A thousand mile journey starts with the first step
Join Date: Oct 2009
I am currently:
Kathryn's Mum was saying about how she (kathryn) looked really different in certain photos and was like, it must be one of your alter egos. And I can't quite remember, think I was coming out and someone else was coming in, but she said she'd love all of us. Even if Kathryn switched in we'd still be Kathryn to her. Don't know what she was banging on about, I'm indifferent to it, but others seem to be pleased.
I started doing exercise, I'm tired of the body being fat and Kathryn actually started crying half way through. Not sure why, we were doing a fitness DVD so there were 4 toned perfect girls dancing about and think Kathryn musta got upset about it.
Sadie, I'm guessing there was a memory attached as well. I don't know if any of you have seen it, but she started crying at the bit where the Lady gets rejected by the family cos they want a baby, and when Lady goes to the pound and all those puppies are crying. She got so emotional.
I don't really smoke, but Kathryn does it to block out everything and Crystal eggs her on, cos then Crystal can do whatever she likes cos we're all incapacitated.
A thousand mile journey starts with the first step
Join Date: Oct 2009
I am currently:
Know how you feel Izzie, I don't have DID but more a fragmented personality. Feels like there's so much about me that I don't know and don't understand... So how can I expect other people to really know and understand me?
things getting harder
cant explain
little sleep. its just not allowed
bad times approaching- its going to happen... every year its like this
tears all the time. they're not supposed to but they come so damn frequently
people not coping. those for me and lost. those against me are relishing in what is to come. sp*n. off they go. always and always the same. it just can't change. this is how i was made. for a purpose. for a particular need. people say thats lies but it isn't. my creation was for a sole purpose. i am currently not fulfiling. i should. then things would be better. easier?
no idea
head breaking, pounding, sp*n. around around
all the time
tears
years
times
crimes
numbers
fun
they hate me
more than like
only a few
small ones screaming inside and in memories. madness, sadness SP*N
around around
its crazy bad mad
no words. none real anyway
nothing decribes this... not that i could if it did.
breaking broken broke. all gone and tears again
stupid ****ing soggy salt
Titch - Hope you are safe and that you are able to introduce yourself to big Jo soon :-]
Jo - Hope you're ok.
Hazel - I'm not sure about integration, as it hasn't ever happened to me (yet). There's been times when I thought someone had integrated but it turned out they were just hiding and popped out a few months later! Hope you're doing ok.
Luke - You don't need to apologise, it's always good to hear your/ your system's news :-] I'm glad to hear how stable the system is at the moment. We have the same problem about the host being a bit of a control freak and not even letting us speak to our T. She's always afraid people will think she's a fake or a freak and she gets embarrassed about it. Which is weird since we come out all the time, so not sure why it would make such a big difference for us to say who it is that is out! Anyway, I don't think it is a personal slight or an insult, I suppose it's just a case of building up trust within the system. Maybe you could write your T a letter and get Jen to give it to the T?
Jocelyn - Thanks for sharing and for telling us about the event. It sounds really great! It must have been wonderful just to be in an accepting place. We had been trying to find a DID/ DDNOS community for ages but struggled to find anything in the UK, so we will definitely try to get to the next event! Hope you and Emma are doing ok. Thinking of you :-]
Ayka - It sounds like Kathryn's mum is being accepting and trying to show you that she loves you, even though I know she hasn't been able to offer you guys much support. Hope you are all doing ok today.
Izzie - Really know the feeling. Here if you ever need to talk.
Becci - I really hope that you are safe. Do you have a therapist to talk to about all this? Sending you our support and a listening ear if you ever want one.
Sarah - Hope you guys are ok.
**
Had a day of extremes yesterday. I used to play flute to a professional level but psychosomatic stuff f*cked it up basically and I haven't been able to play for five years because the pain is too bad. I decided to try it again, since I am no longer in a relationship with the abuser. The last couple of days I've been playing briefly several times a day. The pain is still very bad but I'm going to give it a proper go. The joy I feel from playing is so profound and it feels like I have found a very large piece of me that has been missing. In the evening I struggled and was very paranoid. Triggered by a comedy programme with something horrid in it and by other people dieting. Had lots of bad dreams in the night but feel a little better this morning. Got lots to do for therapy prep. Hope everyone has a good day.
