Websters Dictionary defines a Bully as: "a person who hurts, frightens, threatens, or tyrannizes over those who are smaller or weaker."
Do you agree with this?
Do you think that a bully is someone who is fighting in defense? What about the guy who fights back against the bully? Is he a bully too? If he fights back and "wins" ... and therefore becomes stronger...is he now a bully?
I wanted to ask this in this forum, because it seems to me there are a lot of people here with experiences with violence and harrassment. It also seems like it needs discussing.
I think a bully is the one who throws the first stone. I also think bullies are often relentless because they are elevating themselves by picking on others. When your reward for a behavior is self-esteem, you need to keep that up .... But here it gets into that grey area again...because my reward for fighting back is also elevated self-esteem...
wow that it a complicated question... I have no idea, never really thought about it but I think that anyone who hurts someone else has a reason for it, there is always a reason behind the act: be is self-esteme, defence, that they have been hurt in the past, etc.
I am going to have to give this some throught and then come back to it I think
My belief is that there are people who bully. Labelling someone only as a bully can be counter-productive, as can labelling a victim as a victim. There is more to all of us than that. [Even those 'career bullies'....]
So what we need to look at is bullying behaviour, rather than a bully.
The defensive mind doesn't learn or think though, it just acts. That's how the primitive part of the mind is.
It's different with calculated bullying though, probably.
But of course the ideal is taking personal responsibility in any case. And this rests on having the right kind of support, and having an environment e.g. in schools, where bullying is got on top of before things escalate where it gets out of hand.
Do you think that a bully is someone who is fighting in defense? What about the guy who fights back against the bully? Is he a bully too? If he fights back and "wins" ... and therefore becomes stronger...is he now a bully?
I think that the person who has fought back and "won" would only become a bully if he began treating others as he had been treated. In itself, fighting back, getting it to stop, and then going back to your normal life does not constitute bullying in my mind.
I hate both the words 'bully' or 'victim' and, personally, steer clear of them wherever possible.
I don't generally like being defined or put into categories and, as each situation is so very different, I don't totally see how we can.
In my cases:
They have taken advantage of another person who they perceive as "weaker" than them. They force that other person that they actually are weaker than them. They humiliate and mock, and try to hurt the person in any way possible. They can see how much they hurt the other person and yet that makes them violate all the more (which is why, whilst I'll agree there is something going on for the bully, I don't have a tremendous amount of time for them...).
I can't help but feel that it's ridiculous that I am being attacked for using the word "Bully" in the Bullying Forum. But I get it...that's what I complained about earlier... too much sex in the sexual abuse forum....Point taken. I've already apologized for that...I don't know what else anyone expects of me...except maybe to just leave and not come back?
To address the point about schools... when they are suppose to step in...identify what's going on... they are labelling somebody a bully...and somebody a victim of that bullying. They can't possibly move forward until they identify a person doing the "wrong" and the person who is victim of that "wrong". I'm sorry the word bully is so upsetting...but I certainly didn't create that term. As Shine said "For lack of a better term"...I use it. And yes, I use it to describe the people that have hurt me. God forbid. What's funny to me is - do you think my bully refers to me as "his victim"? A poor mentally ill woman? He doesn't...because to him I am scum of the earth. When he gossips about me... He does not have any sympathic or enlightening things to say about me. He says all the worst things that he can think about to say about me to persuade others to bully me too... Yet you're trying to tell me that I shouldn't call him a "bully"?
To address the victim in the bully... I'd like to tell a story... I used to do volunteer work in a prison. I can assure you that all our prisons are full to the brim with mentally ill people and people who have suffered. But they are also full of people who couldn't control their urge to hurt other people. Victims or not...somewhere along the line, their inability to work out their problems and find a productive way to cope with their own emotions has lead them to physically harm people...even kill them. Some people just robbed other people ..and some people only slandered someone... but either way, the law saw them as a threat to functioning society... and they ended up in jail.
If there is anything that I understand well... it's the rage and apathy that can develop inside a human who is faced with a hard life. But why is it then, that not all people with a hard life and horrible struggle decide/ CHOOSE to hurt other/innocent people?
There are lots of words for people who make this choice... Bully is one of the kinder ones.
Now having said all of that...my question was not "Do you approve of the word bully?" It was , how do you define a bully...what is a bully to you? Call him what you like if Bully upsets you... How do you decide he is what he is? What does he do, what does he not do?
Last edited by Snow White. : 30-06-2010 at 07:15 AM.
i think a bully is someone who taunts people the 1s who are quiet of easy to pick on it is wrong no matter what there problems are just cuz their lifes maybe crap or home life is bad and they get bullied at home they take out their anger on other people or do it to other people to make them selfs feel better
young girl its alright your tears will soon dry your soon be free to fly
she's falling from grace , she's all over the place..............
a bully is someone who keeps doing what they are doing even when they know they are hurting you. The ones that have to win. the ones that are taken a back when you are stand up to them and the only way to get rid of them is give in?
I dunno its one of those question that just cant be answered in my mind.
if i listed the people that have hurt me or teased me properly i get to 6 people at different places at different times. those are the bullies.
Quote:
Originally Posted by lily lady
Websters Dictionary defines a Bully as: "a person who hurts, frightens, threatens, or tyrannizes over those who are smaller or weaker."
theres more than six people who have frightened me but i think someones only a bully if they do it consistently or something so bad its always there.
I think that list covers the activities, so long as they are done intentionally by one person over a prolonged period of time.
For example, threatening or physical assault once or twice is incidents, but if it is repeated, it would be bullying.
But imo, to count it as bullying, the bully has to have some motive.
