Triggering (SI) - Do I Tell?

Marshmallow. · 21-04-2010, 05:50 PM

So long story short my little cousin just told me that she has been self harming. She's only 12 years old and has made me promise not to tell her parents and I respect that because I haven't told my parents about me yet.
I gave her some advice but I know that I'm not in a good place right now to be able to completely support her through this.
So the question really is, do I tell her parents?

Horizon · 21-04-2010, 06:12 PM

I think you should. They will be able to get her the support that she needs, because it can't rest solely on you. Even if you haven't told your parents about your self-harm, the information she has entrusted to you needs to be shared with her parents for her well-being. It is likely they will find out regardless, sooner or later, and frankly sooner is better so that she can get help before it escalates.

shadow-light · 21-04-2010, 06:15 PM

that's a hard possition to be in.

maybe you can let her knoe that you are there for her, talk to her, etc. and try to encourage her to tell her parents herself? Maybe help her get some informations about the topic and maybe help her to write a letter to her parents.
How do you think they'd react if they knew?

EpicFailGirl · 21-04-2010, 06:48 PM

dont tell her parents behind her back. she wont forgive you for a long time. either encourage her to tell them, sign her up on here ^_^ and tell her she should confide in some friends =] that can be there for her.

Zeitgeist · 21-04-2010, 07:02 PM

Support of friends is good, but it's not a cure, unfortunately. I think you should talk to her, and as others said, try and get her to tell her parents. Maybe you could help her with that? Although I realize in your position that might be a difficult thing to do.

Especially at her age though, I think it's imperative that older, more mature people get involved. Her friends won't know how to deal with it any better than she does, I guess. Or, alternatively, you could get her to talk to a trusted teacher/school counsellor, who could take things further.

The others are right, this shouldn't rest on your shoulders alone.

BunnythesAINT · 21-04-2010, 07:39 PM

I think you should tell her parents. It's hard, I know that but in the end it's going to happen. I mean her parents are most likely going to find out at one time or another whether it's tomorrow or five years from tomorrow. But I think you should tell them now, when something can be done to help her before everything gets worse. It really sucks when someone tells your parents, I know because it happened to me, but in the end I think that maybe I was naive to think I could keep such a thing hidden....and really let's be honest, what's the likely hood of her telling them herself? And even more, what good is going to come out of the site for this specific situation? It's sugar coating is just as much as not saying anything is. I mean this really is your decision but in the end I think you really need to think of what's best to HELP her, not the relationship. I mean one day she'll forgive you but really can you forgive yourself if something bad happens to her? It sounds really dramatic, I know, but there is a lot of angles to something like this to look at.

tamobhuuta · 21-04-2010, 09:07 PM

if you do tell her parents, make sure you talk to her about it first. liek Epic said you don't want to go behind her back. mayeb give her some options, like telling them herself, you telling them, or seeing her school counsellor? yes she might still hate you for it but she's likely to be more forgiving if she's had some kind of choice in it.

DontLookUp · 21-04-2010, 10:47 PM

Dont go behind her back unless you think that she may really hurt herself badly either accidently or on purpose.
I think the best thing to do is to talk to her about it, try and get her to talk to someone else, she needs an adult right now. For example help her understand why she should tell her parents and help her do it, you know like maybe help her prepare what to say or right a letter.
You could also try and persuade her to go to the school counselor and maybe she should talk about the underlying issues eg. she feels sad/ problems with friends or whatever is causing her to SH, and she doesnt need to talk about the fact that she SH, but at least this way she would get support from the counselor and if she felt comfortable could confide in the counselor that she SH.
Just try and make sure she gets help, if she wont agree to talk about the SH, then maybe she would agree to talk about how she feels to someone else which is really important because its that that needs to be dealt with. It shouldnt be placed all on you, you are dealing with your own battles too. And make sure she knows if you are going to tell anyone, i know if i was in her situation how hurt i would be if someone told without discussing it first.
Sorry if i didnt make much sense..

Entropy · 22-04-2010, 01:51 AM

I wouldn't tell her parents but I would keep an eye on her and also say to her that she has to tell someone or you will do it for her but let her choose who to tell - parent, teacher, some kind of counsellor, other relative, family friend etc. but tell her someone who can help her needs to know and its not that you cant be there for her just that you arent in a position to get her professional help

SheHasHope · 22-04-2010, 02:36 AM

I would tell her parents. She's twelve years old, and she's your family.

If she were older, and your friend instead of family, then my answer would be different...but twelve years old is just such a young age to be caught in this mess alone. Any age is, but twelve especially.

