Feeling out of control
 

Things aren't going well at the moment. Im currently a day patient on an ED ward, although they deal with other issues as well. I am feeling very depressed at the moment because of things that are coming up in therapy and I dont know how to deal with them without resorting to behaviours.

I have been exploring the abuse and rape that I suffered and its been so difficult to relive the feelings, and also to challenge my belief that I think that what happened was my fault. I feel that I really want to hurt myself at the moment because I want to punish myself and I think that Im a really bad person - even though I dont really have any evidence that I am.

I should be keeping to a meal plan, but Im finding it so hard to do and Im not getting that much support. I have no motivation and I find it very difficult to go out and get food on the days that Im not on the ward. Then I end up feeling guilty that Im not doing what Im supposed to, but also my ED starts to take over again and I start believeing that I dont need to eat etc.

I feel that there is so much that I need to take to therapy and it feels so overwhelming and I feel that I cant do it because its too hard and would take years to start feeling that anything was happening or improving.

I guess that Im feeling a bit hopeless and demoralised at the moment, but I do feel proud of myself that I havent resorted to such damaging behaviours that I used to.

I feel quite alone and unsupported at the moment, and I just needed to share with people that understand.

Can you let your team know how much you are struggling so they can put some extra support in place? I know things feel really hopeless right now but you can get through this.

Ive told my keyworker how much Im struggling and he tells me to stick to my plan and go to the library, which isnt that helpful, I know he means well, but I need something more than that, but Im just not sure how to communicate it.