What do you find different about being an Adult and Self harming?
Its funny because in all the time ive been here i dont think weve ever had a thread specifically about this. It crops up all the time and so i thought perhaps it was time to put down what we find harder, better or just different about being older and belonging to a site like this and Self harming in general.
Heres a few questions that immediately sprang to mind:
So what do you think is different about being older and doing what we do? Is it easier or harder as an adult?
Do you feel different from when you harmed as a teenager to how you do now?
Do you have a different relationship with Self harm as an older person than you used to?
Do you see self harm in general differently from when you were younger?
Is it easier or harder to deal with when you get older?
Have you experienced more or less help as you have gotten older?
Is it easier or harder to get help as we get older?
For some of us, including myself who didnt start harming untiil our adult lives, do you think we are disadvantaged or maybe even have an advantage over the young?
Do you think people who start later in life can understand those who started as children?
Do you think we are different?
Id be really interested to hear what people think? And Yes if you are young and reading this it would be good to hear your view too!
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
I didn't start harming myself in the generally understood sense until I was 27/28. I'm 41 now. The most difficult period was in my early 30s, for depression my mid-late 20s was when things started getting seriously wobbly. I didn't get proper help until I was 32.
What is different for me is that my peers accept me and what I've done. There's none of the whole emo subculture undertone thing. I am respected and taken seriously as an adult who sometimes has a hard time managing difficult feelings.
However, I don't think I could ever tell my parents about self harming, though they know re the depression and anxiety. That's a 'luxury' you have as an adult, especially when the harm created physically is 'minor' and rare.
I have help for my depression and managing relationship, rather than self harm - my episodes of self harm are very time limited and periodic. I have never needed medical treatment for my self harm.
Hi, I don't usually post in vets, but this kind of struck a chord with me, and I hope you all don't mind.
I'm 22, so I guess I'd be classed as still young, but it is already feeling to me as if self harm is something that I should have "grown out" of. I started it all when I was 11, so it's something I've lived with for half my life, and I don't know whether it's that or growing up, leaving uni, getting a job etc that's really changed my views.
What I have found is that my self harm never really used to bother me unless I was really unwell, when I was younger I was really irresponsible with it and I certainly had no control. When I was a teenager I suppose, and it really upsets me to admit it, I used it as a weapon somewhat, if I was in trouble or whatever I'd go down the whole "you can't hate me as much as I hate myself" kind of route. I was horrible.
Now, however I'm finding it a lot harder, I feel that I don't have the justification of "oh, it's my hormones" and I am having to face up to the fact that actually there is something wrong, that actually my SI is a symptom of a mental illness, something that when I was younger I ran scared from. I refused to properly engage with help and I kind of basked in my status of "troubled". I guess I am now also having to live with the consequences of my younger self's actions, there are things that appear on my medical records and CRB that I am really embarassed by.
I also now have more responsibility, I have a job, I've left uni etc etc and that means that I have to be my own person, when I choose to hurt myself I can't blame anyone anymore (not that it is right to blame anyone else) I have to take responsibility and get it sorted. I also have to be a lot more controlled in my actions. No-one really cares if you miss a class or a lecture because you're at A&E, but if you miss half a day at work, or turn up with wounds then you're going to get into bother. I find also that I am a lot more careful about hiding my scars, I don't want people at work to know, and it feels to me like people are becoming used to seeing teenagers with scars, but when you're 20+ it's not accepted and it freaks people out.
As for getting help, I wish I'd done it earlier, I really do, but I wasn't ready when the help was initially offered. I have actually had better support as I've got older because I've tried to engage with it and to let myself be helped. However, again getting the help is hard to fit in amongst the other commitments I now have.
I'm sorry for the essay, but what I'm trying to say is that I find my self harm much harder to deal with now, because it's much more controlled and because I have to recognise it as not just a phase. I'm still learning how to be with myself and accept what I have done, but it does worry me that every time I self harm now it's something I've been doing longer than not, and that makes me think that if I can't quit now I'll end up harming for the rest of my life, which is scary.
"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Make us all feel wonderful. We'll never forget."
For me, it's kind of like I don't have an excuse to self harm anymore. Now I'm older.
