I thought it would be different
 

I really did think it would be different. The past several days have been what I am used to. Severe depression, no triggers, just severe depression. Moments of nothing, then back to the severe depression. Now, somehow now, it is different

I don't feel as depressed as I was earlier, but . . .

I think that I am more dangerous now than before, I have the energy that I lacked earlier, I have the knowledge, the means, the apathy. My previous attempts when I was younger were fueled by depression and anger, rage beating the sapping energy.

Why is this different, is it more dangerous? I have spent the day trying to focus on getting back, but now, now, . . .

I don't get it, the depression is there, but there is something else, something much darker. I have not been down that path in a long time, maybe it is time to travel it again, will I survive? I hope not.

You can use that energy to help pull you back to safety. It can be re-directed. To start with, be with the feelings. Accept them as feelings, as a state of mind - but not something that has to be acted on. Get help. Speak with someone. See your doctor. This doesn't have to be forever, moods can change and shift, back to a lighter state of mind. The shadows won't go away forever, and nor should they. But they don't have to consume you always.

Your choice, follow the darkness, or call your doctor.