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Slipping
I don't know what to say here. It's not easy to say that I haven't been to this board in over a year, and that I thought I'd moved on from the idea of self-harm.
In 2008, I was a sophmore in college. I lived with 5 roomates, went to classes for a major that I despised, and all-around hated my life. I had nowhere to run, nowhere to retreat to, and I started cutting for some reason. I did it every full moon, thinking that it might somehow appease a god or goddess who might smile on me someday.
Of course, I realize how insane that must sound. Monthly blood rituals and sky worship. I'm an atheist now, and that certainly hasn't slipped. But my foundation of comfort has.
I finished college three months ago. About a month ago, I found a job near my home town. I moved back into my parents house and I now work full time. And I've never been more miserable, more despressed or closer to considering the impossible.
I can't bear to think that the rest of my life will be spent doing this 8 hour a day marathon of protocol adherence and sucking up to the boss. I want to be a writer. I want to be creative, to inspire others, and instead I'm working as a bench scientist, making decent money and slowly strangling whats left of my soul.
I just don't know what I can do, where I can turn. I have no shoulder to cry on-- my father, my brothers, they're all weighed down with their own problems. They cry harder than me, they can't listen and I can't deal with their problems right now. I just don't know how I can go on living like this. I know I could quit my job tomorrow, but what about the future? Won't it be even worse than right now, if I can't find a decent job?
If you made it this far, thanks for listening. I'm drunk and deflated and holding a knife, but I don't think I'm about to use it.
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