Hi Everyone. I am new here. I don't think I have paras but I definitely dissociate. I've been to two weddings in two days and in both cases, I pulled out/away, watched myself because the feelings I was having were too intense; I couldn't stay with them. I hate the way it feels; I am some kind of zombie. It is weird, because I am a teacher and actress and in both cases I can always call myself forth to be present. I have never dissociated in these places. And it seems that if I can be present on cue, there must be a way to do it all the time...but I haven't figured it out. I also have complex PTSD with numerous traumas along the way. Bulimic, a self-injurer...somehow self-punishing is either helping me dissociate or helping me integrate. I can't figure out which. Does anyone else notice this? I am seemingly very successful on the outside but I feel like I am falling apart on the inside. I feel like the falling apart is coming more and more to the surface everyday. It is probably because "falling apart" means being truly alive, and I guess I am working on that in therapy. My insurance company is pulling back on my therapy and I am sort of freaking out. I feel like the safety net beneath me is dissolving.
I don't know, really, why I am writing, except to so hi and introduce myself. Hi.
at some point this morning my hair seemingly was cut... it's an awful mess now :( own fault really - I was moaning yesterday that I needed a haircut but couldn';t afford to go to a hairdressers. But ye, it's now really short, and to be honest a bit "boyish" (I generally do not see clothing or hairstyles as male or female but it's just the best way I can think of to describe it). Also got an AWFUL headache, almost migrane level... whenever I stand up everything spins and I feel sick, and whenever I try to walk anywhere it's like walking through a fog, everything is fuzzy and doens;t feel quite there (if that makes sense?). Seemingly though as long as I sit still in a darkened rom it's not too bad. So currently sat with the lights off on bed with laptop
Aww Hazel, so sorry about your hair but remember it grows back eh? Clover, one of my alters, cut my hair off a couple of weeks ago and I'm still getting used to it.
Are you able to tie it up at all?
Those headaches sound awful. Having you been switching a lot do you know? Could that be the cause?
-----------------------
We've been doing okay. Theadora got particually worked up during my counselling session and started screaming in my head. I got a bit panicky until I heard two calm voices saying 'This is Emily & Penny, Don't panic. We've got it under control'.
Is it strange that I can see and hear my alters in my head? Do any of you guys get that too?
"A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell 'em for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin'
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin'"
I can hear some of them, and I kind of know what they look like even though i cannot dirrectly see them. Apparently inside they have a house which they live in and they can all see and interact with one another, though i can't see this so just going off what i've seen written and what other people have been told by them
hair is far too short to tie up... longest bit is probably about 3 inches long :/
headache is a little better now, but now feel really sick. Not sure if it's all dissociative related (get a lot of headaches that seem connected with it) or if actually getting some sort of illness type thing (hate illnesses)
Hazel - It could be stress related? Do painkillers help at all? I know I get super bad headaches when I'm stressed and you have such a lot going on for you at the moment x
painkillers are doing nothing... I'm thinking it might be a stress type thing too, but hoping it's not as there would be nothing I could do about it and don't want to feel like this for too long
See a bright light in my eyes and it hurts, it makes me want to cry.
I know he's coming back for me but I don't know when.
He said he loved me and he wouldn't leave but then he did.
Denise, the nice lady, says he was a bad man and he shouldn't have done those things to such a young child. That children need to be loved in a safe way and cared for and shouldn't be used for sex.
"A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell 'em for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin'
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin'"
titch- sex is suppossed to be something very special and filled with love between a grown man and woman. it is very bad when it is done with a child involved.
Shadow light- so sorry about your hair but well it will grow back=/
Emma- responding to both your posts since no one signs their name (i dont know how to address them) glad you are doing ok was worried about you for a while.. and we can see and hear eachother inside too.. i seem to be able to see and hear more than hiding and sarah tho dunno why..
to the little type post- yes it is true.. he was a bad man he shouldnt ever do those grown up things to a child. *safe hugs from us all*
___________
As for us.. we are ok I guess.. im always somewhat panicky feeling about having flashbacks.. yeah ive only technically had two but one lingered and yeah well it really sucks and is scarey even for me.
hiding isnt out much anymore except at work which bothers her a bit. she wrote today in her journal about how she isnt sure where she goes .. and that she has been trying to find the fairie lake according to our drawings of where it is but she cant find it.. all she can seem to find inside is the closet and she doesnt wanna be near that thing.
sleep has been strange for us.. we feel like we sleep sometimes and other times we dont. we have an alarm set for 3am for one of our meds since we have to take it 2 times a day and it makes us sleepy. well we woke up and went to get the bottle to take it and mike woke up and said we already took it earlier so looked at the time and it was 6am.. dont remember us taking it at 3 tho..
idk.. SADIE
Last edited by hidingme : 11-10-2010 at 11:42 PM.
