Adult - *EXTREMELY TRIGGERING* Dont read if you aren't in a good place
This can be very triggering but it keeps going round and round in my head! I hate myself so much for it I cant tell anyone I am so ashamed. I am very very bad for thinking it I am as bad as them!!
Im sorry
I don't know how to write this \:
When I was younger and thought that what was happening to me was "OK" Especially as they had reassured me of that, I thought that when I was older I could get my children to do the same
How f*cking sick am I!!!!
I am as bad as my ab*sers
I deserve everything I get for thinking that! Its sick!
I wouldn't blame any of you for hating me
I hate myself so much
Last edited by white_silence : 01-04-2009 at 04:00 PM.
Just to clarify hun..... it's just something that you thought about when you were younger, and not something that you've actually carried out?
When you're being abused from such a young age, you don't know any different as abuse is all you know and all you're used to. You're bound to think it's ok, especially if that's what your abuser was always telling you. But as you've got older, you obviously understand that it wasn't normal, and it certainly wasn't ok. What I'm trying to get at is that thinking about doing those things to your own children when you get older was 'normal' for a child in your situation.... it was all you knew. However, now you have got older, you know that you can't do it, and that you don't want it to happen. You are therefore nothing like an abuser, and you certainly shouldn't tar yourself with the same brush as your own abusers.
Have you ever spoken to anyone about your own abuse? Maybe that could be a good idea?
It was just a thought when I was younger... I never did anything And I certainly wouldn't now I want to protect every child I have opened up about it for the last year now Spoken to a few But find it hard to I couldnt never speak of this though Its just sick! I am bad A very bad person )':
when you are little you just accept what you are told, you know no different... so you are bound to assume that is how the world works, that once you grow you will be expected by society to do the same, etc... it makes perfect sense...
hun your not a bad person
none of what happened to you makes you a bad person.
you were young you were told it was ok and normal but it wasnt
i wish i could make it better but i cant
but try and stay safe.
x
No, no, no, not at all hun. You're not a bad person. You have never hurt a child, and are adamant that you never will. The only reason you ever had those thoughts is because of what was being done to you when you were little. You thought it was a normal thing that happened to children... you didn't know it was wrong. And if you don't know something is wrong, then how do you know not to think it?
Have you been talking to a therapist about your abuse hunni, or just friends? I do think it would be a good idea to talk to a professional about this though sweetie. You've got some strong feelings about yourself, that you shouldn't be feeling. You've done nothing wrong sweetie, nothing at all. You were little and confused.... you were being hurt.
You're not sick at all hunni. You no longer think that way because you know it's wrong to do things to children. You're a survivor, and I'm proud of you for asking for help from us sweetie.
Take care and PM me if you want a chat
*hugs*
Chrissy
xxx
Even though they told me it was OK I knew how it made me feel I knew how wrong it was to mkae me feel like that How could I even think of inflicting that on a child! :'( :'(
I did use to see a cousellor for a couple of months but it didn't work with her I am no speaking to a counsellor through an online network. Other than that just couple fo friends But not really gone into much with either Especially on the really bad parts like this
How could I even think of inflicting that on a child!
Because it was all you knew. Hardly any kids like taking medicine, but it's something they know they have to do. This was something you knew you had to do as well, so no matter how horrible it was, you thought it was a normal thing for kids to go through.
The fact that you know now that it was wrong shows what a great person you are hun. And you deserve help for this. I can understand why you don't want to talk to anyone about it, but you've done nothing wrong at all, and deserve help to overcome this. You can't keep blaming yourself and hating yourself for these thoughts sweetie.
hoe's the online councillor going? have you voice sany of thid bfoore?
i know you feel bad, but i promice you these thoughts are not unusualy and others will have thought them and your councillor will have heard them before
Quote:
Hardly any kids like taking medicine, but it's something they know they have to do. This was something you knew you had to do as well, so no matter how horrible it was, you thought it was a normal thing for kids to go through
The online counselling seems to be going alright I am talking a lot more than I was with my other counsellor The lady seems to be more responsive to what I have got to say, shows emotion and seems to care. The only problem with it is her getting back to my e.mails - this is because she can't always get access to the computer and she has many other jobs to do So can be a bit (erm not sure what word to use here) in waiting when you really would like her to reply Other than that seems to be good And I can go down to the centre and speak to her in person if I can find the courage to do so.
I haven't spoken of above before But I have a bit about what happened to me
i just wanted to say hello and let you know that i too have thought the same things about children. i was a little girl...approx age 8 or 9 and i thought about doing the same to my very young cousin. i didn't do it, but i still see myself as a sick twisted evil person. i live every day in fear that i could potentially hurt a child. i know i won't, but the fear is there.
you are not alone. i don't think you are sick. but i know how hard it can be to convince yourself.
I guess I could try bringing it up :/ Just dunno how to Took me several times just to write this post Had deleted it god knows how many times too :(
Thanks quiet1... it does kinda help to know that Im not the only one Well doing for posting that it must of been hard for you to do too! Yup same with me Iknow I wouldnt but its that fear that gets you :/ True it is hard to convince yourself
Another fear I have would be peoples reaction to it if I told them :(
hey silence,
i wanted you to know that it was really hard for me to write that, but much easier knowing that i wasn't alone. i only shared that info with my therapist last week....in a very cryptic kind of way. i was so ashamed and so fearful that i would be judged by someone else the way i judge myself. she told me to think about a young child...and they told you what they were thinking (about hurting a child in a SA way)...how would you react to them? would you judge them? or be worried about them? would you hate the child? wouldn't you want to get that child help? or understanding?
well...you and I were that child. we can try to view ourselves as the ones who were confused and hurt. we should have had help. we shouldn't hate ourselves. (easier said then done)
here for you sweetie. you don't need to carry this burden alone.
This can be very triggering but it keeps going round and round in my head! I hate myself so much for it I cant tell anyone I am so ashamed. I am very very bad for thinking it I am as bad as them!!
Im sorry
I don't know how to write this :
When I was younger and thought that what was happening to me was "OK" Especially as they had reassured me of that, I thought that when I was older I could get my children to do the same
How f*cking sick am I!!!!
I am as bad as my ab*sers
I deserve everything I get for thinking that! Its sick!
I wouldn't blame any of you for hating me
I hate myself so much
I know how it is to hate yourself for a thought that is involving childern and your past..
i use to have thoughts bout harming childern that way....but i manged to over come it.....cause inside i knew what it is like to be hurt that way and have that adult's trust with you be betrayed..
it will be okay..it just takes some time to get rid of the thoughts
hi hunni
you are so not alone in this
i too had these kind of thoughts at some point
it is frightening to think you can think such things but it is even better to know you can and never will act on it as you are now the strong one
your abusers are the weak ones
well done for sharing it though hunni
that is the hard bit over.
xxx
quiet1 - That was very brave of you to do Well done! :) Yeah I that is a good way of looking at it I wouldn't judge that child at all Infact I would really want to look after her/him as them saying that would really alert me to the fact that something wasnt right. Yeah we were only children We shouldn't hate ourselves Thanks! Its will take time though yes
Thank you Lady Sade and bruised reed for replying and sharing the fact that you too had these thoughts. Its gives hope because you have overcome those thoughts and fears.
