Contains sexual abuse - I don't know what to do.

[uhh_leah]

I feel awful to be handling this so badly when I don't even know for sure that something happened. But, I've always felt asthough something had and this only added more verification to my feelings. My brothers girlfriend was talking to me about her best friends child who had been being sexually abused. She was describing some of the abnormal things she was doing that lead them to believe the abuse had occurred. I have hardly any memory of my childhood, but the things she listed, I remember doing. After she told me the signs aswell as what she witnessed the little girl doing that I also had done and know had been witnessed by my mum and quite possibly my brother as a child, I feel like slut has been written on my forhead and everyone can see how dirty and horrible I am. What happened? Why can’t I remember? Am I crazy? I’ve always felt so strange, unclean, likes something had happened. I also semi-oftenly get a feeling of being nowhere but like I have a ton of people staring at me, grabbing at me. It's really hard to pull myself out of it and I have a hard time explaining what it's like. What's wrong with me? I don’t want to be alive, I can’t handle this with everything else that's going on. I know it's pathetic but I just really can't handle this right now.

[shadow-light]

I have limited memories of childhood too, I have more than I used to but still limited. I started to suspect that something had happened and was adviced to look for external evidence, so I tracked down people I used to live near, medical records, and that sort of stuff until I got a vauge idea what what might have happned. It's best to look for external evidence rather than trying to force memories though as memories are tricky things but external evidece is what it is. (if that made sense? Sorry sleep deprrived so words are not my friend)

[uhh_leah]

Thank you for the reply. I'll try that, although I think it may be difficult to track anything down.