god, this is crazy. this time last week i'd just come out of hospital after OD'ing. now the feelings i had then are coming back.
i don't understand. i've got a lot to look forward to. but i just don't care about anything right now. i've gone since thursday without cutting, but the urge to SH is over-powering me.
i just don't understand what's happening to me. why can't i control my emotions any more?
i'm sorry for posting. just don't know where to go from here.
lots of love
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"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars"
- Oscar Wilde
i'm seeing my college counsellor tomorrow. i've only seen him once before and it did help but talking about everything is so hard. the hospital have reffered me to a counsellor at my local gp practise but it's two weeks till i see her.
i don't know how to hold on that long. 2 weeks seems lke forever.
i don't know why i feel this way. i just feel like i want to cause myself pain. i deserve it
"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars"
- Oscar Wilde
i've told her that i'm not ok but i guess i'll have to wait n tell the counsellor.
i don't know, i'm just disgusting. i feel like a waste ofspace. for example, i've always been good at schoolwork but now even that's slipping cause i can't concentrate.
and my mood swings are ridiculous. i'm full of so much anger. everything frustrates me, i don't want to become a bitch.
maybe if i take it out on myself i won'thave to take it out on others
"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars"
- Oscar Wilde
i guess i'llspeak to the counsellor at the gp place an see what she says.
it's just such a scary thought.i have a big thing with control(that's one of the reasons i SH), and having to go on meds makes me feel like i can't control myself any more.
i've g2g, thanks for the support <3
speak soon
xx
"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars"
- Oscar Wilde
Meds should be able to help you control yourself more and give you more control over your mood...
I agree with Trace there. Medication can help balance your brain chemistry enough to give some space between your thoughts, feelings and actions, breathing space to think before you act. Therapy and counselling can help you observe what's happening in your mind, and give you alternative coping strategies.
Medication doesn't fix everything, but it's another tool in helping you to reach for healthier and safer ways of responding to your difficult feelings.
aw hayley, are you ok hun? have you seen the counsellor? how did it go? i'm so sorry you are feeling like this again ;o( whatever you do, please don't od again ~ you know you admitted last time that that was a cry for help, and thew help is becoming available for you now, you will start to feel better, i promise.. i sympathise with you, because i feel EXACTLY the same as you - i have had a good upbringing, have a gorge hubbie, beautiful babies, but i totally loathe and despise myself, i always have. sometimes i feel physically sick just looking in the mirror and have often thought of just ripping my face off ~ obviously not a good idea, and actually a horrendous thought, but it actually took someone here at ryl to tell me that low self esteem is VERY dangerous and can escalate quickly. so feeling low and loathsome of yourself, wanting to hurt yourself etc, is a very real mental illness, and i strongly recommend you ask your gp for some medication, it's not being defeatist, it's being positive!! good luck hun, keep safe xxxxx
i saw the college counsellor yesterday and he started putting things into perspective a bit, he was taking all my negative thoughts and helpin me to turn them around into positive ones. i feel ok at the moment but i have no idea how long this good mood will last.
thanks for the comments guys, it means a lot to me.
ruthy- i'm here for you too hunny. ly lots.
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"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars"
- Oscar Wilde
hi hun, wanting to say that i hope your positive mood lasts ~ it's great that you feel the counsellor put things into perspective, they do help if you find the right one! you've taken the first step to getting better, and although this 'up' might not last long, you will learn, as have i, how to handle things a bit better when you're on a downer. proud of you girl! please pm me ANYTIME xxxxxxxxxxxxx
