Graphic / Triggering - ***trigger pretty much everything***

[ladybug]

i cant fucking cope anymore
ok
i deserve to die
to be fucking murdered as brutially as possible
i should be dead!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i dont deserve to breathe the air everyone else does.

i deserved to be sexually abused at 8
i deserved to be sexually abused at 15
i deserved to be raped at 17
i deserved to be bullied my whole school life

i should have just killed myself when i was anorexic
i was fat i still am fat im huge, massive, desgusting and revolting
I AM DESGUSTING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I AM FAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I AM ICKY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I SHOULD BE DEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i hate this
im so grose

i deserve my dad shouting at me constantly
i should get much worse
people are too nice to me

i deserve to be able to feel them on me
to hear them
smell them
taste them
i deserved it all

I NEED TO CUT
I NEED TO FEEL THE METAL IN MY SKIN
I NEED TO FEEL THE BLOOD RUNNING DOWN MY ARM!!!!!!!!!!!!

i need it
i need to be treated badly so i know that i am a bad girl
because i am a bad girl
a very very very bad girl

I NEED TO DIE
I NEED TO BE THIN
TO JUST STOP EATING AGAIN
TO BE TREATED LIKE A BAD GIRL
I AM A BAD GIRL
VERY VERY VERY BAD GIRL
DESGUSTING
ICKY
GROSE
REVOLTING
FAT
BITCH
WHORE
SLUT
SLAG
IM HORRIBLE

i hate me
please let me die
i deserve to
please???


sorry for posting im sorry im such a fucking twat!

[shadow-light]

you do not deserve to die!!! you did not deserve all those things to happen.


you didn't ask to be abused, you didn't ask to be raped... you caused none of it...
you are not fat... you are not disgusting or bad or any of these htings you say



you are struggling, you were hurt by some awful people... you should not be getting punished this way for their crimes. you have to know that you deserve none of this.




you want to know what you DO deserve?

to be happy
to be healthy
to live

[ladybug]

thank you hazel.
but not everyone thinks there horible people one of thems on here and hes happy and has a gf

[shadow-light]

unfortunately sometimes it happens that way... the abuser gets away with it, but that doesn't mean that what they did was right... eventually he will slip up and people will realise who and what he really is

but it's best to try to distance yourself from them, seeing them having no remorse and having a seemingly normal life despite what they have done can be so distressing... but the fact that he shows no remorse just shows what an awful person he is

[ladybug]

i dont like posting on here cos im scared he'll read them but its the only support i have

[shadow-light]

ah I can understand that... for a while my abuser was on this site... it was very awkward... always feeling scared he might read things... or I might cause trouble...


but you deserve support. do you have any offline at all? you should be able to post if you want to, likelihood is he'l feel awkward too and won't read them. I know that isn't a certainty and won't fully remove the fear/anxiousness but you deserve support

[ladybug]

ive got a psych but i hardly see her because im being transferred into adult services

[Katiee]

Hun, you're none of those things. *HUGS* You didn't deserve any of this whatsoever. Is there anyone else you could see if you don't see your psych? Maybe a therapist? Also, if you're having the urge to cut use distractions, hunni. xo.

[ladybug]

destractions dont work :(
i did have a cbt theripist but i stopped seeing her because she told me i fluncked out of college when i chose to leave!

[DUNFERMLINEBOY]

Rachel hun you are none of these horrible things and you should know that by now!

Im no going to repeat what Hazels said because she's said it all and i've told you the same so many times! But don't call urself a whore or these other horrible things cos that just hurts the people that do care for you and who know that nothing could be further from the truth!

You deserve and as i have told you many, many times before i hoestly believe that you can and will go on to have a happy fulfiiling life, your multi talente wiht your art, your photography, your poems which blow people away and you're the most amazing friend ever, and ur latest pic shows ur talent for hair as well!

So all these losers ll fade away and your the one that ll be happy, cos despite outward appearances i casure you that they are not, because they are soulless empty people! People who in future that u won't even look twice at!

You stay strong! xx

[ladybug]

.....

[one_step_closer]

I'm sorry that you're feeling so distressed, having all of these thoughts, memories, and feelings must be so overwhelming. Sometimes we look for who is to blame for certain things happening and if we aren't able to punish the person who is really to blame those feelings can be transferred onto ourselves. I know that you feel that you are to blame, but maybe you could try to think about who else is to blame. If you are feeling angry then please work through it safely, maybe punch a pillow and rip up some paper. Do you think it might help to call a helpline? How long will it be before you see a therapist more regularly?

Please stay safe and take care of yourself. I'm here if you need anything.

[x_broken_hearted_x]

no one deserves to die or have any of those horrible things happen to them, its no youre fault, alot of people think that its there fault they got abused at a young age, i used to think that aswell, i used to think that i was asking for it and i must of wanted it, i do know how you feel hun, it is hard, abusers make there victims feel like this.All children need acceptance, love, encouragement, discipline, consistency and positive attention from their parents. Children who are denied these things often grow up thinking they are deficient in some way and that they somehow deserved to be treated badly and i thought exactly the same, no one desreves to be treated,abused neglected ect....we are all here for you hun.
Childhood Sexual Abuse is not something new it has gone on for generation upon generation and has been pushed "under the carpet" for years.
Many survivors have suffered since they were children, wondering who can they tell? and will they be believed?
You may have tried to tell people when you were younger and no one listened.
You may sometimes feel dirty and guilty and also want to harm yourself.
You can sometimes feel very small and that the world is a big hostile place with nowhere for you to be safe.
You may lack confidence and have low self esteem. thats what abusers expect us to be like and they know it will ruin our lives, it is hard making that first step and trying to overcome these feelings but it is hard and your strong hun and we are all here for you, no one desreves it and its NOT your fault they want to make us feel it is but its NOT

[ladybug]

why does it feel like my fault if its not?

[x_broken_hearted_x]

abusers make it feel like its your fault i dont know how they work or do it but thats the way that they play games on the mind, they do it with everyone and make us feel like its our fault and make us feel dirty ect.... but its NOT your fault at all