I have a feeling that tonight is going to be more difficult than the past two nights, i don't know why, it's just a gut instinct, and i don't know how i'm to get through it. I've exhausted all possibilities in regards to distraction.
Yes you can Laura. I know it seems like you can't, but you CAN. Please don't give in. Your psych will get your email tomorrow and then hopefully he will be able to offer you some proper support.
I'm such a hypocrite Em, telling you to stay safe while all i can think about is screwing myself over. He won't email back. I bet he won't. No one cares if i'm here or not. No one would even notice if i disappeared.
Everyone is a hypocrite when it comes to people they care about. I thought whilst writing my other post how hypocritical I was being but that does not mean that what we say is not true. You don't know that he won't respond, he has in the past hasn't he? You know deep down that people care about you and your wellbeing, it's just that maybe it is easier to convince yourself that they don't. You have what....8 pages? Of people replying offering their support, even people who have never met you are replying and showing they care. You can do this Laura.
People are replying because they feel they need to, not because they want to - other than my friends of course.
I often wonder how long it would take people to notice my lack of RYL'ing. To just disappear.
You're right Em - we're all hypocritical when it comes to our friends. Doesn't make me feel any better though, i feel guilty willing others on to live when i dont want it myself.
Carrie - what do you mean by i was right and that you can't leave just yet?
I am not replying because I feel I need to....trust me on that.
I think Carrie means that you were right when you said she needed this support because of the lack of outside support she has right now. (Sorry if I am wrong Carrie).
Is there anything I could do to help you get through tonight? I am not so great at phone support but I can do MSN/PM/Text etc if it would help at all.
You frequently are right I can't leave RYL as I don't have support elsewhere and although it is sometimes triggering, without RYL I would not be able to release some things. I was going to try and cut it out b/c of my behaviour but what I really need to do is modify my behaviour and not cut out my only line of support.
I would definitely miss you!
*hugs*
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
heh i'm hardly ever right - but i'm glad you've come back Carrie, i missed your presence and hearing how you're doing.
And you're right - you need to direct your emotions into something less self destructive - and you CAN do it.
Em - I might take a load of meds (but not over recommended dosage..) and see what happens, like, if it will knock me out or not. The offer for me to be there for you too also stands - i've not got barely any credit but i'll text back if by chance i'm not on here.
I'm just..urgh. I have a headache. I'm cold. I'm suicidal. I think i might end up slicing myself to shreds tonight for some fucking release because i feel so..wound up and uptight/numb. It's a horrid feeling.
You are NOT self centred. You are a great person and I wish you could see that. Right now you can't and so we need to make sure you stay safe. Take care with the meds. Hope you get some rest tonight.
*hugs*
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
You are NOT self centred. You have every right to post how you are feeling. I wish you would stay safe and harm free but if cutting is what it takes to prevent you from doing serious damage then so be it (and I am aware that statement may be controversial but it is my own view). I hope you manage not to do any damage to yourself, and I think you are strong enough that that is possible, but you know yourself better than anybody.
I feel self centered. So many people suffering and i'm talking about myself.
I never cut deep which is half the reason why i don't bother. I go for it..but i can't do it, and i feel like a pussy for it.
I'll try keep safe. Sorry i'm not very talkative..i don't know what to say tonight.
Please don't apologise and the degree of your self harm should be no indicator of the level of help you require. That fact is something I am struggling to come to terms with myself but I think it is important. This is your support thread at the end of the day, your place to be open and honest. There is no reason for you to feel self centred or embarassed for opening up. People read your thread for true UPDATES not for a load of lies to make themselves feel better.
Just because you don't cut deep, doesn't mean that you are any less of a self harmer etc. I go through phases re cuts etc. Sometimes I do cut deep and other times I don't but during both phases I am struggling just as much with things in my head and the chaos. More harm doesn't mean more pain or more difficulties and neither does less deep/harm mean less pain of difficulties.
I'm glad that you are trying to stay safe. I know that making that decision to do so is a big decision for you and going to take superhuman effort but I also know, from getting to know you, how blummin strong you are.
Take care hun and you know where I am.
*hugs*
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
Yeh but..i freak out when i get so many people reading my thread (like now i have 5 people) and i don't know why. It makes me feel like i'm not deserving of support when so many others need it. I struggle anyway to reach out for support unless i'm really really bad..which is why i made this thread. But i just. Fuck. I don't know how to get through any of this, not just tonight, but everything. Why is everything so black? I just see nothing but the material things around me, i can't see a future, i haven't been able to since i was 7 years old. 7 fucking years old. I was a fucking child.
I'm surrounded by people but i feel so alone, like i'm in a bubble and not letting anyone else in because i physically can't. I'm meant to understand myself but i don't.
Loser.
You are not a loser for not understanding yourself.
You have to learn to stop being so critical of yourself. 99% of the negative things your head tells you will be complete lies (and the reason I don't say 100% is because I don't know you well enough). You need to learn the difference between the bullshit the sick part of your head comes up with and reality. I think sometimes it is easier to believe the ill part but you need to keep fighting it.
Try to focus instead on the fact that at any given time 3, or 5 + people care enough to be reading for updates. That should give you some strength. None of this is easy but I truely believe you WILL get through this, if you truely want to.
This isn't meant to be a competitive thing or me trying to convince you my difficulties are as long lasting as yours - I am aware that such tnigs happen on this site. I first self-harmed when I was 8 - I don't want to say how I did. I have always been emotionally unstable dsepite being apparently "very intelligent". I don't understand the purpose of life, even when I enjoy something, I enjoy it but don't see it as a reason for living. I get bored of life and have struggled with those things, as have you, from an early age. This is the bpd hun, it isn't you. That feeling of black is your bpd.
There's a great book I got from Amazon re bpd and reading it has made me recognise all the things earlier in my life that are signs or pre-cursors to bpd - I don't mean the usual stereotype of abuse.
I'll post a link to it but if you let me know your address I will forward my copy to you when I have finished reading it - hopefully soon but have been reading it in tiny chunks.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
I can't leave RYL as I don't have support elsewhere and although it is sometimes triggering, without RYL I would not be able to release some things. I was going to try and cut it out b/c of my behaviour but what I really need to do is modify my behaviour and not cut out my only line of support.