Im really sorry to post. I just need some one to say something. Anything. I dunno.
A couple of months back i got a letter saying my IB will end and i will change to ESA. Id read the horror stories about the forms and medicals. It shook me up and sent me a bit loopy.
It took me until the deadline to call them for even just the form. then i got the form and i just couldnt look at it. Im at mums now and she helped me fill it in yesterday. Id felt sick all week worrying. Yesterday was awful. It took me 5 hours amist panicing and crying.
I feel a terrible fraud. I cant stop my head telling me this. I cant stop feeling sick and anxious that they are going to call my bluff and realise im lying about my condition.
Ive been told by at least 5 people to say how it is on a bad day when im affected so i did. but i feel im cheating. Im loads better than i was and i have good days now. I can do things and do do things. I feel im just hiding behind old illness so i dont have to face stuff. I feel they will know im cheating and ill be taken off benefit and forced to sign on.
Im scared because i use almost all the money i get now on my therapy. the rest is for my car to get me there and my phone. Thats ALL of it gone! 75% goes on paying for my treatment.
I dont feel a single bit better for completing the form. I feel sick about the medical. I feel sick im going to be interogated.
People are saying im not lying or cheating and im still ill but i dont feel like i did when i warranted to be off sick. Ive cried so much this weekend.
Ive cried today so many times and i dont know why. Ive wanted to die so many times. I cant lift my mood at all. But i CAN do stuff. But my head is going round in circles and things people say to try and be nice seem to not go in.
Im not sure what im posting. I feel a mess. I feel such a fraud. I dont want to fraud people. I so wish i could cut myself. Ive thought about it all the time. I want to when my cast is off on Wednesday. I have daydreams about it.
I feel really down and i cant stop the panic. Im so scared of whats going to happen to me. I would love to die! I just need the strength.
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
Matthew, try not to worry.
Do you feel well enough to hold down a job right now?
If you were having a reasonable or bad day, would you be able to get up and work 6 or 7 hours without it leading to your mental state deteriorating again?
If the answer is no, then you are fully within your rights to claim benefits.
If it really bothers you, could you think about volunteering in a charity shop one or two mornings a week to help you feel like you are at least trying to build up to working again one day?
Matthew, if you read some of your posts in this thread http://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum...=169847&page=2
it shows that yes youve made some improvement, but youre still struggling and youre still unwell and not ready for work. I know how you feel in that i had to fill my DLA form as if i was having the worst day ever and its not nice seeing it in writing and you dont feel good about yourself. But right now you have to look after yourself...ive tired work twice now and both times ended in a breakdown...you dont want that. Please dont feel guilty or bad about the form, you have done the right thing xx
Matthew, think of it like stepping stones on a lake. You were trying to get from one shore to the other. You can't walk on just the water without falling in and potentially drowning. You need to make steps on the little stones until you get across. Stone one - you get signed off work. Stone two - IB and treatment. Stone three - ESA and continuing treatment. Etc, etc. Until eventually, finally you are at the other shore safe and sound and ready to work again. The point of the seeming ramble is that you need to do baby steps. If you rush and try to cross without all the gradual steps you could very well "fall in" and not make it to the other "shore".
*hugs much* Hope that makes some sense. Just a PM away if you need.
I was lei'd in vets! ***** Proud Plumeria Sister!
"He said look inside your heart/ And you'll see stars/ Falling stars/ Look, deep into my eyes/ Don't look down/ Or you'll fall, he said/ Here, the sky goes on forever"
I don't know what IB and ESA stand for, but it sounds like you have had a bit of a shock and are feeling panicked and maybe a bit like your life is out of your control?
I think it's about work, so could you do some volunteering that would make you feel more worthwhile?
Even as the stone of the fruit must break
that its heart may stand in the sun,
so must you know pain.
There are only two ways in which one can live their life. One is as though nothing is a miracle, the other is as though everything is.
They review my disability every year and I feel guilty and I have that sick feeling because I know I'm much better than before...but the docs still say I'm not ready. I was a productive member of society up until....well, everything turned upside down.
Try not to worry. One day you will return to what you think is "ok". I know you feel it is now. But take some more time. Continue in your therapy and see how things go.
It's only a form and I seriously doubt there will be any interrogation.
Just wanted to say you are not cheating and it's okay to ask for help and admit when you are struggling. I agree with the others, perhaps volunteering one day a week might be benificial to you.
Sorry, I don't think I can say anymore than what the others have, but I hope this panic and worry eases off, because you are not a fraud, and if you are unable to work right now then that is ok because your health is far more important right now. Take care.xx
I'm on ESA and I feel the same when it comes to the medical. I think I'll fail and everyone will think I'm okay to work and was making a fuss over nothing. You're not lying or cheating.
I realise some people have trouble with the medicals, I've heard horror stories about them too. I've had three so far (I've been having ESA for three years) and I've had no problems with the medicals so far.
Sorry if this is stuff you already know, I just thought I'd mention this. You have to fit into descriptors that they have to be considered to have a limited capability for work (in which case you'd get ESA) If you score 15 points or more you'd be considered as having a limited capability for work. Details of points and descriptors are here, from page 4 http://www.legislation.gov.uk/uksi/2.../made/data.pdf
It's horrible that these medicals have such an effect like this, causing so much worry and anxiety. But even if the medical doesn't go well you can always appeal any decision they make.
After having spent a rough year waiting for an IB appeal to come through on JSA (and hating every second of having to go to the jobcenter, even though they put no pressure on me to actually look for work because of how I was when they saw me), I'm scared of being bounced onto ESA too.
I hate medicals. Even the IB ones are lacking considering the appeal I just went through (I was successful and put back on IB). By a form I read earlier today from the government website, they're still looking for the same things in ESA to decide if you can work or not. Just be sure that whenever you talk to them, you give them your worst days and not your best.
ESA has been complained about a lot, I'm not looking forward to having to deal with it.
I agree with everything everyone has already said about not being a fraud or anything like that.
There are a lot of horror stories out there but I just wanted to say that my actual medical was fine. I was in there less than ten minutes, probably not even five and got put into the 'support group' straight away. The woman also walked me out and offered to wait with me until my lift (who was a HTT worker at the time) came back because she could tell I was really upset and wound up.
Try not to panic, could you maybe get someone to come with your for the assessment even if they just sit in the waiting room?
Try not to panic, could you maybe get someone to come with your for the assessment even if they just sit in the waiting room?
This is a good point, you're entitled to have someone with you, Partner/Wife/Husband etc a friend, family member, a CPN/Social worker etc. I've found it makes it easier to have someone with me.
