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Triggering (SI/ED) - Feeling out of control
Things aren't going well at the moment. Im currently a day patient on an ED ward, although they deal with other issues as well. I am feeling very depressed at the moment because of things that are coming up in therapy and I dont know how to deal with them without resorting to behaviours.
I have been exploring the abuse and rape that I suffered and its been so difficult to relive the feelings, and also to challenge my belief that I think that what happened was my fault. I feel that I really want to hurt myself at the moment because I want to punish myself and I think that Im a really bad person - even though I dont really have any evidence that I am.
I should be keeping to a meal plan, but Im finding it so hard to do and Im not getting that much support. I have no motivation and I find it very difficult to go out and get food on the days that Im not on the ward. Then I end up feeling guilty that Im not doing what Im supposed to, but also my ED starts to take over again and I start believeing that I dont need to eat etc.
I feel that there is so much that I need to take to therapy and it feels so overwhelming and I feel that I cant do it because its too hard and would take years to start feeling that anything was happening or improving.
I guess that Im feeling a bit hopeless and demoralised at the moment, but I do feel proud of myself that I havent resorted to such damaging behaviours that I used to.
I feel quite alone and unsupported at the moment, and I just needed to share with people that understand.
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