Triggering (SI/Suicide) - I thought it would be different

[ThanatosJSJ]

I really did think it would be different. The past several days have been what I am used to. Severe depression, no triggers, just severe depression. Moments of nothing, then back to the severe depression. Now, somehow now, it is different

I don't feel as depressed as I was earlier, but . . .

I think that I am more dangerous now than before, I have the energy that I lacked earlier, I have the knowledge, the means, the apathy. My previous attempts when I was younger were fueled by depression and anger, rage beating the sapping energy.

Why is this different, is it more dangerous? I have spent the day trying to focus on getting back, but now, now, . . .

I don't get it, the depression is there, but there is something else, something much darker. I have not been down that path in a long time, maybe it is time to travel it again, will I survive? I hope not.

[Stellata]

You can use that energy to help pull you back to safety. It can be re-directed. To start with, be with the feelings. Accept them as feelings, as a state of mind - but not something that has to be acted on. Get help. Speak with someone. See your doctor. This doesn't have to be forever, moods can change and shift, back to a lighter state of mind. The shadows won't go away forever, and nor should they. But they don't have to consume you always.

[Mors Certa]

Your choice, follow the darkness, or call your doctor.