Psychological abuse towards children/my siblings, need advice
My dad is severely psychologically abusive. I have next to know memory of before the age of 16 when I still lived at home so I can't remember specific incidents but I know he's a dangerous character and the abuse was throughout my childhood and was severe. My parents were separated from my birth and my mum was not dependent on him in any way but continued to send me back to his house, alone, because she didn't think psychological abuse was abuse (she was sexually abused and only regards this type of abuse as actual abuse). My step mum came into the picture when I was 5, he was/is abusive towards her as well but she did nothing about it and colluded with him against me. They had two children, my sister is just 13 and my brother is 6.
After much persuasion, my step mum left, with the police, and took the kids with her when my sister was 8 so 5 years ago now. She told my dad what their address was all of three days into moving so he knew where they lived. He continued to abuse them from a distance. It went to court. CAFCASS asked my sister what she wanted and since them leaving she has gone between completely refusing to see him and agreeing to see him multiple times a week but refusing to sleep at his. The court ordered they have contact and my step mum feels she needs to enforce this. My brother has regular contact with him and sleeps there overnight. My dad is an alcoholic and drinks in the evening when he is alone with my brother. Social services aren't involved anymore.
I've called social services myself in the past, sought advice from people, talked to my step mum endlessly and done what I can to support my brother and sister. One issue is that I don't know how he treats them now. I don't have any clear memory of the abuse I suffered so I can't draw on examples but the fact it was so traumatic I don't remember any of it is concerning. The only thing I can remember is that he is cruel, manipulative, cunning, demeaning, dangerous, verbally aggressive. I have no idea if he treats my brother differently to my sister and me, but I suspect he does. My sister is very confused because she seems to really want a dad but also hates the way he treats her. He's cunning though so will persuade her with presents etc. She just wants a dad. I know he yells at her but I don't know much more than that. Any time I try and think about it my head starts to explode.
Because my sister is now 13 and a very strong willed character I don't know how to handle it. She knows how I feel about him but me saying that he is not a good person puts distance between us and she feels like she can't talk to me. I do all I can to keep my mental health and my past with him secret from her because she is very attached to me and I don't want her to feel responsible for me. I need her to make her own decisions about him and not just do it for me. At the same time I cannot sit back and watch my prick of a father treat my little sister like dirt and not do anything. It's a huge ask to expect a 13 year old to walk away from her father without any back up (she won't get any from her mum and I live in a different city, and I'm ill) so I feel like it should be me or social services that puts a stop to this but social services won't do anything and my step mum wouldn't be able to afford court bills and I don't have the power or strength. Beyond flat out telling my sister that she shouldn't see him anymore, which I feel like would be wrong and in a way me manipulating her, I don't know what I can do.
I have no clue whats going on with my brother or if anything needs to be done. Next to nothing I can do in that situation either.
What should I do? I know i'm ill and this is all wrapped up with my past, he is my dad after all, but I'm right in thinking it's wrong for me to just not do anything aren't I? Should I start putting pressure on my sister to not see him? Should I call social services? Do I just try and support her? Bare in mind she's still a kid. You don't know you're being abused until it's over. And then you've got years of crap to deal with. I can't let what happened to me happen to her.
Hi, it sounds like such a difficult place to be in. Psychological abuse can do so, so much damage, as you have experienced.
Could your sister get individual counselling/therapy, perhaps from somewhwere like Relate? It sounds like she needs to talk with an adult who's impartial so she can discuss the concerns we all have as children, between the abuse and not wanting to upset family members. If she had this space, she might be able to develop a more healthy sense of self and feel more empowered to make decisions in an environment that's supported.
She could also contact Childline (numbers don't show up on bills, I believe). You might be able to get some advice on her behalf and for you from Childline or the NSPCC.
i agree with the above about an impartical adult needed. The thing is if you keep telling her that he is a bad man she is un likely to talk to you abou tit as even if he is abusing her he is still her dad and she will still love him as a dad regardless of how he is with her. So if she thinks that you hate him she wont want to speak to you about him as she probably doesn't hate him. I am really not explaining this well... essentially I think she needs an impartical person to speak to, I think all you can do is make it clear that you are there for her if she needs it
Hi, it sounds like such a difficult place to be in. Psychological abuse can do so, so much damage, as you have experienced.
Could your sister get individual counselling/therapy, perhaps from somewhwere like Relate? It sounds like she needs to talk with an adult who's impartial so she can discuss the concerns we all have as children, between the abuse and not wanting to upset family members. If she had this space, she might be able to develop a more healthy sense of self and feel more empowered to make decisions in an environment that's supported.
