All of my alters appear at different times... Blue appears whenever my emotions, normally crying and sadness, are concerned and I'll just sob uncontrollably over the slightest thing, which isn't like me because I never cry.
For those who do psychology or have done it will know what I mean when I say that Ayka is more like an Id... She controls all my instincts, but does go overboard with them by wanting to hit random people and tell the people that I like to shut up and stuff and be violent towards them.
I know nothing about Holly and Sapphire, they haven't opened up to me yet.
Skye helps to keep me calm and control mainly Ayka, she's a little out of her depth with Crystal, although she's away at the moment.
I think Crystal comes around in times of stress, she wants to take a lot of drugs because it keeps her happy, and most of the time she's very sly and I don't know when she's taken over.
We all journal, just so we can talk to each other calmly and rationally, but Ayka's been talking to me in my head more recently. I don't think she likes writing things down.

[bleeding black]

Wannabfree,
No, dissociation is a very large spectrum, from 'highway hypnosis' where you drive along the road and lose track of time as you drive a stretch of road, all the way through to the extreme - DID, where emotions/memories and behaviours are dissociated to the point of alters being created to carry or hold these things.

Dissociation is a partial or complete disruption of the normal integration of a person’s conscious or psychological functioning. Dissociation can be a response to trauma or drugs and perhaps allows the mind to distance itself from experiences that are too much for the psyche to process at that time.Dissociative disruptions can affect any aspect of a person’s functioning. Although some dissociative disruptions involve amnesia, the vast majority of dissociative events do not

Just about everyone has the capacity to dissociate. A mild form of dissociation is the day-dreaming state many have experienced while staring out a window. Another is when a driver can't recall having travelled a short distance in their journey. There are varying degrees of dissociation. Some children develop the ability to dissociate to very deep levels in order to mentally escape during episodes of abuse. In cases of abuse and trauma, dissociation can be a protective mechanism.

[shadow-light]

I'm starting to question this whole DID thing... I mean when the psych first said about it it did make perfect sense, but now I'm finding myself trying to find an alternative reasons for all the things I experiance...

then again maybe I just don't want to believe that I have it? Yet at the same time when others say about it not being real or whatever I get so defensive... and I'm struggling to explain some of the things that go on any other way.
I think it might be just because I still don't know what "caused" it... other than emotional and a bit of physical I don't remember any abuse occuring early enough in life, then again I don't remember much before the age of 15



Got put back on medication this morning too :( that will be "fun"... Rachel esspecially hates meds, last time we were on them she kept hiding them and stuff

[Stellata]

On a similar vein...

In my dream last night I was having some kind of assessment at a college or treatment place. The woman who I was talking to mentioned something about "your selves". I picked this up and asked her if she'd indeed said it. She smiled knowingly, and of course she had.

But everyone has selves, more than one self, the way mine are, don't they?

[[Fog]]

Katie, I think everyone has different aspects to themselves, but when those aspects become separate beings as such they are alters? I could be wrong. But it's normal to have different presentations of yourself and different sides to your personality. How are you doing at the moment by the way?

Shadow, I understand how you're feeling. I kind of decided that the whole DID thing was just something I'd made up when I was ill... I really don't know. It's understandable to have doubts and to question what you are going through. Maybe you and your alters could talk about it together? Have you spoken to your psych about it and got his opinion? I guess what matters at the end of the day is your experiences and how they affect you. The label is just a way to help us to cope I suppose. If you don't mind me asking, what meds are you going on? How do you feel about it?

[shadow-light]

well the psych who diagnosed me referred me... saw the new one on monday but I can't remember anything of the appointment other than getting there lol

[Kitkat :)]

Forgot to write a journal today... Still, there's always tomorrow.

[PaleMoon]

^ Good way to look at it, KitKat :)

Banana89, you have no idea how much it meant that you validated me. Black especially is enormously relieved.

Sleep right now is seriously messed up. There have been a lot of nightmares, so much that last night Black came out and burst into tears before finally falling asleep at 5 in the morning, she was so afraid of having a nightmare. Mom isn't very helpful, she thinks I'm doing it on purpose. I also accidentally referred to myself as "we" several times, but I think she figured I was really tired. I have no idea how my parents would react if they knew.

[Kitkat :)]

I told my Mum, because she guessed, as she picked up on when I wasn't really me and asked me what was going on. She said they could be helpful and that I could channel them to do positive things and stuff.