I was meant to be going to visit my parents today... I didn't want to, bu tthey are my parents... but I couldn't do it... I ended up ringing them and making an excuse... I am still making excuses and lying now... my mum thinks i am at the station trying to change the tickets (missed my train now) but I am not...
I know I should go... she started crying down the phone earlier... I said I can go another time, and I'll pay her back for the tickets...
I feel awful... I am an awful awful person... they are my parents... no matter how bad they make me feel when I am tehre I should go... I am such an awful evil person... hate myself right now... disapointed everyone... let everyone down... and lied...
sometimes you need to protect yourself, even if that means disappointing others. you are not an awful person, just a vulnerable one, and if you feel you wouldn't be able to cope then avoiding triggers is good and healthy.
maybe you could re-arrange for a shorter visit; like just a day without staying over? you could pretend that having missed this visit you don't have any big blocks of spare time coming up.
you're not a bad person at all! in some situations, like this, we have to put ourselves first, protect ourselves. and theres nothing bad in that
maybe arrange to see them some other time, when you're feeling more upto it and on ur terms
but you should not feel like an awful person cus u most certainly arent!
xxxx
By no means have you let ANYONE down. It's understandable that you feel like you have, because it was arranged and your mum was crying down the phone. Although, it must be bad for you to try and forget the guilt you feel and not go. You are not an awful person, you've proven that you're not simply by posting this and feeling bad. Would you feel this bad if you were avoiding a friend who made you feel like your family do? If not, then is there really much difference? Try to relax and calm down, what you did was an amazingly brave thing; as, from your reaction, it seems completely out of character and i'm sorry that you feel like this. Though you have no need, i promise.
maybe you could re-arrange for a shorter visit; like just a day without staying over? you could pretend that having missed this visit you don't have any big blocks of spare time coming up.
~yanna~
that would be the perfect solution but there is like 4oomiles between me and them... takes 5-6 hours by train to get there... so impractical, and they would never accept it...
I've promiced to go down during october... hopefully I'll be able to go through with it by then...
Shadow - that is such a difficult feeling. If you've had an awful time growing up with your parents you have to be in a very special place to be able to not fear going to stay with them.
They may not like it, but you do what you need to do. If they kick off about it, then maybe it still isn't the right time for you to go down and visit. It's so difficult...
Have you thought about taking a friend with you, for strength and courage and support and a buffer? They may not like that either, but if they want to see you then maybe they need to comprimise too.
Take care,
Chloe x
p.s You have let no-one down here.... at all!
We don't get given patience but the opportunity to be patient.
Courage isn't handed to us, but we are given opportunities to be courageous.
maybe explain the truth to your parents... if you cant do it figure out why and think if there is any way that you can do it... if not then honesty is the best policy. no point lying about it cuz eventually you will get found out.
