Hey, you.
First off, please stop apologising. Everybody deserves help when they feel low, and you're certainly no exception. In fact, I've seen you around the boards a lot as a helpful, kind and caring person.
I'm glad that you finally feel like you can talk to us, and I hope that in some small way, getting it all off your chest has helped you. It *is* quite a long post - not that that's a bad thing in any way, but to make this reply a little clearer, and so that I can write everything I need to, I'm going to quote sections - if that's okay?
I binged for a few days and now I'm not eating and either way I hate myself for it. I desperately want to lose weight, and I'm terrified that I may not have enough self control to do that anymore.
I can so, so relate to that. Remember, though, that binging and then starving can often be a vicious circle, and it's not a good habit to fall into. If you really feel like you have to lose weight, then please try and do so through healthy methods. I'm sure you've heard all about the risks of eating disorders, and that you know they can be fatal - please, please be careful.
I think I may have just expected too much, and when my recovery wasn't going as well as I had hoped I began to ignore everything.
Baby steps, sweetheart. You can't expect everything to suddenly turn around overnight - as great as that would be, things just don't work like that. Don't expect too much from yourself. Set yourself little goals and, where self-injury is concerned, the 15-minute game works wonders [I'm assuming you know what it is; if not, don't hesitate to ask. I don't want to have to explain it unnecessarily *grin*]. Keep yourself distracted as much as possible, keep posting,
believe in yourself, constantly remind yourself of all the reasons that you're trying to recover, and you'll find that it'll come much easier than you think.
my roommate has seen my computer screen- ugh i DON'T want to have to worry about how much she saw!
I feel for you, lovey. I know how annoyingly worrying it is when someone sees something that you don't want them to - *especially* when you're not sure how much! Could you possibly ask her if she actually read anything? Even if she did, it's probably not as bad as you'd think.
When anyone sneezes or coughs or clears their throat or does anything that my dad does all the time (why won't he admit he has allergies!?) I think of my dad doing them. That reminds me of being sexually abused by someone else.
I loathe myself for feeling it all over again.
That does sound extremely difficult to deal with, sweetie. Does anyone know about this [i.e. your tutor or somebody else] - and, also, does your dad know? I'm not too sure what to suggest, except for counselling. Possibly CBT [cognitive behavioural therapy]? You can't help feeling the way you do - you're not choosing to feel like this; so please don't hate yourself for it.
I know this sounds weird, but half the time it seems like I'm viewing everything through a camera lense- like it's not me- it's someone else- even someone else talking to people and walking around.
That doesn't sound weird at all, and I know where you're coming from. It's not uncommon to feel like you're not in your own body, and it does pass. If you're worried though, again, I'd suggest counselling - and for the voices, as the above poster said.
I hope that this reply made sense! Good luck with everything, and I'm only a PM away if you want a chat.
) I want this to end, but i don't even know how to figure out what's wrong!
