Thoughts of a fool

[koolaid]

Hi
I'm new on hear and don't really know what to say. I mean I want to say a million things, things that I have never ever said aloud to anyone before, but...I don't know what to say. I've just been sat reading everyones posts for the last few hours, and I'm forcing myself to post something, just to get the ball rolling. I don't want to waste anyones time. I'm scared to talk about it, I never have before. Not in 7 years. I have nothing but respect for you all, reading somethings on here, I just cant even get my head around it.

Basicly I want to talk about what happened to me to two people I would trust with my life, I know they will listen and to some extent they will understand, I just keep backing out because I have kept it a secret for so long. I think I just need help working up the courage to talk about it. And knowing how to start the conversation!

Thanks for reading this.

K

[Spoons]

Its hard to talk about things, that you have kept secret for so long.
I hope it goes well talking to your friends.

if you need to talk or anything just pm me.
Hope your ok
amy
xxx

[kona]

*gives cookies* you've done really well for posting here =]. If you need any help or just want to talk to anyone, you can always drop me a PM. hope your ok *hugs*

[green.eyes]

could you write them a letter explaining what happened and hand it to them?
or if not then tell them there's something you need to tell them but aren't sure how, that way they'll keep asking you about it and you'll be more inclined to tell them.
welcome to ryl
take care
*hugs*

[koolaid]

Hey everyone.
Thank you all so much for replying/reading. It feels like the first time anyone has ever taken an interest.

It is hard, I thought about writing a letter, I did that to explain why I ended up in hospital after not eating properly. But I need to talk, I need to say the words aloud, and I need to hear first hand a response from someone. I need to be brave. I just need to take a deep brath, make the plunge and just spit it out. The weirdest thing is, I feel very protective over it, I have a certain prospective, and don't want it clouded or muddled, and don't really want to let it go to any one else. Even though I know that to get better, to really get over it, I have to try the one thing I never have done, and talk about it. My mood changes so much, sometimes I don't want to let it go at all, and I get all confused. I'm so used to not been OK that I'm actually scared of been Ok. Does that make sense?

[ghosts in the machine]

You make perfect sense. Being scared of being "OK" is perfectly logical; while we know that we 'should' be trying to get better, there's a comfort, a sense of the familiar, in not being "OK". Yes, things as they are now aren't really fun, or good, or positive - but we are terrified of the unknown, even if it means the possibility of things being better than it is now.