Depressed. Mental. Meantal Health. Crazy. Kirsten. RANT TBH.

[worthless x]

i'm nineteen years old. i have depression & very bad anxiety + panic attacks.

i don't leave my house because i believe something bad will happen to me. i only leave my house if someone comes with me.

i don't go out with friends. i lie to them all. i promise them i will see them or come out with them - then i break my promise. i make excuses to everyone for everything.

i was diagnosed with depression when i was 15 years old. they said i had it for years before. i think i got it in 2002 at the latest. i got my 2 grans, grandad and cousin in about 2 years.

i spoke to a girl called kirsten on AOL who is a complete liar. i call her my best friend. when i was young, on January 8th 2004 i was telling her that i hated myself, where i lived, my family etc etc. she knew my address, so she said "i'll come + get you + we'll run away to england". i didn't want to run away. i just wanted to go to her house for a while.

she met me that morning about 12:45 AM. she came to my home town. i met her. we didn't run. i met her that time only.

we still talk - but not the close way like we used to. a few months ago i found her on facebook and we've spoke every day since.

she keeps telling me to go to her house - ABERDEEN. i live in glasgow it costs over £100 - i have no job.

i'm scared to go and visit her. i don't know how to get there. i no no one in aberdeen. i don't know her properly. i'd be far too out of my comfort zone. something would happen to me if i went to aberdeen. i wouldn't want to go out. i don't want to stay at her house or anything.

i dont mind talking to her on facebook, bebo + msn. but that's it.

SHE ****ing went on MY bebo + added LOADS of boys from it.. she's now "dating" a boy who i've grown up with. he stays 4 doors along from my mum. SHE CAME TO MY MUMS HOME TOWN LAST Weekend!!!!!!!

she told me on bebo she was coming - she told me she'd go to my mums and talk to her + my brother and get them to phone me + ****. I PHONE MY MUM + BROTHER AND WARNED THEM SHE'D BE ARRIVING.

i blanked her since the moment i read that comment.

on Thursday my arms were painful (different story so i wont go in to it) i couldn't get dressed because my couldn't move my left arm. blah blah blah.... so anyway i couldn't go to see kirsten because i was in so much pain.

she arrived on Friday. seen my brother - spoke to him. my computer broke then my dad fixed it.

i bebo'd her on Saturday to say i was in pain - she bebo'd me back but i didn't go on bebo at all in till yesterday.

she wrote me a comment "aye. notice that you blank me and don't talk to me or nothing when i actually come down" or some ****.

i'm ****ing raging at her. she doesn't understand. I CANT loose her as a friend. but i'm SCARED to meet her at my mums because she'll want me to hang about with her boyfriend + that crew. which i hate. i'm to scared to go to her house.

but i can't loose her now that she's ****ing friends with people i hate from my home town.

i don't know what to do.

[Sunshine]

i dont really know what to suggest, just wanted to let you know im listening
x

[untitled18]

To be honest i find the fact that she went onto your bebo and added people she didn't even know and is now dating someone you 've grown up with and goes and visits your mum a little creepy. If she means so much to you as a friend why don't you try telling her how you feel? Maybe you could try meeting up with her on your own terms. You make the suggestion, time place etc and maybe say you haven't been feeling great recently so you'd prefer a quiet day out and for it to just be the two of you rather than a big group of people?
Sorry i'm rubbish at giving advice but i hope things work out x

[kirsty345]

Just to let you know, I know exactly how you feel about the anxiety stuff. I am on a uni course, and my uni is a good hour and a bit away on 2 buses.

I was diagnosed with a heart condition called postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome in the summer, which basically means i randomly pass out with no warning/ go extremely dizzy and have to sit on the floor. Its happened so many times while i've been out and about that im terrified to go anywhere alone. Its triggered by heat and standing still for long periods of time, so anywhere where its warm, or i have to stand i just completely panic. Its getting to the point where im scared to go anywhere. Some days I wake up and just can't stop crying, and some days i cry myself to sleep. No-one undertands, and because there are no visible symptoms, except me sitting on the floor looking pale, no-one understands. I'm living with friends in a student house, but i feel so alone and almost bitterly jealous as they go out and have relationships etc, while im sat in watching telly trying not to cry. The doctors don't seem to care. Im on sleeping tablets, but even with sleep, i just feel like staying in bed all day. Just to let you know you're not the only one. and i'm trying my hardest to get someone medical/professional to do something to help and stop me getting no anxious and upset/panicky. Have you had any luck?

[worthless x]

thanks everyone for the hugs! xx

sunshine - thanks so much for listening, it helps x

untitled18 - she's added so many people from my bebo - i checked her's today and she's got even more of my friend's on it. she's dating a boy who she MET OVER MY BEBO. to try to tell kirsten anything, would never work - she'd just shut me out of her life if i done that - she doesn't like anyone telling her the truth. i'm scared to meet her. i've only met her once which was 6 years ago. she lives in aberdeen it would cost me £100 to visit her just for the ticket. i dont want her to come down here - my dad wouldn't let her stay at my house + i wouldn't want her to stay at my mums house. if we met we'd need to live with each other for a few days - i just don't think i wanna do that! any advice is great! thank you so much for yours. x

kirsty345 - i never go anywhere alone! i'd be so scared. i cry myself to sleep alot. i just hate everything right now. i stay in bed for ages + sometimes all day. i never get dressed + i never go out. thanks it's great to know that i'm not the only one. no i don't know who in the world could help me about my anxiety/panic attacks + stuff. i've to go see a councillor but it's really about rape :/ + abuse. it's called CARA - Centre for Action on Rape and Abuse. i wanted a normal councillor to help me with thing's, but we'll see how it goes x

[Lone_Dark_Star]

Can you not talk to this councillor of yours about not want to to go out!
Chances are its all connected and she maybe able to help you over come this fear!
Maybe you can look into do self defence courses or some form of martial arts to help you feel safer when your alone!

This girl should surely understand how you feel about coming out of the house alone if she really is the "best friend" you say she is!
And I've just have a quick look on nationalrail.com and the ticket prices don't seem to be much more than £40! and if you book in advance it would be even cheaper! But you would prob want about £100 to be able to do things there aswell!! But Hey ho thats all up too you!
Either way this girl should understand but if not I would say she aint worth bothering with especially if she can date a random person on your profile! To me that says shes not a very nice person to be with anyways!

[shadow-light]

I can relate t the whole not going out thing... I may as well be housebound, I can't even go downstairs to get the post due to bloody anxiety rubbish. I also can't have anyone visit often as I get scared about them being in my "safe place" I've lost a lot of friends due to this... But I still do have some, some do (sort of) understand, so I guess in a way it's taught me who is and isn't really a good friend...


Is it really that much to get from Glasgow to Aberdeen? I live in Aberdeen and I know I can get to Edinbrough for under £20 if I book a week before...