When I was younger it was more something that I did and could almost justify by being young and stupid. I self harmed a lot more often when I was younger (at its most regular when I was 15-17) and would do the whole stereotypical straight lines, words, criss crosses and basically trash my arms, but it was rarely deep enough to scar.
Although I do it less often now, and only ever do one or two cuts or burns at a time, they are usually deeper/more severe and more likely to scar.
Like above, I feel I have much more control over my actions now. And I have had to grow up and accept that self harm is a choice. Its not something I HAVE to do, or something I NEED to do, whereas when I was younger it was probably more that I felt "so and so made me self harm", or at least that I felt it was something I needed to do and I had no choice over.
One thing that scares me a bit is how normal self harm seems to me. It's something I have been doing for a long time, and when I make the decision to hurt myself its not something I hestitate over, it just feels natural. And it's hard for me to understand that its not a normal thing to do. I kind of assume when people suffer from depression or any mental health problem that they will self harm too, and I find it hard to realise that many people can be severely depressed and perhaps even having suicidal thoughts and still never consider self harm as an outlet.
I've been thinking a lot lately that now I'm older I should stop completely. Friends who self harmed as teenagers have all long stopped now we've reached our 20's. But at the same time part of me thinks I might carry on forever because it really doesn't have as much of an impact on my life now as it did when I was a teenager. Then I was cutting often, and so was constantly worrying about hiding the marks, and I was living with parents and thinking about self harm almost all the time and it really was a taking over my life. Now its more like an occasional indulgence and I go days without really needing to self harm at all, it doesn't control me the way it once did, so it seems less of a problem in many ways and I find it hard to justify why I should give up, except for other people and the way it is frowned upon by society.
First off, I have been mostly "free" of the major forms of SI for almost 4 years now. I still occasionally do smaller forms of self abuse but no cuts or burns. I still have urges for those things quite often though.
I didn't start until I was 21, so I didn't know what it was like to be in high school and have the guidance counciler bring me in with my parents and all that drama. I do think that I had the advantage by not starting younger in that I was able to think about consequences better before the harming. That is why my arms are clear and I only have minor scars that my watch covers. I work at a research lab that deals with security clearances, and I do machining there and cannot wear long sleeves or jewelry. I love my job, but if they knew that part about me, I probably wouldn't be able to work there as I am required to hold a security clearance. (they deny people security clearances because of bad credit scores saying if they cant manage their finances, they cannot be trusted with sensitive information... I think them knowing about my self injury history and the inability to manage feelings in a healthy manner is a little worse than a bad credit score) It seems to me that I had more urges to cut my arms than anywhere else, but I directed it to other places. I may not have had that control as a youth.
I still feel awkward going to a mostly teenage girl website (RYL) seeing as I am an adult man. Thats why I mostly hang out in the vets area when I am able to take myself away from work/uni/family. I don't know how different we are as adults starting the SI later in life, I did have bouts of hitting myself or scratching and such when i was younger. When I found out in high school that one of my best friends was doing it I didn't know how to react because it was such a foreign idea to me. I understand what he was going through now, but am afraid to talk to him because i know he can't keep secrets. I think we can understand those who are children, but I do not know how to help them, and they may feel that we don't understand them.
dunno,
-brian
'in the quiet heart is hidden, sorrow that the eye can't see'
So what do you think is different about being older and doing what we do? Is it easier or harder as an adult?
Easier for practicalities ie. buying supplies, taking onself to the doctor. Harder emotionally and socially.
Do you feel different from when you harmed as a teenager to how you do now?
Yes and no, it depends. I feel more like a failure now and felt more raw emotion and despair then. Now mainly I feel tired.
Do you have a different relationship with Self harm as an older person than you used to?
Back then it was a release, but very taboo and something very embarrassing. Now it's like an old friend/enemy.
Do you see self harm in general differently from when you were younger?
Yes, back then I was the only person I knew who did it. Now it's a whole culture thing and well-known among young people.
Is it easier or harder to deal with when you get older?
Easier physically. I'm not sure about the rest.
Have you experienced more or less help as you have gotten older?
Less.
Is it easier or harder to get help as we get older?
Harder if you live somewhere where counselling etc is not free and you don't have a school counsellor any more.
For some of us, including myself who didnt start harming untiil our adult lives, do you think we are disadvantaged or maybe even have an advantage over the young?
Don't know as I started at 13.
Do you think people who start later in life can understand those who started as children?