She could also contact Childline (numbers don't show up on bills, I believe). You might be able to get some advice on her behalf and for you from Childline or the NSPCC.
Thank you <3
that's a good idea, I'll look into getting her counselling. Would it be inappropriate for me to speak to a counsellor i find her directly, or should i just leave it for her to talk to them? I think they might have counsellors at her school. i think another adult in the situation would be really helpful and would massively help me out as well because this situation is so triggering. i've mentioned childline to her before but she wasn't keen, I'll try again though. And I'll ring childline and NSPCC myself as well. I'm struggling right now but I'll try and get myself together and get on it. Thank you so much for the reply.
Quote:
Originally Posted by shadow-light
i agree with the above about an impartical adult needed. The thing is if you keep telling her that he is a bad man she is un likely to talk to you abou tit as even if he is abusing her he is still her dad and she will still love him as a dad regardless of how he is with her. So if she thinks that you hate him she wont want to speak to you about him as she probably doesn't hate him. I am really not explaining this well... essentially I think she needs an impartical person to speak to, I think all you can do is make it clear that you are there for her if she needs it
yes exactly, that is what i was worried about. thank you for the advice.
That's a good question. I've been thinking on it and I'm not sure. On one hand, your sister needs to feel safe to be as open as possible with her counsellor, and tell her story as she's experiencing it. On the other, she's a child and vulnerable. Maybe when you feel able to speak to Childline/NSPCC, you could write down a few questions to ask, and maybe that could be one?
Maybe have a chat with your sister about whether she'd prefer to speak to her school counsellor, or one from an outside organisation should an appropriate one be available (again, maybe Childline/NSPCC could advise on a suitable counselling organisation for children). Your sis might not yet feel able to discuss your/her dad, but might prefer to discuss other things around family/friendship dynamics, school, growing up etc until she develops a relationship with her counsellor.
Are you able to access any support for yourself through the CMHT or other organisations as all of these triggers, feelings of helplessness and responsibility are going to be causing you so much stress and worry too?
I have a certain degree of support but it's limited over the holidays. There is staff where I live but they don't understand much about my issues although we're trying, I don't have any therapy now for a while and crisis team aren't much use. I've tried calling them and staff where i live have rang them but there hasn't been much progress. Part of my crisis plan was to have an informal admission before I end up sectioned but they've basically said no to that so I'm trying to avoid sectioning right now. Christmas will be stressful because I'll be with the family. My therapist is away for a month.
I'm just going to copy and paste what I wrote in my r&v. I still plan on calling NSPCC but social services have been notified. I just wanted to bump and update:
“My sister facetimed me.
We chatted for an hour.
I can't tell you the relief of having proper contact with her and a proper chat.
Everything is out in the open now.
I explained to her that I've never talked her to about my mental health before because I wanted to protect her but it's got the point where I feel like it's a disservice to her to not say anything.
She is very receptive and mature, very emotionally aware and generally a strong character despite being 13.
I told her about being in hospital, showed her round my room, told her what it's like here (within reason).
We talked about how she can talk to me any time but maybe having someone impartial to speak to about things would help.
She said she knows more about mental health than I realise, that she talks to her friends about it and they've covered it in school.
I talked to her about childline.
We shared are sadness that we weren't together at Christmas time but that I would see her in a couple of weeks when we go to her granny's house.
I tried to reassure her that I would be Ok, I would be in hospital a couple of weeks and then at the day hospital.
A nice nurse that I know well came in to mention meds when I was facetiming her and Jess said hello to her (she's a lovely nurse who knows me well) and the nurse said Jess seemed very old her for age and very confident.
I said would come up to Newcastle when I could and say said that she would wait to her get ear pierced with me rather than getting it done with her mum.
She was honest and open about her feelings.
It very much felt like I was talking to my sister.
She talked about her friends and the counsellor at school.
She said that the counsellor was good but making the first step was hard which I acknowledged.
She wants someone to talk to regularly so I said I would talk to her mum about it and see what we can do. I don't want money to be an issue in the matter, we'll help pay for it if I can.
I'm sure there are services that can help her, I'll look into it tomorrow.
We were supportive of each other, it was contained, I tried to be honest but not worry her.
We talked about the presents we got.
She's a strong kid and I do my best too.
We listened to each other.
I almost felt like she was safe in my hands. And in her own.
Although I can't stop her having contact with our dad I can support her to make her own decisions.
I made it clear that I'm here to protect her but she is also her own person and needs to make her own decisions.
I love her dearly, and she does too.
She rang me off her own back and was clearly comfortable doing so.
The door has been opened. We said goodnight and she said she would text me tomorrow. She's safe.”
