losing it
 

i'm losing it again... fuck. i can never hold a normal job. just got a great new promotion. and already i can't handle it. had to call in sick yesterday. today was ok, but barely got up, almost fell asleep at the wheel, felt like cutting all day. was so depressed/anxious last night. been getting paranoid, dissociating, hearing things. my bf is having severe psych issues too... i just know i'm gonna lose it again and not be able to keep my job. i can't have school, and now not even a low paying job! what is wrong with me? why can't i cope? i don't want to stop working, but i can barely make myself go some days! and my job requires full attention every day (i'm a baker). it's the coolest job ever and i'm gonna lose it! as always! idk. i just feel like i'm drifiting out of reality like never before and also going back to the disabling depression. and i don't know how to stop it. i take my meds. i told my counselor everything. hell, i even printed out several posts i made on here. how do i make this stop??? i get paranoid, a lot. i have weird urges to take off and go places i've never been, using up all my savings if i were to do so. i'm scared i'm gonna either be unable to work for the rest of my life or in a hospital forever. i can't ever go back to the hospital. they treated me horrible last time. and now that i have a bf i hate being away from him. i'm not really suicidal. but i feel i don't have control over my mind anymore. and i'm so scared for my job in all of this. finally moving up, getting a job i LIKE. and as always, it gets ripped from under me. :crying:

my bf kinda knows. and my case management situation is being vastly improved.

there's no way i can talk to my boss. i already was in the hospital once while employed there. and i've been discriminated against in another employment situation cause of mh issues. plus this is like a big responsibility they just gave me, so they'd just say i wasn't ready. it's kinda an all or nothing position unfortunately.

Aww sweet. I don't know what to say, but this must be horrible. *HUGS* Please don't harm yourself as this will not make anything better, only wrose. Keep yourself busy, if possible. Take care. xo.

i did cut. sorry. i feel bad coming on here reading everyone's support realizing i just cut 15 minutes before logging on. but it wasn't bad. my bf will be mad. well sad more like it. but at least i'm telling people what's going on, so that helps.