can't control my moods
 

god, this is crazy. this time last week i'd just come out of hospital after OD'ing. now the feelings i had then are coming back.

i don't understand. i've got a lot to look forward to. but i just don't care about anything right now. i've gone since thursday without cutting, but the urge to SH is over-powering me.

i just don't understand what's happening to me. why can't i control my emotions any more?

i'm sorry for posting. just don't know where to go from here.

lots of love
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

i'm seeing my college counsellor tomorrow. i've only seen him once before and it did help but talking about everything is so hard. the hospital have reffered me to a counsellor at my local gp practise but it's two weeks till i see her.

i don't know how to hold on that long. 2 weeks seems lke forever.

i don't know why i feel this way. i just feel like i want to cause myself pain. i deserve it

i just can't cope right now. it's easier to take it out on myself. and i deserve to be in pain.

i will try and talk to him about this. i'm not in immediate danger in that i'm not gonna do anything drastic 2nite. but i just need to cut.......

my mom is proud of me cause i haven't SH'd since thursday. but i don't deserve her praise because i feel so down........

i've told her that i'm not ok but i guess i'll have to wait n tell the counsellor.

i don't know, i'm just disgusting. i feel like a waste ofspace. for example, i've always been good at schoolwork but now even that's slipping cause i can't concentrate.

and my mood swings are ridiculous. i'm full of so much anger. everything frustrates me, i don't want to become a bitch.

maybe if i take it out on myself i won'thave to take it out on others

no, i'm scared of going on meds. i don't want everyone that knows me to think i'm mad. i don't wan them to think any worse of me.

my family already think i'm crazy cause of the OD.

yeah i'm 16.

i guess i'llspeak to the counsellor at the gp place an see what she says.

it's just such a scary thought.i have a big thing with control(that's one of the reasons i SH), and having to go on meds makes me feel like i can't control myself any more.

i've g2g, thanks for the support <3

speak soon
xx

I agree with Trace there. Medication can help balance your brain chemistry enough to give some space between your thoughts, feelings and actions, breathing space to think before you act. Therapy and counselling can help you observe what's happening in your mind, and give you alternative coping strategies.
Medication doesn't fix everything, but it's another tool in helping you to reach for healthier and safer ways of responding to your difficult feelings.

chin up hayley ;o)
 

aw hayley, are you ok hun?
have you seen the counsellor? how did it go?
i'm so sorry you are feeling like this again ;o(
whatever you do, please don't od again ~ you know you admitted last time that that was a cry for help, and thew help is becoming available for you now, you will start to feel better, i promise..
i sympathise with you, because i feel EXACTLY the same as you - i have had a good upbringing, have a gorge hubbie, beautiful babies, but i totally loathe and despise myself, i always have. sometimes i feel physically sick just looking in the mirror and have often thought of just ripping my face off ~ obviously not a good idea, and actually a horrendous thought, but it actually took someone here at ryl to tell me that low self esteem is VERY dangerous and can escalate quickly.
so feeling low and loathsome of yourself, wanting to hurt yourself etc, is a very real mental illness, and i strongly recommend you ask your gp for some medication, it's not being defeatist, it's being positive!!
good luck hun, keep safe xxxxx

;o)
 

hi hun, wanting to say that i hope your positive mood lasts ~ it's great that you feel the counsellor put things into perspective, they do help if you find the right one!
you've taken the first step to getting better, and although this 'up' might not last long, you will learn, as have i, how to handle things a bit better when you're on a downer.
proud of you girl!:thumbup:
please pm me ANYTIME
xxxxxxxxxxxxx

i guess it is worth discussing meds with the counsellor, because i'm so sick of feeling this way :(

thanks for the reply hun, hope ur ok.

lots of love
xxxxxxxxxxxxx