Originally Posted by
lozza
yeh I guess so... I am just not sure anymore :(
I did walk out on my counsellor a few weeks back but we spoke about it on monday and now I am trying really hard to keep talking but its just so damn hard.
I am going to see my piggies new carer on sat whilst his at work in the pet shop so hopefully that will go ok? :s
I am trying as hard as I can its just really hard and especially as my meds are also being played with atm
I am trying to be strong but fear I wont be able to be for much longer...
You don't need to "be stronger" imo. There is a difference between trying to be better - and stopping things than make things bad. If you hate yourself - and you say you do - you will be blocking yourself from the bright side of the psyche - and the dark side gets darker.
The mind is kind of like a radio that can be tuned in to different stations. If you get upset in a bitter way lots of negative thoughts rush in to make the mind spin.
These thoughts then make for more upsets - which make for more thoughts etc. A viscous cycle can set in and living can feel like driving with the cars breaks on. A set of futility can set in - as well as despair.
Now the subconscious mind is very powerful - it can overcome the conscious mind and intellect. You're locked in to a morbid state that's rooted your subconscious. That's why your giving up the piggies when you don't want to.
The dark you that you hate isn't you at all but a kind of counterfeit you that's made up of subconscious conditioning. Its like your in a morbid trance and losing objectivity.
I don't know what the upsets were in your life but even things like hating a parent can be enough to cause a psychic break and create a sense of guilt and condemnation, Trying to fix that with more anger and will makes things worse still. The more you hate "yourself" and your problems the more you will get locked in to the morbid undertow.
You don't have to like the people that upset you but give up resentment for them. Do not resent yourself either. Resentful is a hypnotic emotion and never justified - it will always cause harm.
When you have suicidal thoughts just observe them as you would observe bad weather out the window. See or hear the thoughts but dont struggle with them or resent them. Go about your business as if the thoughts were just the TV in the background
The "real you" wanted the pigs so dont beat yourself (fake self) up. Psychology stuff aside, their is also something wicked about the dark side of the mind. Its always telling people they are no good and that they should hurt themselves etc and I would treat that as a kind of alien mindset and don't identify with it. Nice and easy does it.
