Triggering (Abuse) - having problems with my neighbour *probably safe*

[Piglet]

Hey, I wasn't sure where to put this so feel free to move it.

This morning i had a run in with the guy in the flat opposite mine. Ever since i moved in 3 months ago he's been very friendly, maybe too friendly. While i was decorating he would bring me cups of tea and cake and we got on well.

But recently he's been making me feel uncomfortable. Making comments like how he expected me to be wearing skimpy clothes in the hot weather and how lovely i look. He even offered to keep me company while my boyfriend is away.

He's been leaving cakes on my doorstep 'hoping i'll stop by and say thank you' and he picks up my mail from the basket and pins it to the door, it feel like he's trying to work out when i get home.

Then this morning he came by to 'see if i was back from my parents' we talked for a few mintues then he leaned in to kiss me. I stepped back into the flat and he kept coming at me. When i ran out of space he kissed me and left saying 'thats just the first of many'.

Maybe i'm making a big deal out of nothing but i feel very uncomfortable and almost too scared to leave the flat incase i run into him. My counsellor suggested getting the police involved but that seems a bit drastic to me. What do you think am i making something out of nothing?

[shadow-light]

I don'tt think you're making something out of nothing... not even slightly

THough personally I would try speaking to him before doing something like getting the police involved, it's possible that he;s not trying to be inapropriate and has either got the wrong end of the stick or doesn't relise that what he's doing is wrong and making you feel uncomfortable (though to be honest I think he should realise this)

Yeah that is definitely sexual harassment. He may or may not know it is (i think that'd be somewhat dense to not know but who knows), but if you tell him straight up that you are not comfortable with ANY sexual comments or advances and he still does it at all, you have every right to get the police involved. At this point getting the police involved might cause more problems than its worth since he may stop if you tell him to, but if he at all does anything you tell him not to, don't hesitate to tell someone who can stop him. When red flags are going off it doesn't matter that it may seem like "not a big deal". It is a big deal and it means your mind is telling you that this likely could become dangerous and needs to stop.

Sexual harassment is a crime and it could easily escalate, so stand up to him, even if it means leaving a note or having someone else talk to him, and if he does not listen, what he is doing is wrong and illegal.

[GlitterTrashDoll]

Your definetly(sp?) not making something out of nothing.

I agree with what other people have said, I would talk to him first before you got the police involved.

The fact you moved away when he tried to kiss you is enough of a sign to him that you don't want him to kiss you, but the fact is he came into your apartment and kissed you anyway, even though you obviously tried to avoi it. So what he is doing is definetly sexual harrasment

[Pierrot]

Others have already said this, but I still wanted to say you're not overreacting. Tell him bluntly that you're not interested. Don't offer excuses, like that you already have a boyfriend or that you work a lot, etc. Just say it straight up, and keep saying it. There's not even necessarily a need to put it kindly, or politely. And once you've established that personal boundary, keep it that way. The urge to be seen as friendly and well-mannered is conditioned into most people, but in this case it's okay to maintain a distance. Please take care.

[Piglet]

Thanks for your replies, it helps to hear someone else agree.

I know i need to talk to him but I'm really not good at this kind of conversation. I'm not assertive at all. So i was thinking about the idea of leaving him a note, that would help the rabbit in the headlights feeling.

The problem is i don't know what to say. I don't want to upset him and make things worse.

maybe just write a note saying that you have been feeling uncomfortable with his actions lately and that you are not interested in any sort of romantic or sexual relationship. Let him know you don't want it to be awkward so wrote the note but that you are not at all comfortable with ANY sexual references or actions from him.

[ghosts in the machine]

While you're being very considerate of him and not wanting to upset him, he's not being considerate of you. His actions have been upsetting and distressing for you, and I think you need to remember that when thoughts about not upseting him come into your mind.

susspendeddisconnect had an idea in maybe writing a note to him - but if you do, make sure you keep a copy of it and write down the date you gave it to him in case he doesn't stop and you need to show the police that you've clearly told him to back off.

You don't derserve this; he's in the wrong. Please remember that, and take care .

[lily lady]

I agree with Scath and Pierrot. I also wanted to add that I am getting a major red flag off this guy from the way you have described these interactions.

It's just my opinion - but to h*ll with being nice to this guy... Why?
1) he knows you have a boyfriend already.
2) Then he knows he shouldn't have kissed you.
3) The way he kissed you, and what he said afterwards - spells out trouble to me.

You have described yourself as someone who is not very assertive, and that you don't want a fight to start. My concern is that -
1) He already sees you as not assertive, so perfect to push past boundaries and take advantage with.
2) He's already pushed past boundaries (listed above) and that spells D-O-G to me. I'm afraid you might already have a fight on your hands. A fight for your right to respect, privacy, and to say NO and be heard.

If you write a note, be very careful in what you say, be wary of words he can twist. Yes, keep a copy.

If you confront him verbally, do not be afraid to be angry and mean.

Expect him to be an *sshole after you assert yourself with him. If he's the jerk I think he is - being kind and considerate will not stop him, but being assertive will draw out a punishment from him.

Tell your boyfriend, tell others in your building and ask "Do you know if he's done this before?", and tell him to bugger off. If he persists, then call the police. Keep records/notes of all interactions for the police.

^^agrees with above

[Lon]

Is it too late for me to jump in here and add my comments? This is just my interpretation of the situation, so please feel free to disregard. I'm no more expert than the next person.

