Hey guys.
We're struggling, our arm is pretty sore still from the surgery, we still haven't seen what they did. They saod they were stitching it up and having a look for muscular or nerve damage.
T suggested hospital, and put us on the waiting list, so we can have some safe space to work through some of this stuff, hopefully that will help. We aren't feeling very stable.
We are going to nonno's (our step-dad's father)'s birthday celebration in a little while so we have to keep it together,...
I feel really insecure.
I shouldn't need online validation, when I have therapeutic validation for what I experience.
But scared people don't believe me.
I am becoming more controlled. I miss hurting people, when they deserve to hurt. Help?
Mercy
Sophie-Mercy: Integrated/ getting used to each other. Host
Tracy: I don't really know her, but she's 6 and 3/4s.
Ava, counts to ten or three depending on how badly she is doing. Young
Erin: In charge, Erin doesn't feel anything, she just is. Always.
No one likes being controlled, it doesn't feel good does it? Who is controlling you/.
Who do you want to hurt and why?
Sometimes when we are really angry or hurting we want to hurt people who hurt us...
I've been detached since last week and I am getting back to my normal state little by little, but somehow I still feel numb...I can feel nothing (phisically and emotionally)...before when my detachement feelings were going away I used to begin to feel again, but now I am not...a few days ago I saw a dog being hit by a car and it didn't affect me...I didn't get scared, shocked...I didn't even screamed...I just kept looking at that scene and I felt nothing...
Besides, I am alternating between periods when I have racing thoughts and periods of my mind being totally empty, neither the way I can't seem to focus...a couple days ago I was seated in the sofa for hours staring to the off tv set, with no single thought going through my head...
I am afraid I am getting worse...
I write this alone on my bed; I've poisoned every room in the house; The place is quiet and so alone; Pretend there's something worth waiting for; There's nothing nice in my head The adult world took it all away; Wake up with same spit in my mouth; Cannot tell if it is real or not; I try and walk in a straight line An imitation of dignity- MSP - From despair to Where
I am human and I need to be loved just like everybody else does - The Smiths How Soon is Now
A thousand mile journey starts with the first step
Join Date: Oct 2009
I am currently:
I SI'd again... I don't remember the pain, or me doing it. Just the anger I felt beforehand, and the release I felt after.
I don't know if it was Ayka or not.
I told my therapist... I'm not sure she really understands.
I'm feeling scared, i had a shower, and since the cast has come off my arm, the wounds can get wet, after i was putting another strip of medical tape over the stitches and everything inside my head got so loud, everything i was thinking everything anyone else inside was saying... It felt really frightening, it's so loud i feel like my mind is being attacked...
My arm still hurts to move and lift things, the surgeon said it will take some time to heal because muscles were affected, it's a constant reminder of how out of control we can get and that is scary too...
A thousand mile journey starts with the first step
Join Date: Oct 2009
I am currently:
I understand the shouting bit, sometimes when they all speak at once I feel like my head's going to explode.
I'm guessing the cut was really deep then to affect the muscles... Do you know yet who did it?
Had an ESA medical assesment today... they asked me to "explain" my diagnosises... no matter how hard I tried the nurse could not get her head round it
shadow-light,
Were they psych trained? It is really difficult (and frustrating!) trying to explain these things to people who don't have training or the comprehension.
How are you?
I'm on break from group, feeling pretty crap, but i have T at 4 so that will be helpful.