Depends on the reasons for the children starting. Emotions, pain, depression, desperation, yes. Attention, no.
Do you think we are different?
Yes.
Even as the stone of the fruit must break
that its heart may stand in the sun,
so must you know pain.
There are only two ways in which one can live their life. One is as though nothing is a miracle, the other is as though everything is.
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
So what do you think is different about being older and doing what we do?
Adults tend to think differently about what they are doing, I think. Especially for those who start self-harming in adulthood. I think they tend to take a more mature attitude to things, or a more responsible attitude. At least in terms of knowing that no one else is to blame for what they do.
Is it easier or harder as an adult?
What with work and stuff, it's probably harder as an adult for their self-harm to be socially accepted. It's a 'teenage thing' typically.
For some of us, including myself who didnt start harming untiil our adult lives, do you think we are disadvantaged or maybe even have an advantage over the young?
An advantage. See first answer. Although I was doing other destructive things as a child (eating disorder), I never actually self-harmed in the usual sense until I was nineteen. Yes, it's still young, but definitely late in starting.
Do you think we are different?
Not really. Our reasons for harming are probably different, and our attitudes towards things are probably different. But at the base level we are all people who self-harm.
I'm 22, so again probably still quite young, but I've self-harmed since I was 13 and I feel very different doing it now to doing it as a teenager.
I think it can be both easier and harder doing it as an adult in some ways. As a teenager I think it's seen as more 'normal' (or not 'normal' as such, but a lot of people will accept it as a 'phase' that some teenagers go through), there's the justification of growing up, hormones, pressures of school, friends, relationships etc.
But in another way it can make it more difficult to actually get help as a teenager because they're reluctant to diagnose you, there's the attitude that 'you're too young to feel like that', etc. In other ways though, it's more difficult to receive help as an adult for fear of the consequences. When you're young things like medical records, occupational health, sickness and benefits, CRB checks etc don't really come into your thoughts. I'd be more wary of asking for help these days for fear that it would affect certain jobs.
You have a lot more responsibility generally as an adult. When you're young and self-harming the adults in your life will often take control from you, whether that's hiding 'tools', arranging help and appointments, talking to you, etc. As an adult it's my responsibility to do that. I find that easier because it is responsibility, and getting help won't be effective unless I do it for my own reasons, not just to make other people happy. As an adult, unless I ask for help and use that help, no one's going to make me do anything - unless you go down the road where you're too unwell to make those decisions, and that's not a route I'd like to take again.
There's a sense of feeling 'too old' to do it, definitely. I feel like I should have 'grown out of it' and it embarrasses me sometimes, because it makes me feel like a little kid, because I know I can't cope with emotions. So in that sense it's difficult to be an adult who self-harms. As a young person who self-harmed I could almost get away with the justification that lots of teenagers do it. As an adult I have to accept that it's not normal and it's a sign that something is wrong.
Personally, for me I find it far easier to deal with my self-harm as an adult than I did as a teenager. I'm not sure if it's because of being older now, or whether it's just part of 'recovering', but I feel far more distanced from self-harm now. When I was 15 I'd self-harmed for 2 years in secret and it became my life, I felt like I 'needed' to do it every day and then when everyone found out there was a lot of talking, lots of analysing, etc etc.
Now that I'm an adult I think I cope with it a lot more maturely. It's not my life, it's just a very small part of my life. I still self-harm occasionally now but it's my choice to do that and it's not the end of the world. It's not a good thing to do, but if I do it I'm far more able to just accept it, move on and put it behind me, hopefully learning from that the next time I feel that way. If I self-harm as an adult there's less need to worry about what parents or friends will think - I'll still try to hide it, but if they find out they know that I can deal with it and will talk to someone if I need to. But as I said, I'm not sure if that's 'being older' or just moving through self-harm and distancing myself from it so much (either way, it's a much better feeling!)
It was only a couple of years ago at the age of 29 that I started self harming. I do sometimes feel like a bit of a freak because I started late in life. I sometimes feel really critical towards myself at times too; I'll sometimes think to myself that as an adult I should be able to think of better ways to deal with things.
I don't think the friends I had when I was a teenager would have been anywhere near as understanding of and sympathetic towards SH as the friends I have now are so in that sense I'm better off. Plus when I told my parents about it my Mum commented (Not in a nasty way.) that they've been through more stressfull things than me. I reckon my parents would have made a lot more comments like that if I'd started self harming as a child.