But on the most basic level it sounds to me like what this guy is doing is trying to establish dominance. If he's hitting on you when you already have a boyfriend, he's trying to assert himself over both your boyfriend and you. The best way I can think of to handle it is to put the kibosh to it, as quickly and completely as you can. I think Pierrot is right: it's probably going to take several encounters before you get the idea across. Bearing that in mind, it might be a good idea to tell as many of your friends and family as you trust with the info.

I don't recommend writing a note. It might help you to get your point across, but it is also going to look like you're afraid of confrontation, and he may see that as a sign of weakness. Also, he can always trash it and pretend he never saw it. What I think you really ought to do is meet him on your ground--close to your flat, for instance--and talk to him face to face. Bring a friend, if you need to. Do you have any casual guy friends who might be willing to help you out, or maybe one of your boyfriend's crew who'd do you the favor? I'm not saying a man would necessarily be able to handle the situation any better, but if your neighbor is half the pig he sounds like, he might not take a female friend seriously. One friend only, though; any more than that will look like a threat.

Which brings me to this other point: the other thing to remember about a face to face interaction is not to come across as too aggressive. If you're rude or antagonistic, you might set him off. Keep in mind that, in his own way, he's probably as emotionally worked up and invested in this as you, it's just that his emotions are different. Again, Pierrot is right--just be blunt. Don't be overly formal or pleasant, but don't be rude. Just tell it like it is: you have a boyfriend, you're not interested in another one, and the way he's been coming onto you is offensive and off-putting. Don't offer to be his friend; don't negotiate; don't give him a consolation prize of any kind. Say your piece, and be done.

I know I've written a whole paranoia academy lecture here, and I'm really sorry if you're sitting in your chair going But taking control of things before they develop any further is important. It will help you feel a lot better--more powerful--and it will help defuse this, which deserves to be taken seriously. Take care.

Lon

[Piglet]

OMG he was actually stood on the door step waiting for me this morning. I opened the door and he was just stood there with a piece of paper saying 'good morning sleeping beauty'.

I told him i couldn't stop cause i had to catch my bus, i was on the way to church. he took my hand and kissed it and said he wouldn't kiss me on the lips cause i was going to church and would have to confess it. As i left he said he was eagerly awaiting my return. I was so scared when i got back i was trying not to make any sound so he couldn't hear me.

I'm really freaked out now, i physically can not talk to him, i turn into a nervous wreck everytime i see him and i'm getting flash backs to when i was assulted a few years ago.

I've emailed my boyfriend but he's in america for 3 weeks so can't do anything.

[Piglet]

ok so he's just got my email and he's sending his uncle round to sort him out. i'm really scared though that it's just gonna start a huge fight and make things much worse.

if this guy tries anything when confronted, you can call the police. maybe keep your phone handy from a distance in case it gets too aggressive. i think it's good that someone is helping you out, will put the message that even if you have trouble being assertive, there are people who will stand up for you. what he is doing is getting more and more dangerous so i'm glad its getting sorted. you have every reason to be afraid of this situation.

[Pierrot]

It's good that you have someone coming around to help you out. Have you told anyone else? It might be a good idea to let many people know what's going on, just so that you have a backup if you need one.

I'm sorry that I missed your follow-up post this morning. I hope you're doing okay...that must have been an ugly scare. Do you have someone who'll come over to stay with you if you get so you're not comfortable being home alone?

[Piglet]

My boyfriend's uncle didn't speak to him in the end as he decided it would probably make things worse. He also suggested i don't try talking to him about this because it could give mixed messages.

I had a shock when i got home this evening. There were a couple of laungrie catalogues pined to my door. I don't know it was him but don't see who else it could''ve been as i've never spoken to the people upstairs.

My boyfriend is trying to persuade me to move out untill he gets back, but as much as i hate the idea of running into my neighbour i don't want to let him push me out of my home.

I am seriously considering talking to the police but i'm scared that if they say something to him it's just going to make him angery.

[lily lady]

Thanks for the update, I was worrying about you.

[Pierrot]

Please take care. If you feel at risk, I hope you'll seek some kind of help; I'm sure you already know this, but you do have a legitimate harassment case against him. And he's obviously becoming more forward, which is not a good sign.

I think you should at least call the police and let them know you're being harassed. He's pushing this way too far. I can understand why you'd be reluctant to get them involved for fear of making your neighbor angry, but they do have protocols in place for dealing with this situation; they will at least give you some pointers on making yourself safer, if not actively help you.

I know I'm being a little pushy, and I apologize for it, but from where I'm sitting, this looks like a worrisome situation. I hope I haven't offended.

Yeah this is getting pretty bad. You may want to involve the police at this point as it's getting worse and the more you describe it the more it sounds like he knows exactly what he's doing. Even if they don't charge him, just having their presence may scare him off. And once the police are involved, he will know you are protected and if he does try anything you've already got a case started so it's gonna be quicker to get dealt with if he gets even more pushy or becomes violent. Maybe even see if you can get a restraining order or something, this really is serious harassment. No matter what someone needs to tell him straight out to leave you alone so he has no way to pretend he doesn't know. Sorry if I'm scaring you, it just worries me that this is progressing worse and worse.

[Piglet]

Thank you for your concern i do appreciate it.
I think i will go and see the police even if it's just for some advice.

lily lady - thanks for your message, i really appreciate it.
Pierrot - i don't think your being pushy - well no more than any of my friends.