Triggering (SI) - Strong need to cut - school stress - help
AAAAHH!
i'm so close to cutting i can't handle it.
the dark haze has come over my vision, so all i can focus on is my huge urge to injure myself. no distractions are working anymore, and i cant stop thinking about it.
i get my AS level results next week, and i have 3 exams to revise for before I return to school, plus a personal statement to write.....
I'm just so scared im going to fail everything, and be no good. I haven't got any other plans unless this works out - i'm under so much pressure.
and cutting is the only way i know of dealing with this.
i KNOW im going to cut next week, so im SO triggered now, coz i cant see the point in delaying it really.....
i just long to hurt, to drag metal across my skin and bleed. i need a release.
but part of me is holding out. not even for me now, its just in case people notice.
i feel so low, can anyone relate? i dont know what to do, i havent got the strength to stay away much longer.
I can definitely relate, I'm sure a lot of us can. I'm sorry you're struggling so much just now, and it does sound like you've got a lot going on, so I'm not surprised that you're feeling stressed and overwhelmed. But it is really good that you're still trying not to hurt yourself. You've got this far, right? Try to focus on that. And maybe instead of telling yourself that you know you're going to end up cutting, you could try to think more positively - tell yourself that you can do this, because you can.
Is there anything at all that helps? Writing, drawing, just being good to yourself, curling up to watch a film or something? I understand that distractions are only helpful up to a certain point, but even so, there's nothing inevitable about you hurting yourself. You are in control, here. Is there anyone you could talk to or be with - friends, family? Or even just keep writing here, or call a helpline or something. You're not alone, and you can do this. I know urges are hard to resist, trust me I do. But you don't have to act on it. Just acknowledge it's there, but that it doesn't control you. Even if you do give in this time, it's not the end of the world - you will get there in the end.
As for the stress that you'r under - could you try to find some healthy ways of dealing with it? I know it's a stressful time, I remember how stressed I got with exams and personal statements. I'm sure that you won't fail - don't tell yourself you will - but even if this doesn't work out, there will be other options. It isn't worth hurting yourself over. Try to break down what you need to do into little sections and focus on one thing at a time. Once you achieve a certain amount - say a section of revision - reward yourself with some time off, something good to eat, whatever helps. Make sure you take time out, too, maybe do some exercise, make plans with friends. Getting results is scary, but try not to stress about it too much; it won't help now. Could you arrange something fun to do after you get them, so you have something to look forward to - and either celebrate, or cheer yourself up?
Take care hun, you can do this. Please feel free to PM me if you need someone to talk to, I'm always happy to listen. xo
I'm going through exams right now, have to pass them all or I'm getting chucked out of uni! so I can relate to what you're going through to a degree.
as has been said resits are possible so it's not like if things don't work out there is no way to fix it. As for personal statement, I'd assume that doesn't need sending for a few months yet? so you could probably get a tutor to help you with it once you go back to college/school
a good way i deal with stress is to scream (when i'm walking the dog usually, but it helps if you live in the countryside like me) i trash my room completely and then i have to tidy it up (it creates stress relief AND takes your mind off an urge) or i get a bouncy ball and bounce it as hard as i can on the floor, swinging my arm down - it gives a good feeling when you feel your arm going down that fast.
Stress balls are great and also another thing i do is bake cupcakes! honestly, it helps, and you get the extra reward of getting to eat something really yummy afterwards. It also doesn't matter if they get burned or something because if i ruin them by accident, i hurl them at windows, or even at the birds outside. LOL
It really helps :)
Anyway, lecture over! Cant wait to read more of your story either! LOL
pickle your suggestions are amazing! (although you seem to have a lot of anger inside LOL). im gunna try some, they made me smile.
there are resits, thats true, but Im scared I won't be able to handle studying for those at the same time as starting the A2 modules....
plus for maths at my school, you have to get over a certain amount in AS, or they wont let you study it at A2!! and i need to do maths!
.... eurgh im just so unsure about everything. being good academically is like all i've had (im not pretty, or sporty or like musically talented or anything), but now i just feel so dumb! it seems like everyone else handles the pressures of school life fine, but i cant :((
Last edited by Melancholic_xoxo : 13-08-2009 at 07:19 PM.
Reason: me and pickle posted at the same time, and it was confusing!
aaaw, *dreams* GCSEs were the best years EVER!! esp yr 11! i know it sounds stupid, and you wont wanna hear it, but you have lots to look forward to! i hated yr 9 too - its when my cutting was worst apart from now, but ....
lol im just rambling now. its just really confusing. statistically, there must be SOMEONE else in my entire school that feels the same as me, with everything weighing down on them and stuff, but how come everyone seems to be ok? :((
Yes, these are bruises from fighting. Yes, I'm comfortable with that. I am enlightened. - Narrator (Fight Club)
Pickle 