I'm more aware of the long term consequences of my actions as an adult than I was as a child and as a result I personally have found it somewhat easier to resist the urges. If I'd started self harming as a teenager I'd have probably allowed it to define who I am if that makes sense. As an adult I appreciate the fact it is nothing more than one part of who I am, not the whole of who I am.
I've been self harming on and off for the past 11 years, that has included my teens and 20's.
My attitude to harming has changed massively. It almost has its own timeline depending on what has gone on in my life.
When i was young it was used mostly as an angry reaction to normal events in my life. It was hidden from everyone and was very low level. Although i'd had a number of symptoms of MH problems for a while by then i think it was a lot related to teenage angst too, just not knowing what the hell was going on in my head.
In my early 20's it became more of a way to cope with the emerging MH problems. I'm a little ashamed to say it was probably also a way of me expressing to others how i was feeling, especially to friends who i didn't feel able to talk to directly. I was still fairly niave and young minded i guess. I was also pretty selfish and didn't really consider others in this.
In late 20's it became something completely different though. It was a way in which i could cope with the massively overwhelming feelings and thoughts i had. I know now my MH is a lot worse than it used to be and sometimes its literally gotten me through the day. I think a lot more about it now before it happens, i'm no longer impulsive (unless it happens when i dont remember). I know its gotten a lot more severe alongside though and now i really dont ever seek treatment unless forced whereas when i was younger i would get freaked out easily and go to the gp quite often about it. I guess i've regressed a bit really because i do hide it a lot more but then i have a lot more to hide with regards to scars etc.
Saying all this i havent harmed in around 6/7 months at the minute so i guess i'm able to control it more now i'm older. Since i think about it a lot before doing it i can usually talk myself out of it or distract myself until i'm no longer alone.
I am very ashamed of it all now though which i dont think i was when i was younger.
So what do you think is different about being older and doing what we do?
Adults tend to think differently about what they are doing, I think. Especially for those who start self-harming in adulthood. I think they tend to take a more mature attitude to things, or a more responsible attitude. At least in terms of knowing that no one else is to blame for what they do.
I wasnt going to reply to this but I want to.
There is nearly always in my case someone to blame for what I do/did do, It nearly always happens when someones upset me. mainly family
me and mum had an argument which made me cut.
so in other words my parents ended up making me cut.
But i'm not one to shout YOUR THE ONE WHO MAKES ME CUT.
But I do think there is nearly always someone to blame to make someone cut whether its
parents/bullies/abuse.
I dunno if i've worded myself right but it made sense in my head.
So what do you think is different about being older and doing what we do? Is it easier or harder as an adult?
I’m not sure… though people don’t seem to accept it so much, I get a lot of people saying stuff like “but you’re not a teenager anymore, what are you doing?”
Do you feel different from when you harmed as a teenager to how you do now?
Kind of, I feel like I have less of an excuse now, and that I am just being pathetic by still doing it… I should be “over” this by now type thing
Do you have a different relationship with Self harm as an older person than you used to?
Back then it was like the only way I knew to cope with anything and everything, it felt that if I didn’t do it I would literally die… now I know how I am meant to cope, but half the time can’t make myself do the healthy things and instead end up harming
Do you see self harm in general differently from when you were younger?
When I first started I didn’t even know what it was, in fact I started before I can even remember… Then some child psych told me that others did it too but I didn’t believe him… I was 17 before I ever actually met anyone who did it, and probably about 20 before I saw anything about it in any media sources, but now it feels asif everyone knows what it is…
Not sure if I really view it differently myself though, at times I feel more ashamed about it than I used to, but on the other hand I don’t go through the same level of effort to hide it as I did now. SO not sure how I feel about it
Is it easier or harder to deal with when you get older?
Bit of each… harder in some ways, easier in others
Have you experienced more or less help as you have gotten older?
Not sure… saw a psych when I was 10, then nothing until I was 16 til I was 17, then again nothing till I was 19 till I was 22 and then nothing since.
Is it easier or harder to get help as we get older?
In a way for me it was easier as I no longer had my parents as an obstacle and I moved to a less rural place
For some of us, including myself who didnt start harming untiil our adult lives, do you think we are disadvantaged or maybe even have an advantage over the young?
