Triggering (Suicide/Sexual Abuse) - please.. help needed :( *also possibly ed triggering*
i havent posted on here in a while, i hope this is okay. i stopped coming on because i always end up posting, which is bad. but today was bad.
the bad thing happened. really badly. he cut me and i went home and there was blood all over my legs. i always wear black trousers though these days, just in case, so it was ok. but it hurt.
i called patrick but he was asleep. he stayed asleep for a very long time, so when he evetually called me i was angry and irrational. i ran away to his, mummy was angry because my sister is all sick and having a heart bypass and might die. patrick was horrible, but i deserved it. he blames me for something that happened just before christmas, and its stopped him loving me. it made me love him more, and need him more, but he doesnt care. he tries to, but he doesnt. i left his house after a row and got home at 4am. travelling on the night buses was horrible and so scary and i couldnt stop crying. now its nearly 6 and i cant sleep. i mustnt sleep. bad things will happen if i sleep. i know i shouldnt post, im so sorry. i dont think me and patrick are friends any more, and he certainly doesnt want to be my boyfriend any more. after all you can nitpick but what happens with the bad person is me cheating on him. nobody wants to have sex with a girl whos still sore from being ****ed that morning. sorry im being so explicit. im not really sure what im doing or saying. also when i ate i felt so sick because i hadnt eaten since the bad thing happened so i ran upstairs and was sick in the toilet, but he heard and got really angry because he thought i'd done it on purpose and he said if i started all that again he was just going to give up on me. i cried and cried but i couldnt explain. the food felt dirty inside me, and invasive, and my body needed to get rid of it. i hadnt done it on purpose, it just made me feel really ill. and later he called me a fat bitch anyway so maybe its just as well i got sick, but i dont want to think like that again because it'll spiral.
im so scared
this is so long, and so stupid. i hope nobody has to read it, im sorry im sorry. im always saying im sorry, but nobody ever believes me :( please believe me
i realise that i said help needed in the title.. i didnt mean that, when i wrote that my message was meant to be less whiny and asking for advice andstuff. but there isnt any advice to ask for.
ive changed my mind though. i do want people to read it :( can i have some hugs? hugs are good
*cuddles*
You haven't done anything wrong and I believe you.
Does anyone know about this?
Its ok to ask for help you know none of this is your fault
xx
You're entirely bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are.
you really need to tell someone. does your bf understand you're not cheating and that you've been raped? or does he not care? cause if he doesn't care i think you need to get away from both your abuser and him (cause your bf is emotionally abusing you also from the sounds of it)... can you go to the police? you don't deserve this kind of treatment from either of them.
if he doesn't understand, can you try and explain? i mean if your bf refuses to believe you, you might just have to get away from him. you need people that will help you make the sexual abuse stop. and if he isn't willing to help, it might be better to be away from him. And he should not be calling you names. Especially that when you've had an ed in the past! is there anywhere safe you could stay? relatives, friends, even a motel or something? it just sounds like you're being very abused on one end and then the emotional abuse from the person who supposedly loves you is just making it all worse.
whats your relationship to the person who is physically/sexually hurting you? is there some way to get away from him or to report him?
don't feel bad for posting. i'm sorry this happened to you. pm me if you ever want to. and try and get away from these people. *hugs*
no no, he - patrick, he's lovely. he was my lifeline all last year and he gave up everything for me. but he always told me to go to the police... but I didn't :( and then I got pregnant and we decided to keep the baby and everything was so amazing and i wasnt even depressed any more because Baby was so important.. and then the bad thing happened and.. and i lost it. and if i;d gone to the police, i wouldnt have. i dont think he can forgive me for that. i mean, I don't deserve to be forgiven :( i love him, and all he ever wanted was a family and kids and stuff. he gave up all his friends for me because i was scared and used to run away from parties and he would always follow me and people got annoyed at him as well, and his mum was angry because he couldnt get a job because i took up so much of his time. i cant lose him, its horrible at the moment but i wouldnt have anybody if i didnt have him. and he;s not bad, hes not. ive ****ed him up so badly :(
the bad person.. I dont know him. it happened 3 years ago, and i'd spoken to him once or twice because he knew my friend, and when the bad thing happened i stopped going out anywhere i thought he could be, in the last 18 months he found me and he knows which road i live on and he waits for me :(
thank you for all your replies, but it is my fault. it isnt like i havent done anything wrong, and it isnt like patrick is bad. if he is, i made him bad. i killed his baby :(
Last edited by bobbiwibble : 02-04-2009 at 08:39 PM.
Reason: pressed post by accident too soon
It sounds like he's really stressed, but still he has to understand you're not cheating. It's not your fault if you're getting raped. Can you go to the police? you don't deserve this type of fear.
It is not your fault at all.
It's your decision whether or not to go to the police, but I really think you should. It is very scary, but it will help in the end. You don't deserve to go through all of this.
hunny i love you more than anything and you know that.
i wish i could take this all away from you i really do.
I'm sorry Alison never got in contact she told me she would and i belived her.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
" my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never, never leave you during your times of trials and suffering. When you see only one set of footprints it was then that I carried you" you were carried out of are lifes into the next and when its my time to leave this life I know i will be carried into the next life with you.
I wish i had my world complete again.
'Can we protend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars, i could really use a wish right now' BoB
thanks everyone :( I've tried to go to the police so many times and ended up running away...
Daniella its ok lol I love you too but I knew she wouldn't call. dont hold it against her. theres probably a law against contacting old students or something
could you ask your bf to go to the police with you? it sounds like he would even though he might be acting a bit horrible out of stress right now. (which doesn't excuse it but if you think you guys can work it out thats up to you) maybe he could call them, tell them you're coming, and then take you over there to report it?
She promised me hunny, i was so unset that day she promised me.
did she not call your mum?
" my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never, never leave you during your times of trials and suffering. When you see only one set of footprints it was then that I carried you" you were carried out of are lifes into the next and when its my time to leave this life I know i will be carried into the next life with you.
I wish i had my world complete again.
'Can we protend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars, i could really use a wish right now' BoB
I am so sorry about what has happened to you. You do not deserve this. You need to tell someone... you need to tell someone so the abuse will stop.
I can't imagine how you feel. My heart goes out to you.
