Katie - Is the new awareness a positive thing? Hopefully things are becoming clear for you in a good way.
Nicole - Do you know how long you will have to wait to start? Sorry that you are in hospital at the moment. I hope that you are getting the care you need there.
To give the context I've been rather psychotic, paranoia and anxious, more so than usual, deteriorating again the past month. I've gone on some meds and they haven't helped so I went off one of them at the weekend. And right now I'm feeling completely out of it, angry, violent, but I'm just trying to hold it in and not get myself sectioned lol.
The new awareness is positive. More clarity. But at times really uncomfortable. I've always been co-conscious, or thought I was. In that I don't lose any time, technically speaking. But now I'm becoming more co-conscious. Does that even make sense?!
Yeah makes sense. I'm co-conscious most of the time, but to different degrees. It's usually like I'm depersonalised watching an Other from afar, so sometimes I have greater clarity when it's more like we are sharing time rather than I'm just looking on. Sorry that made absolutely no sense, but I know what you mean anyway, and I'm glad that it is a mostly positive improvement. Have you gone back to see your homeopath or are you managing ok without?
just zoning out and acting strange but no one seems to get it and i can't explain it to anybody. i called the counselor again who never calls back cause i'm getting desperate. i'm scared of telling my case manager cause i don't want meds, they do not work and no one believes me.
Frozen,
Sounds hard, and your counselor sounds like a pain!
I hear you don't want meds, but given that the counselor isn't responding do you think it would be worth talking to the case manager just for someone to vent to and who may have some suggestions? Hope you are ok
Nicole,
It's important to realise that everyone has different roles within their personality. Everyone behaves differently when they are with their friends to when they are around teachers or parents. Even more so with mental illness. People put on a happy face to the outside world, that you can even start to believe, but when you are alone you feel like someone else a depressed, lonely and self-harming person. But it is still you, still the same person and the same personality. That is a coping mechanism, but it doesn't mean you have two personalities.
Depersonalization http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Depersonalization and derealization http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Derealization are ways of managing anxiety and distress. Do you know what's causing you this anxiety?
Katie,
Hey :) Good to see you around some more. How are you? Hope things are going alright.
I'm tired, trying to get through my literature text. Not feeling so great and had some bizarre dreams, was camping (without tents) near a big body of water, like a lake near an ocean entrance.... and this big light coloured shape was swimming in the water. When it jumped out i could see it was a whale, then it went back into the water... but when it jumped out again it was a shark but in a cartoon style, and it went from being a cartoon shark to a 'real' shark with blood coming out of the mouth...
That's only a snippet, but it was so strange..
Anyway, back to the text
Take care everyone
I could try to talk to the case manager but I'm horrible at opening up. I can only really open up in a therapy situation cause if I don't i'm sitting there being looked at and I'm expected to and also I'm being asked questions. I don't know why i have such a hard time with everybody else.
We went to te pharmacy to collect meds yesterday, but because Sarah was out ad couldn't remember our address the woman refsed to give them to us so now we are medless
Frozen - Maybe you could write out what you want to say and either give it to the case manager as a letter or read it out? I think it's important that you let someone know what it is going on, and remember you don't have any obligation to take any medication. *Hugs*
Lost Boys/ Ash - Hope you managed ok with the text! Sounds like you are having odd dreams, do you think they mean anything?
Shadow - That must have been annoying with the pharmacy, can you collect them today?
**
I just saw my CPN, I am going to be admitted to the psych ward today.
I'm experiencing my self not as a self, but human shaped clous of smoke, swirling and moving around.. I'm an ear, a leg, a chest. Pulled through a dance. Singing, speaking.. How? This isn't a person. This isn't real. What am i? Am i a who? I feel nothing, but then i feel more like a person, but everything is dulled. I don't know how I am doing these things, walking, speaking. Where are these words coming from? They aren't my words, where are my words?
The blubbering snotty nose kid crying noiselessly in the dark corner. The straight faced youth, who could be a robot- cold distant and emotionless.
The hands pulling, holding, restraining.
The broken glass of my eye piece.. past and present. Who am I? Where am I? Where am in time and place? How do I escape?
And the tingling of blood flow, the restricted feeling. Disappearing and blue. Blue lights? Rattled. My head feels strange. Something inside pushing me aside, pushing past me, drawn out by something or someone... and whatever was beneath me falls away. and I've falled into...where? A darkness that is both too eternal and too limited to measure.
