i'm losing it again... fuck. i can never hold a normal job. just got a great new promotion. and already i can't handle it. had to call in sick yesterday. today was ok, but barely got up, almost fell asleep at the wheel, felt like cutting all day. was so depressed/anxious last night. been getting paranoid, dissociating, hearing things. my bf is having severe psych issues too... i just know i'm gonna lose it again and not be able to keep my job. i can't have school, and now not even a low paying job! what is wrong with me? why can't i cope? i don't want to stop working, but i can barely make myself go some days! and my job requires full attention every day (i'm a baker). it's the coolest job ever and i'm gonna lose it! as always! idk. i just feel like i'm drifiting out of reality like never before and also going back to the disabling depression. and i don't know how to stop it. i take my meds. i told my counselor everything. hell, i even printed out several posts i made on here. how do i make this stop??? i get paranoid, a lot. i have weird urges to take off and go places i've never been, using up all my savings if i were to do so. i'm scared i'm gonna either be unable to work for the rest of my life or in a hospital forever. i can't ever go back to the hospital. they treated me horrible last time. and now that i have a bf i hate being away from him. i'm not really suicidal. but i feel i don't have control over my mind anymore. and i'm so scared for my job in all of this. finally moving up, getting a job i LIKE. and as always, it gets ripped from under me.
