Triggering (Abuse) - dissociative distress thread

[[Fog]]

*Waves* Hey everyone.

How are you all doing? I think of you all often and hope that you are all doing ok xx

[Kitkat :)]

I keep forgetting everything and I'm not sure if what I've done is even real... I'm more scared about what I may have done... And people not telling me.

i'm ok... glad to see you around :)

[ghosts in the machine]

Hi banana89, not seen you around for a while. Hope you're okay xx

i feel so scared. i'm blacking out and my limbs are going numb again. i had to have a friend take me home. i did have one margarita but those never bother me, i really don't think it's that. i feel so scared someone's gonna be mad. :( my mom's picking me up so i can spend the night. my feet and hands feel all tingly and i can't concentrate/blacking out. i've had this before but since i had a drink i'm scared people are mad. :( maybe cause he used to get mad if i'd even have a drink. i've been apologizing for everything lately, i don't know why. i haven't done anything wrong have i? i had my friend drive me home cause i was feeling all zoned out, i didn't drive. sorry.

[bleeding black]

Hey everyone.

We're still at Ash's grandparents place, trying to hold steady, at least externally.

Quote:

I'm hate knowing that if i attack someone, and it's not me...i can't prove it

One of the big things with DID is that whatever you do, it IS you, it's an aspect of yourself that isn't conscious to you, but you nonetheless. Coming to grips with parts of yourself doing things that you don't have conscious control over is really hard, and we still struggle with it. It's really important in these situations to do whatever you can to address the issue, whether it's recruiting another alter like pnuemonia[blue] did to help with the situation, or temporarily locking that part away (sounds terrible i know, but you can make it comfortable) until the situation can be dealt with in therapy etc, working though what the part who is acting out was triggered/upset by, or even just encouraging parts to communicate better... You can't consciously control their behaviour, but you have plenty of control over what you do about it afterward, how to solve the issue.

Kitkat, a good way to keep track of whats been done is to write it down, even things like 'had a shower' or 'went shopping' so you have a record of things that have been attended to can really help with those feelings of not knowing whats happened. And of course journalling, and encouraging other parts to journal as well.
Our system is different (as is everyones) in that we don't really have a 'host' our frontperson, Ash is just a conglomerate of a group of alters who present co-consciously to form 'Ash'
Often when a switch occurs and whoever was fronting before returns they'll find post it notes letting whoever know any important events or little things that have happened or been done..

[[Fog]]

Hey everyone,

Suspended, I'm sorry to hear you had such a bad night. I hope you are feeling more stable today. Was there anyone around who you trust who you could ask about your behaviour? Taking notes on what you have been doing is a good idea. I have a diary and I write down the smallest things I have done because otherwise I can't remember. Do you have any idea what triggered things to get bad for you?

Ash/ Lost Boys - how are you coping at your grandparents? Is it going ok?

I hope everyone is doing alright today xx

[Kitkat :)]

I do let them all journal, it vents how they feel because they often don't tell me and then I can see how I can let them have their moments, as it were.

I do have one question... I can't seem to locate one of my alters... She hasn't spoken to me for a while, and hasn't journalled... She helped me with the others when they got bad as well, is there any way I can try and find her?

[[Fog]]

Are any of your alters close with her and might know what's going on with her?

[Kitkat :)]

Well she was closest to me... The olders don't like her because she tries to keep me on the straight and narrow by telling them off when they try to get me to do bad things... Blue doesn't have any close connection with her and Holly won't talk to me unless it's through Blue, and even then she doesn't say much.

[[Fog]]

Hmm... What about doing something you know she will like to encourage her to come further to the front? One of my alters holds a lot of memories about a certain thing and I used to encourage her to come out and write them down by putting on music she likes, wearing "her" clothes etc.

[Kitkat :)]

True.
She never really showed me what she liked... She might just be taking a break or something, Ayka (the one she helps me handle) has been a bit more loud recently... She might be scared or something.

[[Fog]]

Has anything happened that might have upset her and caused her to retreat?

It might be that she just doesn't want to be at the front at the moment. That's not necessarily a bad thing, and I'm sure she will come back when she's ready, so try not to worry :-]

[Kitkat :)]

I think she's just trying to let me to learn to be in control of them... So far it's working, but it is a bit strained.
Yeah true, I think I should just let her come back in her own time...

Thanks (:

[[Fog]]

Yeah, perhaps she was finding it a strain trying to control the others and so needed a little break? Hope things improve for you though and that the others are co-operative with you xx

[Kitkat :)]

Yeah probably, this isn't the first time she's spent some time away...

Thanks (: I'll try to get them to cooperate (:

[[Fog]]

Good luck, keep us updated :-] xx

[Kitkat :)]

Thanks and I will :)

[Olive branch]

Hey guys, one of my alters wrote an exam for me today. I have no clue if that counts as cheating, or if it's even any good.

Do I need to tell anyone?

[shadow-light]

that happened to me once (got an awful mark)... I don't think it's cheating though as they're technically a part of you