I started as a child so not sure I can answer that
Do you think people who start later in life can understand those who started as children?
I guess that although the behaviour has links the reasoning behind it may vary greatly so I am not sure
Do you think we are different?
Everyone who harms is different, we share a common coping mechanism but not always common reasons/feelings/experiences…
There is nearly always in my case someone to blame for what I do/did do, It nearly always happens when someones upset me. mainly family
me and mum had an argument which made me cut.
so in other words my parents ended up making me cut.
But i'm not one to shout YOUR THE ONE WHO MAKES ME CUT.
But I do think there is nearly always someone to blame to make someone cut whether its
parents/bullies/abuse.
I dunno if i've worded myself right but it made sense in my head.
No one there made you cut. You chose to do that to yourself. They might have upset you, but they certainly didn't cut you. That was your own choice, your own action.
No, they contributed towards you being upset. How you handle that being upset is entirely up to you. You are the one who makes the choice to hurt yourself, no one. You are the one who lifts the blade and you are the one who cuts your own body. Throughout that process you have several opportunities to choose not to do it.
Frankly, you need to accept that it it ultimately your decision to do it. Shifting the blame onto someone else isn't taking responsibility for yourself, your feelings or your own actions.
Loz, I'm sorry, but I really do think that no-one else is to blame but the individual for their self harm.
This story makes me sound really awful, but I hope it proves my point... When I was about 16 I was supposed to be going for a weekend away with my family, but I lost something and got really angry so I was behaving horribly. My mum told me to just get in the car and we'd sort it out when we got back. I wouldn't, and after several chances she got in the car and drove off and went on the weekend without me. I was super upset and ended up taking a massive overdose.
For years, literally years I blamed my mum for leaving me, in fact I think that part of me OD'd just to get back at her. However (and this is again something that's come as I got older) I now realise that it takes two people to cause an argument, that both sides feel crappy after fighting, but that only I chose to OD. It was my responsibility. I had the opportunity to act in a rational manner, but I CHOSE not to.
So yeah, in a round about way, growing older really has made me realise that my self harm is my responsibility and mine alone. Although I know (after years of trying) that I can't recover on my own, I know that I also can't blame anyone else for my unhealthy coping mechanisms.
"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Make us all feel wonderful. We'll never forget."
Frankly, you need to accept that it it ultimately your decision to do it. Shifting the blame onto someone else isn't taking responsibility for yourself, your feelings or your own actions.
Yes and I think this is one of the reasons why it's harder as you get older, because you realise this and have to start taking that responsibility.
Even as the stone of the fruit must break
that its heart may stand in the sun,
so must you know pain.
There are only two ways in which one can live their life. One is as though nothing is a miracle, the other is as though everything is.
When I was younger I used to feel like I HAD to self harm. And it would be because someone upset me so I did in a way feel it was their fault.
Its only as I've got older that I've realised I need to take that responsibility. I still get angry or upset when I have an argument with somebody. But I don't HAVE to cut, if I choose to self harm then thats because its my way of coping with feeling angy and upset, and not the fault of anyone else. It's hard. I still instinctively want to think "so and so made me cut" and its a conscious effort sometimes to remind myself that no-one makes me do it.
But taking responsibility has helped me drastically reduce my self harm because I have to admit that its a choice, and more often than not I don't want to appear childish or attention seeking (to myself) by self harming because of what someone said to me.
Plus when I argue with my boy he kind of expects me to self harm and it gives me a kind of satisfaction to be able to say, look I was upset but I didn't hurt myself.
Quote:
I now realise that it takes two people to cause an argument, that both sides feel crappy after fighting, but that only I chose to OD. It was my responsibility. I had the opportunity to act in a rational manner, but I CHOSE not to.
Completely agree with this. Both people feel rubbish after an argument. Everyone hates feeling upset, or angry. But not everyone chooses to self harm.
I wish I had seeked help as a teenager for this problem, but back then I was too scared. I think being an adult has helped me ask for help, not having to exlain to family, having that bit more confidence, and the realisation that this is not a good way to live and I am ruining my skin. Now I am 29 and I'm getting help, but deep down I worry that I'm too set in my ways to change.
'in the quiet heart is hidden, sorrow that the eye can't see'
