Slipping
 

I don't know what to say here. It's not easy to say that I haven't been to this board in over a year, and that I thought I'd moved on from the idea of self-harm.

In 2008, I was a sophmore in college. I lived with 5 roomates, went to classes for a major that I despised, and all-around hated my life. I had nowhere to run, nowhere to retreat to, and I started cutting for some reason. I did it every full moon, thinking that it might somehow appease a god or goddess who might smile on me someday.

Of course, I realize how insane that must sound. Monthly blood rituals and sky worship. I'm an atheist now, and that certainly hasn't slipped. But my foundation of comfort has.

I finished college three months ago. About a month ago, I found a job near my home town. I moved back into my parents house and I now work full time. And I've never been more miserable, more despressed or closer to considering the impossible.

I can't bear to think that the rest of my life will be spent doing this 8 hour a day marathon of protocol adherence and sucking up to the boss. I want to be a writer. I want to be creative, to inspire others, and instead I'm working as a bench scientist, making decent money and slowly strangling whats left of my soul.

I just don't know what I can do, where I can turn. I have no shoulder to cry on-- my father, my brothers, they're all weighed down with their own problems. They cry harder than me, they can't listen and I can't deal with their problems right now. I just don't know how I can go on living like this. I know I could quit my job tomorrow, but what about the future? Won't it be even worse than right now, if I can't find a decent job?

If you made it this far, thanks for listening. I'm drunk and deflated and holding a knife, but I don't think I'm about to use it.

I'm sooo sorry you are feeling so trapped and hemmed in. But don't give up. With a decent job you have possibilities and a future. Writing is something you can do on the side and build a decent career at that way. In fact that's how most successful writers start! I know... I've looked into this. You could get a copy of the Writers Market by Robert Brewer and start submitting articles and pieces to all sorts of places for publication! I did that and got paid for some of my work before I decided on another career path. I'm in school right now because my old job there was no opportunities available and I couldn't find a job. Now that is called being trapped. No money, no freedom. Family to support. I really feel for you. I've experienced and still struggle with the depression and I've done the drinking and knife thing. You're in pain and want an alternative. Please don't use the knife. You have a great future ahead. I believe in you.

Oh dear, it sounds like you're having a really awful time. I'm not sure I can add anything to what Rachel put, but you can get through this.

How are you doing at the moment?