Hi, I need some help... When I was 16 I started going out with a guy who was a few years older than me. I was a Christian but he wasn't. I always told him that I wanted to save sex for marriage and he knew my faith was really important to me. For the first six months our relationship seemed okay, but one night we were together and he raped me. I was so scared that I didn't say no because he didn't ask me. I didn't realise it was rape until a year ago when I emailed my old counsellor about it (she specialised in working with young women who have been sexually exploited) and she told me it was rape. I emailed her about it because I had been struggling with flashbacks, nightmares and panic attacks especially when I got close to my current boyfriend. Since then I've felt so confused and just not had any idea about how to deal with it. I've not been able to talk about it in CBT either. I'm looking for help because I'm feeling more anxious again at the moment and struggling again with flashbacks and panic attacks when I'm alone particularly, but also because since my boyfriend has proposed I'm terrified about having sex when we are married. Sometimes when he just comes to kiss me I get scared and panic and he has to stop. I don't want this to ruin our marriage, I want to overcome it but I don't know how and I don't have anyone I can talk to about it. I'm scared and I don't know what to do. Last night I had nightmares again and woke up having a panic attack. x
'I love you, O Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, in whom I take refuge, my sheild and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.'
Psalm 18:1-2
i hope your okay.
im not really in a good place to have advice on this at the moment, but i would say that if you trust him and he loves you then you wont have to do anything till you are ready. not everyone is a bad person :) and congratualtions on him proposing! take care
Are you having counselling at the moment? Does your current partner know about this?
You're very brave to have posted this, and I hope that this helps you to move forward and get the support you need so that you don't have to be haunted by this any longer.
I had nightmares about my dad for years too, so I know how awful this is for you and my thoughts are with you. It seems like your current boyfriend really loves you and is trying to understand what you're going through too. If he's the right one for you he'll give you as much time as you need to heal from this and give you the support you need. Give yourself time too, it's not easy.
“"If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see?"
I struggle with flashbacks a lot myself, so I know how difficult they can be. My advice would be to try to stay away frm triggers (obviously that doesnt mean avoid your boyfriend or anything, but other stuff that you can stay away frm). Also, I read that carrying something with you can help, because wen you have a flashback you can hold it and still keep something with you and it can help you stay focused and in reality and everything. Being close with your boyfriend, having sex wen you're married, intimacy, etc., it's gonna take a while, as you'd expect, but just remember to communicate with him and try to be open and let him understand and support you through it. Little by little you'll feel more comfortable and you'll find it easier to deal with. Also, like someone else said...you just need time. Time helps a LOT, especially with things that just cant go away except with time.
Thank you so much for all your support and advice. Yes, my fiancé knows about my past and he is very supportive but I haven't talked to him about it in detail. He knows I have flashbacks and panic quite regularly when he touches me or kisses me. I'm having therapy at the moment but I can't talk aloud about the incident so I don't know how I will ever overcome it.
xxx
'I love you, O Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, in whom I take refuge, my sheild and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.'
Psalm 18:1-2
Sounds like your fiance is great, I'm so glad that he is supportive and understanding. Are you able to talk to him about it?
Good to hear that you are having therapy. It's scary to open up and talk about stuff. Do you want to talk about it? Maybe you could try writing it down to introduce it into the session without having to say it?