Reason: adding info
Katherine - Welcome to the thread, and thank you for sharing a bit of your story. It sounds like dissociating is very distressing for you when you are used to having control over your emotional state when you teach and act. Do you have any therapy? Here for you any time you need to talk.
Hazel - Sorry about your hair, but it will grow back quickly, and short hair is funky! Hope your headache has faded.
Emma - We hear each other all the time, constant cacophony inside of talking and crying and screaming. Sometimes it's clearer, like when someone is closer to the front or sharing up front, sometimes it's distant and indistinct. I don't really see them in the same way as I see hallucinations but I do know what some of them look like and I know how they/ I look when they are out. But it's different for everyone. Hope you're doing ok, thinking of you.
CherryTree - Children should be loved as children, sex should not be in their lives. The man really was a bad man. Why do you think he's coming back? *Offers hot chocolate* Hope you're ok.
Titch - Hope you are all ok today.
Sadie - Flashbacks are really scary, and I'm sorry that they are lingering and haunting you. It's good that you guys have a clear idea of your internal landscape, that must help. Maybe with your meds you could write on the days onto the packet so you know when you've taken each one? We have to take a lot of meds so we label them all otherwise it all goes wrong! Hope that you're all ok.
**
I did a lot of journalling yesterday which helped to make things a bit clearer inside. Today we have therapy. In therapy we are working through all my writings about the abuser. I know what's going to be coming up today :-[ I've got a terrible headache this morning, it hurts to move.
A thousand mile journey starts with the first step
Join Date: Oct 2009
I am currently:
Hey, hope everyone's doing okay. I'll do individual replies later, it's just that I'm at my work placement right now and I don't want to be caught doing something I shouldn't.
I keep feeling not myself. Not that I really know who I am, but different to what I'm used to feeling. All disconnected, and as though I'm not really controlling what I'm doing anymore.
I know how you feel Hazel, a couple of months ago I let my cousin (the one who sexually abused me) cut my hair. She did it too short, and I cried for days. It will grow back though, luckily for me my hair grows kinda fast. She came round the other day, when I wasn't in, thank god.
Fraction- yup it super sucks we do ok with meds.. we dont forget cause well hubby takes his when we do and then the one we take at 3am we have an alarm set for.
but thanks. how are you?
kathryn- hey sorry youre feeling so strange.perhaps it s just deprersonlization. yikes about your cousin..glad you weren't there when she came by. hang in there.
made my own FB just for me..lol hiding isnt thrilled but oh well..
think someone is hacking our friend's yahoo account.. seems like it.. esp cause the wont answer my freaking questions.
omg my 13 yo daughter passed out today at choir practice .. its the 2nd time since august that shes passed out. dad tested her blood sugar agian and agian its fine in the low 90s. says she has a headache on the right side of her head which is where yshe usually has headaches when dizzy.
last time she passed out i took her to dr they wanted me to take her for a CT to check for seizures but i cant afford the $375 deductable that my ex.. the emotionally abusive bastard.. hasnt bothered to pay towards.
this is really scaring me.. my dad thinks its hormones.. but i never freakin passed out ever in my life thus far!! i dont think its normal. she says she feels fine now but my anxiety is thru the roof.. and just like the first time chaos went on inside when we found out.. sarah was crying screaming that aly is gonna die and sadie screaming at her to stfu and not to worry me more.
i dont know what the hell to do.. i just want my baby girl to be ok.. i swear to god if anything happens to her i will just die.
at some point this morning my hair seemingly was cut... it's an awful mess now :( own fault really - I was moaning yesterday that I needed a haircut but couldn';t afford to go to a hairdressers. But ye, it's now really short, and to be honest a bit "boyish" (I generally do not see clothing or hairstyles as male or female but it's just the best way I can think of to describe it). Also got an AWFUL headache, almost migrane level... whenever I stand up everything spins and I feel sick, and whenever I try to walk anywhere it's like walking through a fog, everything is fuzzy and doens;t feel quite there (if that makes sense?). Seemingly though as long as I sit still in a darkened rom it's not too bad. So currently sat with the lights off on bed with laptop