Imperfect.Star · 22-04-2010, 10:03 AM

Like Tamohuuta said I think they need to know but you shouldn't tell them without telling your cousin first! Like other people have said it would be better if she tells them herself so maybe you could offer to go with her when she tells them or if she feels it's too hard then she could go with you when you tell them.
Please please please don't do anything about it without telling her first! I think it's the worst thing someone can do.
Good luck with a really tough decision.
xxx

shadow-light · 22-04-2010, 10:31 AM

i don't see why he being 12 means that her family needs telling more than if she was older... I was 6 when I started and noone knew until I was 19.

chldren are a lot more perceptive and able to cope with things than we give them credit for. I'm not sure age should be a factor really...

but I do agree that she needs support other than relying completely on the OP. I just think that she should at least be part of the decision of who to tell and when

EpicFailGirl · 22-04-2010, 10:48 AM

12 isnt as young as it seems. i was trying to kill myself at 14. luckily, i was also stupid, and it didnt work.

The Fantastical · 22-04-2010, 01:34 PM

Personally I think you should advise your cousin very strongly to talk to her parents and if not them then at least some other trusted person who is in a position to help her. You said yourself that you can't really help her, but she has chosen you to confide in and I think that gives you a bit of responsibility. I'm not saying you have to support her on your own, but I think you need to make sure she gets help. Encourage her to tell someone, and let her know that this isn't a secret you can keep. It would be best for her if she could tell someone herself and maybe you could help her work towards that. If she can't then might be the time to step in and tell someone yourself.

You are not on your own in this and neither is she. You may have promised her to keep it a secret but there are some secrets that should not be kept. Try telling her that and tell her that it isn't because you don't care but it's because you want her to get the best help possible and you can't provide that.

It's tough but she does need help. Try talking to her and help her to tell others. You might find it helps you as well.

-hugs- Take care of yourself as well.

88shelz · 22-04-2010, 01:39 PM

how would you feel if you had confided in your cousin and she told your parents?
do you think it would be helpful?

Jessica5452 · 28-04-2010, 02:45 PM

There are a few options you have here but all of them end with her parents knowing. You could go with your cousin to tell her parents, you tell her parents or convince her to tell her parents. Either way they need to know. She is twelve years old and she needs help right now before it gets any worse. I don't know your story but just think about if you want her ending up like you. If the answer is no then her parents need to know. Also think about going through this with her. This may be the perfect time to get help yourself. You guys can go through recovery together, be each other's support. I hope everything works out.

Shellybelly · 28-04-2010, 08:40 PM

I really don't think you should tell them. like others have said just talk with her and encourage her to tell her parents herself. Because you are in sorta the same position right? would you want someone to come and tell your parents?

LetterZ · 28-04-2010, 09:55 PM

I personally wouldn't tell her parents, it'd make it so that she wouldn't trust you, and if she really your help about something she might find herself too scared that you'd tell people again. What I'd do is encourage her to tell her parents, if she's not the one doing it, it could catch her off guard and cause more emotional problems. You could also tell her to come here if you want. I just think that telling her parents would be very risky, especially if they react in a negative way.

I think that she needs someone to talk to, but she needs to do it of her own free will. Forcing help on someone can have very bad results.

Horizon · 28-04-2010, 10:03 PM

See, I think this puts marshmallow in a very unfair position. If the parents find out that she knew about the SI and didn't alert them, she might get into trouble. Also, her cousin needs professional help, but it's unlikely she would seek it on her own, especially at her age. She needs it before she gets worse. I think it would be better to have her be temporarily angry but receiving help than to be spiraling. Of course, telling her she should talk to her parents might help her do so, but if she refuses to talk to someone, I think an adult needs to be informed.

The Fantastical · 28-04-2010, 10:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Facet

See, I think this puts marshmallow in a very unfair position. If the parents find out that she knew about the SI and didn't alert them, she might get into trouble. Also, her cousin needs professional help, but it's unlikely she would seek it on her own, especially at her age. She needs it before she gets worse. I think it would be better to have her be temporarily angry but receiving help than to be spiraling. Of course, telling her she should talk to her parents might help her do so, but if she refuses to talk to someone, I think an adult needs to be informed.

I agree.

It's better to be hated by your cousin in the short term and for her to get over this than to be trusted by her and watch her get worse.

Tell her that you have to tell someone though, explain to her this isn't a secret you can keep.

I think she needs help now, when she is twelve. If a problem is tackled sooner, the behaviour will not get as ingrained - be easier to change.