This motive could either be as simple as for personal amusement/enjoyment or it could be to try and cope/build back their ego if they themselves are being bullied.
"Tutto è bello..." - "Everything is beautiful..."
Nicola to Matteo, La meglio gioventù
Wow, you have given me such awesome thought-provoking answers!
Please keep them coming if anybody has more to add...
Thank you all very much for helping me to answer this difficult question... after I have a few days to think about these I'll come back to say more... Thank you all very very much.
All I really have to add is that I have seen research that says many bullies are victims themselves. I have also read psychology books that show that many bullies are not victims. Which, I guess, ties in with motivation (which a lot of people touched on here).
I also saw some research that showed that many children who are bullied thru-out their school years remain victims their whole life. This has been very true for me. I don't like the use of labels either, but it seems I've been a magnet for this type of person - wherever I go - it has followed me, and I've had the "wonderful" experience of being bullied by many different types of bullies in lots of different situations.
I started this post because I had hoped to eventually get talking about defending yourself against a bully... For me, it was the hardest thing to learn...and it's something I'm still learning. I think it affects lots of people who have been victimized by bullies (again, sorry to use the labels victim and bully so much, but unless I have an agreed upon substitute - I must remain mute on the topic without these words.)
Does anyone have any advice, opinions, stories, about trying to defend yourself against a bully? Has it worked for you, has it made things worse? Do you think it depends on the type of bully? Any discussion is welcome.
I've had lots of experiences where I was unsuccessful in defense... Not to mention being labelled a bully myself for trying. (I feel this is just a tactic bullies use to throw the heat back on to the victim). However, every therapist I've talked to about this has tried training me in assertiveness, which has improved my confidence and self-esteem. As was said earlier... I don't feel like I have to just shut up and give in. Even tho it may not stop the bully, the act of verbalising my points to these bullies helps somewhat. (When I can do it, and that's certainly not all the time.)
in schools, where bullying is got on top of before things escalate where it gets out of hand.
Not really point, but I disagree with this point that katie made, in 2 ways.
The first is that, just because you're in school does not mean teachers will do f*ck all about it. In the 12 years I was bullied in school, just one teacher did anything about it. And many more than that one teacher knew, the rest just chose to ignore it.
The seconds, 'before it get out of hand' - the second bullying starts, it's out of hand. saying before it gets out of hand implies it is ok untill that point: I seriously doubt this implication was intentional, but it is there all the same.
My definition of a bully? Someone who gains pleasure from, or copes with their own life by, making other peopel hurt physically or emotionally by proving* their superiority in one or both of those ways, and/or humiliating them, and/or singleling them out as different which isolates them from their peers, and/or intimidating them which could lead to possible have soem form of control over them.
*I use the term proving losely, as often the vitcims of bullying could fight back, and beign physically stronger win, but they show such intense self restraint and chose not to - which, in my oppinion, makes them the bigger person, though i have nothign againts those who have fought back. I myself have done both.
"I would be almighty in my own world of art, even if I had to paint my pictures with my wet tongue on the dusty floor of my cell." -Picasso
"No, painting is not done to decorate apartments. It is an instrument of war." - Picasso
'I have scars becuase I have a past; but they, like my past, do not define my future'
I was also bullied for over a decade every day at school, by at least 20 of my peers. I was physically assaulted in lessons, and teachers did nothing.
If they'd supported me, and the then one perpetrator, right at the beginning, when I was 6, and had sand thrown in my face, it might have been different.
THAT is where I was coming from.
'Out of hand' is where it takes on a life of it's own. I agree that the moment it starts it already is. BUT one 6 year old person against one smaller 6 year old person is more... containable and communicable with than at least 20 16 year olds against one, with teachers colluding. That's my point.
Sorry for misunderstanding. I was aware of your history of bullying, which is why i had to question you on what you said, becuas eyou said bullying is got on top of - leaveng no room ofr exceptions, when in fact from experaince, it beign got on top of is the exception. its more containable and more comunicable yes, but its still out of hand. Children shouldnt be acting like that towards toehr children.
"I would be almighty in my own world of art, even if I had to paint my pictures with my wet tongue on the dusty floor of my cell." -Picasso
"No, painting is not done to decorate apartments. It is an instrument of war." - Picasso
'I have scars becuase I have a past; but they, like my past, do not define my future'
Thanks. :)
Yeah. I wasn't referring to the having things in hand as something that happens lots. If at all.
Just, my brain gets scrambled sometimes between thought and words and it can get mis-read because I missed some feeling or something out.
Just wanted to add that I've found that when a teacher doesn't look out for you (or worse, the teacher bullies you too) it only gets the students jumping on the pile, if you know what I mean. The teachers actually encourage the students to bully the victim, intentionally or unintentionally.
"Can you sorta, describe what format of bullying you want to deffend against?"
I think it would be good to talk about it all.
Presently the type of bullying I experience comes in the form of isolation and verbal attacks. Whenever I have had physical attacks I could only curl up in a ball and dissociate.
As for what you said about understanding your bullies by witnessing them getting bullied.... I just wanted to thank you for sharing that with me, I honestly cannot ever recall having such an experience.
I still struggle with having sympathy for my physical abusers, but the rest of it I can certainly understand. But just because I can understand it ... doesn't mean that I can forgive it. That really depends, for me of course, on how much pain I'm still suffering from what was inflicted by that bullies actions. Some people I may never trust again... and some people I'll always fear.
but I think that anyone who hurts someone else has a reason for it, there is always a reason behind the act: be is self-esteme, defence, that they have been hurt in the past, etc.
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