I'm watching, not quite here. But my grasp on this...my presence? is tenuous, as though someone can tear what grip i have at any moment.
I feel unsafe. I feel like I could lose whatever control i have at any minute. I'm in a constant state of disconnection, and a kind of incomplete numbness, and also somehow trying to hold onto this non-grip of non-control i have. It doesn't make any sense. Everything is scattered and disorganized.
This feeling of depersonalization has been going on for a week. In the past it has been a precursor for a dramatic switch. I feel.... I don't even know what i feel. I don't feel good. But I'm not quite depressed either.
Why can't I tell T I don't feel safe?
Is it because I'm afraid of being rejected? I know lots of parts inside are terrified of rejection from T, because she is the only one they think they may be able to trust, who has told them they can trust her, that she will listen, and care and help... What if she doesn't come through for them?
I don't like rejection either, I feel sad and dissapointed, my feelings of rejection then reverberate into the others, who don't know how to handle it.... And invalidation...
I feel like i shouldn't mention it too because I'm not suicidal and I don't want to hurt myself, so it's no big deal.
But i have NO IDEA what is going on inside, except that it does not feel good, stable or safe.. That is my concern....
Sorry for the rant everyone.
I hope you are all OK
I understand the fear of rejection or or your T not being true to her word, but the thing about trust is that you have to take risks to prove that it is there.
Maybe you could tell her a littler of what's going on, to test the water so to speak, and then if she comes through for you all on that then you can tell her the rest?
Getting so sick of headaches... on saturday Jack put his hand through a glass window and there was blood EVERYWHERE... Jenny managed to get him bandaged up ad to hospital though, but then in the waiting room we kept switching over and over and having flashbacks,,, everywhere I looked there was "blood" and kept "seing" the mother on the floor bleeding (she attempted suicide in front of us when the body was 6)... it was awful...
ever since had such an awful headache, constantly :(
I'm back home now, was discharged on Monday. Feel much more positive now and determined to recover.
I am thinking of leaving the forum soon. I want to focus completely on recovery and unfortunately I am easily triggered at the moment. I will always be grateful for the support and kindness I have been given on this forum and I will never forget you all. I'll be around for a few more days though.
Wow, there's someone like out there like me (well, like us)!
I always thought I was just hopelessly insane, making it all up, being dramatic! But there are people like me who don't have multiple personalities, but have a split self (that's what I call Black and White and I).
This is so awesome guys.
Last edited by PaleMoon : 24-03-2010 at 11:26 PM.
Reason: Typo
My name is Matt, and I am a boy. Feel free to PM me :)
I have learned that the world is not a safe place. Not at all. But there are so many people who love me and want to keep me safe. And that is enough.
it's great that you have been discharged :) and that you are so determined to recover :) . We'll miss you, but you need to do what's best for you and your recovery.
Thanks Shadow. I will miss you all too and will be thinking of you all and hoping and praying that you are on the way to recovery. I will still be stopping by every now and then so if anyone would like to stay in contact, or would just like somewhere to get things off their chest, my PM box will be staying open
not quite sure what's wrong... been mostly safe but hardly able to remember stuff, not remembering at all or not remembering well. can have a conversation and not know what we're talking about or not know what i just said. everything is like it's swimming and my head hurts. i know there's been more stress and confusion in my life lately. my behavior has been changing a lot, lately been overly hyper and stuff. it's kinda nice being so social and outgoing but im afraid when i go back to the other ways i am. i don't like those sides of me, they're boring. i just wish everything wasn't so fuzzy. maybe im imagining it all, maybe it's normal to not remember some things. i just feel like something is wrong and i'm not sure what. i just don't want to lose control and look stupid. the doctors did a cat scan for the headaches/dizziness/etc but they said it was fine. i don't know if i should go back cause they don't listen. i mean i know part of it is probably dissociation or whatever, but surely some of this stuff has to be physical. i mean if dissociation was really that much of a problem wouldn't someone have told me so? i've had the dizzy spells and the headaches and other stuff for a long time. maybe something happened to me when i got a concussion. sorry im not sure why im writing this. can't let people see me like this. i want to be confident and outgoing and social, not having memory lapses and not being in control.
![[Fog]'s Avatar](images/avatars/12 - Copy.gif)
so now we are medless
