Triggering (SI/OD) - Slip Slip Slipping DOWN *trigger for most things*

[brokenforever]

Monday night this week was so bad
I didnt sleep at all (suprise suprise)
I couldnt even snuggle up and relax

I thought my close friend wasnt going to wake up the next morning
I had her brother shouting and stuff at me on MSN
I had no idea where she was
It TERRIFIED ME

I was shaking and in tears all night;
I was so scared that she was gone
She promised me she wouldnt leave me

The next day I didnt hear anything for a while
But finally she text me to say she was still breathing.

I was so relieved to hear she was still alive.

Then I had to go to the hospital
To see the psychiatrist
It was AWFUL

They made my mum go and see them too
I hated it
I have already been diagnosed with sever depression
They dont know hardly anything tho
They dont no the full extent of my SIing
They dont no that the little I eat, I just purge back up
They dont know about the OD's or anything

Mum wont let me go on meds though
She is refusing
Because I am only 16 there is nothing I can do
I have to be 18 for AD's.

So instead I have been referred/admitted
To Thorneywood
I dont want to go there, they make me talk with mum in the room
I wont say anything.

Then to top it all off
I lost my best friend last night
Tazzii means so much to me and she just walked away
I told her about Thorneywood
She just said you will have fun then
She then sent me a letter
Saying she doesnt want us to be mates any longer
She is leaving Nottingham
And she is leaving me

SHE PROMISED SHE WOULD NEVER LEAVE ME AND SHE HAS!!!!

I was in tears on msn
I went out
Smoked so much
Drank so much too
SI
Slight OD

I didnt know what to do - I was in BITS.

I am still fighting back the tears today
I cant carry on for much longer

I have the doctors tonight too
And I left school early once again - I am gonna get killed
But i couldnt deal with it
I am an emotional wreck at the moment
I cant keep my act up today either.

Vicky x

[silvermist]

I'm never going to leave you.

I know I'm not much help but I'm always here for you. Always.

Ily so much girl

xxxx

[shadow-light]

maybe you could tell the doctors that you'd rather not be admitted there and see if there is another option? maybe if you told them the full extent of things they'd be able to do something ,more despite your age? I'm not sure, not 100% on how it works, but the more they know the more they can help...

[brokenforever]

Thankyou for replying.
I am going to the doctors in 10 mins
And i am so scared
I dont want to go to thorneywood
But I know i need to get better
Things i was controlling eg SI
Have just spiralled out of control
I need to get the control back somehow
Your replies are really appriciated
xxxxx

[myeverything]

is thorneywood a day hospital? why are you so scared of going? it may benifit you..try and think about the possitives i know its hard. I know you feel about family meetings they are horrible i didnt used to talk in mine either but they have helped over a period of time, have you considered giving it a chance?

take care
x

[brokenforever]

Its like a day hospital yes - intense councilling ect.
I am just terrified of going
Mum only yells at me about it
SHe doesnt care about the depression and me being suicidal either
She just frigging patronises me and cares about it going on my medical record
I will give thorneywood ago
I am just scared
xxx

[shadow-light]

maybe your mum does care and is concerned but just doesn't know how to show it? some ppeople do react in odd ways when worried... I know I do, if I'm worried about someone close to me I'm more likely to get irriated with them than comfort them... I don't know why... but maybe your mum is similar? have you tried sitting down and speaking to her about it? in a way where you both remain calm... maybe she just doesn't realise how serious you are or how worried/scared


I'm glad that you are going to give thorneywood a go, at least that way you'll have tried and you never know it may end up being really helpful

[Littlelostlamb]

Hey Vicky,

The fact that your friend treated like that shows she's not a true friend, and you deserve good oens around you who will support you.

I go to a day hospital and its scary but it will help eventually. If you're working with the right counsellour they will help you feel at ease and like opening up. They can help the pain lessen.

Stay talking to us and please don't hurt youself, babe. You're a diamond. xxx

[brokenforever]

Thanks hunni,
So are you :)

xxx

[brokenforever]

What is going on???
I feel like cr@p... yet again!!!

Why do I feel like this?

The voices are there - mum hates me
Im a failure, mum told me that before I went out
They are telling me so many things that are so true.

Why do I feel so bad???
I just want to SI or something like that
I am sick to the back teeth of feeling like this!



I hate me
I hate me
I hate me

I am worthless, pathetic, a failure, a bitch, a cr@p mate, fat.

ERRRR I HAVENT EATEN IN AGES... WHY AM I STILL FAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!






I need to get away from all of this shit
Out of it all

x

[shadow-light]

the voices lie, ignore them. maybe drown them out with music?


you arre none of those negative thiongs

[brokenforever]

I have music on full blast, nothing I do like that blocks them out
They just get angryer and louder
The only way to stop them is to do something they want
:/
xxx

[butterflywithnowings]

mummy ilysfm
aye im no help
but never forget ily

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[brokenforever]

Daughter
ILY2
SM!!!!!
you are a big help

xxxxx