At least I can talk now *SI/ED/sexual abuse trigger*
 

Another pointless post (even more so than the last few)

I felt bad asking for help for the last few days because there's really nothing that's happened. I've just been so confused and everything is out of control. I can't even think about it. I couldn't even write that I couldn't think about it. I couldn't do much of anything. I thought things were getting better. I finally started taking an antidepressant and I sorta took the summer off. A few things with my parents worked out- or at least they stopped nagging me. Then everything spun out of control for no apparent reason. I kept cutting and I binged for a few days and now I'm not eating and either way I hate myself for it. I desperately want to lose weight, and I'm terrified that I may not have enough self control to do that anymore. I really don't know why this is happening. I think I may have just expected too much, and when my recovery wasn't going as well as I had hoped I began to ignore everything. (and now my roommate has seen my computer screen- ugh i DON'T want to have to worry about how much she saw!) I really don't know what to do. I'm still confused. I still can't think about it. I still wanna cut. Even if I accept that I'm not going to overcome all of this quickly and realize that it's ok if I slip up, it's still the same. I'm so so desperately confused, but at least I'm not triggered now. I feel like I'm in a fog. Something seems terribly wrong, but I have no clue what it is, and I can't even think about it to try to figure it out! This is all really weird because I normally think all of the time about everything.

On top of that I really don't wanna go to class again tomorrow. I have to because attendance is required. When anyone sneezes or coughs or clears their throat or does anything that my dad does all the time (why won't he admit he has allergies!?) I think of my dad doing them. That reminds me of being sexually abused by someone else. I don't wanna try to talk about that now. I hate myself for associating my dad with him, but I can't think about it now. When I hear those things I feel him touching me again. It breaks me. The only reason I can deal with it is because I have no choice. I loathe myself for feeling it all over again. I wanna feel clean for once. I don't remember how I managed to get through highschool- I can't fathom spending seven hours a day with other people now- I don't even like six hours a week. I have to go tomorrow and sit through this again. I can't stand it! I can't think about any of this any longer.

I don't know what else is wrong. I think there's something... obviously there are a lot of things, but I think there's something more pressing, I just can't think and remember what it is. I hate being so out of control! All I wanted was control. I don't have much now. I can't handle this! I have no idea why this is happening. I know this sounds weird, but half the time it seems like I'm viewing everything through a camera lense- like it's not me- it's someone else- even someone else talking to people and walking around. I sorta have been hearing voices too- which really scares me- i swear i'm not insane! I know they aren't real, but I hear them. They've been getting worse lately. It's mostly just chatter- like i'm in a noisy room, but at times i can pick out specific voices talking about random things- things i hadn't been thinking about. This use to happen all the time, but a few years ago it stopped happening as much, and now it's starting again. The voices themselves don't bother me too much- it just gets kinda tiring- but the fact that i hear them scares me. And i keep hearing people yelling my name when no one's there! I don't know what to do.

This is so unusual for me! I usually NEVER stop thinking! (in fact, i recently had to take a Myers-Brigg personality type test, and i got "The Thinker" :-D) I want this to end, but i don't even know how to figure out what's wrong!

Thanks for reading all of that- I know it's long! I'm sorry- I know there are other people who have much bigger problems... i just don't know what else to do now. Thanks!

wow hunni, thats a lot to deal with.
i know what you mean about seeing things through a camera lense. i tend to distance myself from things that are painful or just too much as a way to cope.
are you seeing anyone about the voices? that can really help.
please look after yourself
x x x

Hey, you.

First off, please stop apologising. Everybody deserves help when they feel low, and you're certainly no exception. In fact, I've seen you around the boards a lot as a helpful, kind and caring person.

I'm glad that you finally feel like you can talk to us, and I hope that in some small way, getting it all off your chest has helped you. It *is* quite a long post - not that that's a bad thing in any way, but to make this reply a little clearer, and so that I can write everything I need to, I'm going to quote sections - if that's okay?

I can so, so relate to that. Remember, though, that binging and then starving can often be a vicious circle, and it's not a good habit to fall into. If you really feel like you have to lose weight, then please try and do so through healthy methods. I'm sure you've heard all about the risks of eating disorders, and that you know they can be fatal - please, please be careful.

Baby steps, sweetheart. You can't expect everything to suddenly turn around overnight - as great as that would be, things just don't work like that. Don't expect too much from yourself. Set yourself little goals and, where self-injury is concerned, the 15-minute game works wonders [I'm assuming you know what it is; if not, don't hesitate to ask. I don't want to have to explain it unnecessarily *grin*]. Keep yourself distracted as much as possible, keep posting, believe in yourself, constantly remind yourself of all the reasons that you're trying to recover, and you'll find that it'll come much easier than you think.

I feel for you, lovey. I know how annoyingly worrying it is when someone sees something that you don't want them to - *especially* when you're not sure how much! Could you possibly ask her if she actually read anything? Even if she did, it's probably not as bad as you'd think.

That does sound extremely difficult to deal with, sweetie. Does anyone know about this [i.e. your tutor or somebody else] - and, also, does your dad know? I'm not too sure what to suggest, except for counselling. Possibly CBT [cognitive behavioural therapy]? You can't help feeling the way you do - you're not choosing to feel like this; so please don't hate yourself for it.

That doesn't sound weird at all, and I know where you're coming from. It's not uncommon to feel like you're not in your own body, and it does pass. If you're worried though, again, I'd suggest counselling - and for the voices, as the above poster said.

I hope that this reply made sense! Good luck with everything, and I'm only a PM away if you want a chat.

thank you so much! i can't think much again... but thanks!

Anytime, my lovely. Keep posting as much as you need.