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worst mum in the world!

today I am getting rid of my 3 baby boys at home. My drepression is very bad right now and I am stuck in the rut of continuously thinking about suicide. I thought it would be best to get rid of them now before I acted on the thoughts/urges again so then if I did succeed, my 3 boys would be one less thing my mum has to worry about.

what the fuck is wrong with me?? my boys mean everything to me but yet I am giving 3 of them away :crying:

and I am not even asking or wanting any money from the guy who is taking him... I just need to know they are going to a good home.

but the plans and things I need to take care of first are slowly being ticked off :crying: :crying:

I dont know what I am doing anymore. But I am such a horrible mum. Giving my 3 boys away :crying:

I hate me

this is bunny

and below is samuel and lester

*hugs*
I'm sorry that you feel like you have to give them away :(
What sort of support do you have for your depression? What makes suicide seem appealing to you? Remember that suicide is never the answer, and would rob you of a chance at life, and really hurt the people around you.

see professionals and I dont know. It feels like nothing is enough to stop me right now :(

my boys are gone now, but the guy seemed really nice.... think all my boys will end up being dad's and especially lester and bunny. bunny is really rare to, he is a bear X

I dont know? am fine as always??

I think that you should tell this to your dr or whoever you see and explicitly explain how bad this is. The above poster is right, suicide is not the answer. What is your support network like?

^agreed
And would the guy who is looking after your boys let you visit them sometimes?

only one professional knows how badly things are right now but she is my helpline counsellor and is 2 states away from me.

my face to face counsellor.... I dont have the guts to tell her, she has been to great and amazing to me and I dont want to hurt her.

my pdoc... am terrified of talking to her cuz I know she is one person who can put me in hospital and I already feel I am on a tight line with it.... but I cant go back I just cant

friends and you guys have been amazing, but still I just I dont know.... I feel like I can just burst into tears at any moment:s

why do you think it would upset your face-to-face counsellor to tell her? Surely it's her job to listen!

For a moment, I thought this was about actual children..

Quote:

Originally Posted by JaffaCake. (Post 2766594)

For a moment, I thought this was about actual children..

to me they like are!!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pi.R^2 (Post 2765725)

why do you think it would upset your face-to-face counsellor to tell her? Surely it's her job to listen!

cuz I have been seeing her for so long now and she is like the only one that knows so much stuff about me and in previous sessions where I have been very close to suicide I have noticed shes had tears in her eyes that she was fighting to keep back.

I hate hate HATE making people sad and especially if its cuz of me and what kind of a head space I am in... you know?

My head won't stop hurting right now, I have the worst headache again - but thats another issue altogether :sad:

*hugs*
I guess that's because she cares, and having people care for you has its downsides (they get upset when you are hurting), but in general, it is positive. It sounds like she wants you to get better, and is happy to help. I think you should go back to your face-to-face counsellor, because it will help you, and yes, maybe she will be a bit upset, but try not to feel bad about that. And I guess she'd be less worried if you were honest with her, than if you were hiding things or avoiding seeing her?

yeh I guess so... I am just not sure anymore :(

I did walk out on my counsellor a few weeks back but we spoke about it on monday and now I am trying really hard to keep talking but its just so damn hard.

I am going to see my piggies new carer on sat whilst his at work in the pet shop so hopefully that will go ok? :s

I am trying as hard as I can its just really hard and especially as my meds are also being played with atm

I am trying to be strong but fear I wont be able to be for much longer...

Glad that you get to go see your guinea pigs on saturday; i hope that goes well :)
Why are they fiddling with your meds? It's a rough patch whilst they sort the meds out, but once they get it sorted, hopefully things will be lots better :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by lozza (Post 2769028)

You don't need to "be stronger" imo. There is a difference between trying to be better - and stopping things than make things bad. If you hate yourself - and you say you do - you will be blocking yourself from the bright side of the psyche - and the dark side gets darker.

The mind is kind of like a radio that can be tuned in to different stations. If you get upset in a bitter way lots of negative thoughts rush in to make the mind spin.

These thoughts then make for more upsets - which make for more thoughts etc. A viscous cycle can set in and living can feel like driving with the cars breaks on. A set of futility can set in - as well as despair.

Now the subconscious mind is very powerful - it can overcome the conscious mind and intellect. You're locked in to a morbid state that's rooted your subconscious. That's why your giving up the piggies when you don't want to.

The dark you that you hate isn't you at all but a kind of counterfeit you that's made up of subconscious conditioning. Its like your in a morbid trance and losing objectivity.

I don't know what the upsets were in your life but even things like hating a parent can be enough to cause a psychic break and create a sense of guilt and condemnation, Trying to fix that with more anger and will makes things worse still. The more you hate "yourself" and your problems the more you will get locked in to the morbid undertow.

You don't have to like the people that upset you but give up resentment for them. Do not resent yourself either. Resentful is a hypnotic emotion and never justified - it will always cause harm.

When you have suicidal thoughts just observe them as you would observe bad weather out the window. See or hear the thoughts but dont struggle with them or resent them. Go about your business as if the thoughts were just the TV in the background

The "real you" wanted the pigs so dont beat yourself (fake self) up. Psychology stuff aside, their is also something wicked about the dark side of the mind. Its always telling people they are no good and that they should hurt themselves etc and I would treat that as a kind of alien mindset and don't identify with it. Nice and easy does it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pi.R^2 (Post 2769479)

I have already been on over 10 different meds so hopefully the one my pdoc just put me on helps!

I just went into the pet shop today which means I didnt get to see my piggies BUT the guy said I can come over when ever I want to see them:-)

he offered me a job at the pet shop and so i will hopefully be trained by the coming weekend.
and yeh I will go from there....

things are slightly looking up for a change :hop:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Isoverity (Post 2769510)

please dont think for a moment that I am not reading all that you write but right now I am finding it incrediably hard to read such long posts.

thank you though and I will be sure to re-read what you wrote as soon as I am able

Glad things are looking up a bit and that you get a chance to see your piggies soon. Also good luck for the pet shop job, I am sure you will do amazingly. I hope the med change helps too. Hold on there hun xxx

Good luck for the job loz.